lemmy deleted my completely finished post right before posting so let’s try this again. I find it so annoying that I have to sugarcoat everything. I feel like I’m coddling people. I understand being polite to strangers, but it’s so annoying when my family, who knows I’m autistic, gets upset at my bluntness. I’ve explained multiple times that I’m not trying to be rude and I’m just trying to communicate in a way that works for me, but it doesn’t work. I just don’t understand why I have to say “hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)” in some high pitched voice when I could just say, “can you not let the dogs tangle?” in a tone that conveys I’m serious. it’s so much easier when intentions are simply stated.
edit: I’m having trouble posting comments but thank you for all your responses! it’s helping me see things a bit easier, and I definitely have things I can work on now :)
another edit for clarity: my family and I have talked about my communication style. I’ve tried to find ways to meet them in the middle, as I want a compromise. they’ve been unsuccessful but I’m continuing to try. I want to be at a point where it’s not stressful and exhausting to talk to my family. this was more of just a vent post, as I was feeling really annoyed.
people interpret tone as emotion, where a more serious tone conveys that you might be mad about something they think (true or not) they are not at fault for; a playful tone makes that “load” lighter and doesn’t sound as “accusing” (for lack of a better word).
it’s just a byproduct of language and culture that can be as difficult to overcome as it can be understood. lots of things could be easier if everyone changed, but when’s the last time everyone agreed on something?
(at least this is what I’ve come to understand)
edit: also!! comments like “you are not responsible for others” are only half-true. while you shouldn’t be bearing the weight of others, you can’t ignore it completely! people come to expect a certain level of comradery when close to them. if you act without care to others, they will become distanced since they may not see you caring for their mental/emotional well-being (as one should, including you and I!).
a certain amount of care is required to keep eachother comfortable, this amount can vary and requires experimentation if you’re not already accustomed. it’ll be scary but it’s the best way forward (in my option)
This is what I was going to say, tone equals emotion. When I get very tired I lose the tone in my voice and sound like a flat robot. For poeple who don’t know me well this comes off as being very disinterested and cold, even if my words aren’t. Poeple react to tone as much as the words spoken.
yessss I feel like my “normal” tone or whatever you call it is generally perceived as cold no matter what I’m talking about. and usually I can cover it but when I’m tired or stressed it can be exausting doing it all say
I definitely want to communicate in a way everyone likes. since I can’t control how my words are perceived, i try really hard usually to fit other people’s standards. I don’t want to make communication hard for others like people make if for me. and I don’t want to upset anyone. but then when i ignore how i want to communicate, when im stressed all the bluntness comes out in full force. I really hope we can find a good group compromise, cause I don’t want people to be offended or me to be exausted.
learning to use tone correctly and actively thinking about it (as opposed to passively using it like others do) can definitely be tiring since it’s basically an exercise to your mind. the only way to get to the “passive use” state is to do it until it doesn’t get tiring anymore.
however, the stressed->blunt part does sounds like a normal response, since that tone seems to convey your emotions at that time. if you’re feeling stressed alot for this to be common, i would also try to manage stress better, like cutting up tasks into easily manageable parts (but don’t cut them too small, as that can make them unmanageable and hard to keep track of!) and giving yourself time to destress by doing things you like to do (video games, shows, videos, music, … hobbies in general, …), but also don’t overdo it and leave you actual responsibilities behind
(remember that this comment, like most here, comes from experience, not study so might not work for you or need tweaking)