First of all, I realize this is probably more of a shortcoming on my part, but nevertheless, I am who I am.
My wife has gotten really into “romance reality” TV in the past year. In recent months, it has reached a fever pitch where she is just walking around with a show playing out loud on her phone almost all the time. Doing chores? Watching love is blind. In between a match while we’re gaming together? Blasting love island. I generally keep earbuds in so I don’t have to listen to it, and because Im sure she doesn’t want to hear my shows just like I don’t want to hear hers.
I make an honest effort to avoid the inane types of people who go on these shows in the real world, so to come home to what used to be a sanctuary and have to jam earbuds in and move all the way across the house to not be subjected to the dumbassery those people exude is exausting and has me at the absolute end of my rope. Its gotten to a point where I might actually go run errands at random times just to get some peace. I know she sees it as an “unwind” which I don’t understand but I can at least accept. I’ve made my position on these types of shows unabashedly clear on many occasions, perhaps being harder on them than I should be.
If she had kept watching her usual dramas it wouldn’t even be an issue for me, it’s just the endless barrage of utter idiocy and manufactured drama out of these people’s mouths that I can’t stand.
How can I go about bringing up that this is a problem for me without sounding like a “stop having fun” type or seeming condescending about her TV choices?
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Is the problem that you can hear the shows? Offer a compromise for her to wear earbuds. Is the problem that she is watching these shows at all?
Usually someone who has obsessive behavior has something in their life that they’re not settled with. The brain sort of “gets stuck” trying to redress the imbalance of the unmet need; the coping behavior (in this case the trashy shows) doesn’t actually fulfill the need, but the brain’s still latched onto it as what might help if you just get enough of it, so the consumption grows out of all proportion.
What’s making her unsettled could be anything; could be work, or something in your relationship, or stress about money that’s making it so she can’t get settled mentally, or what have you. No way to tell from the outside. She may not even be aware of it. But I would try to get to the bottom of what it is and make it a priority. Trying to address watching the shows without addressing the underlying issue is going to be largely fruitless I think. Conversely, my guess is that once the underlying issue is addressed to some extent, then she won’t be walking around with the phone or similar. She might still like the shows but it won’t be to this obsessive level.
Plus then your wife will be happier, which is no small benefit.
Edit: So to address the I-think-pretty-reasonable question of how actually obsessive her watching of these shows actually is: How much does your wife do this? Like how many hours a day is she watching her shows? Does it actually interfere with other activities, or is it only something she’s doing during “downtime” or chores or etc?
This is interesting… My dad died back in May and I started binging bizarre/paranormal stories on YouTube at work. Like, all fucking day. I wasn’t supposed to be listening to earbuds either. Nobody said anything (likely because I’m a manager) but I chose not to give a shit and just did it anyway at risk of my boss or my team calling me out. Then all at once I realized I was being a giant hypocrite, as I knew that if someone else did the same thing, I’d likely have to ask them not to wear the earbuds. I stopped wearing them entirely after that, apologized to my team, and moved on with my life.
I know it’s not excusable to just give myself permission to break rules, especially in a position of authority… But I think it was a weird coping mechanism that you just put into words. I didn’t even know it was a thing.
Yeah. I know because I’ve dealt with the same type of thing. I think the people telling me that I’m armchair-diagnosing this guy’s wife based on very little maybe-unreliable information and may not know what I’m talking about may well have a point, dependent on how much time she actually spends watching stuff on her phone.
But yeah that nature of the brain and the powerful draw of self-soothing with stimulating things is very real, irregardless of whether that’s actually what’s going on in this particular relationship.
I’m not sure accusing your wife of addiction for enjoying a popular genre of TV show will be productive.
Yeah, I have no idea how this will be received, or how accurate any of it is to the guy’s situation. But what’s going on from the way the guy describes it goes a bit beyond enjoying a popular genre of TV show.
I’m not going to armchair diagnose anyone, but if you’re going to do it to anyone in this post, it’s the person who wrote it and who is having this much of an issue with their partner doing something she enjoys.
The entire situation could reasonably be resolved by asking her to put headphones on, but it isn’t about that, it’s about OP looking down on people who watch these kinds of shows, and thinking less of their partner for it, which is super fucking shitty. As is trying to frame those who watch them as maladaptive addicts who must have something wrong in their lives to justify their viewing habits.
Seriously… 🤦♀️
(E: oh, and just to pre-empt any assumptions: I don’t personally enjoy those shows, literally never watched them ever, so this isn’t about being defensive, it’s about not being an ass)
I didn’t think that “have you investigated whether your wife is unhappy with something and attempted to address the underlying issue” would be viewed as such a wife-blaming take on things, but it seems you’re not alone in seeing it that way.
I edited my post to remove talk about addiction. Speaking as a maladaptive addict, I didn’t view what I was saying as in any way blaming / shaming her or anything, but I can see how it comes across that way. I think it’s definitely valid that a much milder interpretation (it’s basically fine and she’s just watching shows) is equally consistent with what he was saying as my interpretation is, so I edited my comment to ask him for a little more quantitative information.
You two should date, you’re perfect for one another. OP’s wife could just watch you.
The world should look down on people who watch reality tv.
Usually someone who has obsessive behavior has something in their life that they’re not settled with. The brain sort of “gets stuck” trying to redress the imbalance of the unmet need; the coping behavior (in this case the trashy shows) doesn’t actually fulfill the need, but the brain’s still latched onto it as what might help if you just get enough of it, so the consumption grows out of all proportion.
Wow, this struck such a chord with me. It suddenly highlighted periods in my life where I’ve obsessively consumed (media, substances) with a feeling of no control, and those were often times where I was struggling with an underlying (often unrecognized) issue.
Just ask her to wear earbuds?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that this kinda media really gets under your skin and ask if she’d be okay wearing headphones while watching it.
I have a similar relationship with romance reality and I’ve made it clear that I won’t hang out on the couch if that’s what’s gonna be on TV. I tell my partner he’s welcome to watch it all he likes, I’ll just do something else and that’s okay. He doesn’t like the Gundam or mecha shows I watch, so I can just say “hey man, enjoy your show, but this is ‘Gundam’ to me.” And that works as great shorthand. Sometimes he’ll say “oh I was more interested in cuddling with you on the couch than really watching something, I’ll change it” or “oh okay, I really wanted to catch up on this so you go have fun” and I’ll go cook or play a game or workout.
Maybe there’s a similar type of media preference you can reference to help your wife understand your actions.
Though while, ultimately, I think the onus lies on you to remove yourself from the situation rather than encourage your wife to change her behavior, it does sound like you’re trying to do that with your own headphones. At some point, it might be on you to get better at filtering the noise, but your wife might be willing to help you by wearing headphones. That doesn’t seem like a huge imposition to me, especially if it’s for something I’m listening to while doing chores or something. For her listening to clips of shows in between activities? Eh, I think your part of the headphone compromise would be grinning and bearing those brief moments.
Lastly, while I don’t think it’ll directly address this issue, it’s probably not a bad idea to do some introspection as to why this kind of media affects you so strongly. You clearly know what about it bothers you, but I’m sure you can think of other media types you dislike for a similar “moral disagreement” (for lack of a better phrase) that don’t elicit such a reaction. It’s nice to understand the things that trigger us in this way and why. Sometimes unpacking that makes them easier to bear and filter out, too.
