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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-27 04:00:04+00:00.
I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/GoddessxM
Originally posted to r/offmychest
Previous BoRU
[New Update]: My parents ruined my wedding and I donāt think I can get over it.
Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, DARVO
RECAP
Original Post: November 1, 2023
My now husband and I got married on Halloween and Iām not okay with how our day went. We didnāt want anything big, just close friends and family, at the courthouse, dressed in costumes. There were supposed to be 12 adults and one child that was on our guess list.
Letās start off with the night before. My husband got sick and he took the whole day to recover to be well. The plan was get my nails done, have my mom French braid my hair, then go home, help him feel better and pack. When I got to my parents house, my mom informed me that my two aunts werenāt coming and that she invited my cousin. I didnāt want him there, firstly. Second, she told me as my dad was on the way to pick him and my sister up. I love my cousin, but Iām not close with him and heās an alcoholic that everybody enables. My small reception was not dry and she promised me he wouldnāt be a problem.
The reception was at my parents house, so she was busy cleaning. I still needed to comb my hair out and she wanted to surprise me with decorations. Long story short we were running low on time as it was 9pm and I needed to head home to sleep since our wedding was early in the morning. She doesnāt start my hair until after her and my cousin start drinking and smoking. Iām already annoyed. I make it home at midnight and still have to check on hubby and pack. I go to bed at 3 am and have to be up at 5 am but I woke up 30 min late.
I drive back to her house to get ready and help her get ready. When I get there everyone is sleeping because after they put up the decorations, they stayed up drinking and smoking. All ready running late and stressing because the veil I made myself wouldnāt stay, my cousin starts rushing me. My parents start fighting loudly and Iām already exhausted. We make it to the courthouse get married and I got a hand full of pictures but everyone else is in like 30 pictures. I got 1 pic that I liked and only 10 were taken.
We get brunch and only my friends are talking to me and my husband everyone else isnāt even paying attention to us. My mom keeps saying āIām a mother-in-law todayā my friends had to leave(they let us know in advance) so now itās just my family. My cousin is super drunk, wonāt stop talking, no one is listening to me and the only person that keeps checking on me is my husband.
Eventually I get overwhelmed and we check into our hotel and take a nap. 2-3 hrs later, we head back to the house to give everyone a second chance. But they are clearly more intoxicated and loud. Cuss words are flying my husband tryās to calm me down by telling me to start playing our wedding playlist that we made ourselves. The entire time my cousin is complaining about the music. He wanted us to play more hardcore rap. Now I wasnāt opposed to song requests and even played some songs he requested. But every song that wasnāt his he complained, asked me to turn it off, or asked why would I play this song. Our first dance was to ācan I have this danceā from HSM and he asked me to turn it off.
When we were ready to cut the cake no one came and took pictures. No one was even in the room with us because my cousin was drunk rapping his hot mess ābarsā. My wedding day didnāt feel like my day. I had no say in anything, no one paid attention to us, and I have one picture. This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life but here I am. Iām crying at 4:32 am on Reddit, no sleep, while my husband sleeps peacefully. I couldnāt tell him earlier because we had to get intoxicate just to deal with them and he already doesnāt like my dad so I didnāt want him to say anything in that situation
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Update: November 3, 2023
I posted here about how my parents and cousin ruined my wedding and how I didnāt know what to do. So hereās the update.
After posting here I tried to get some sleep but couldnāt and ended up waking my husband. He and I talked and he told me he felt the same way. I cried all morning until he made me lay down to finally sleep. I maybe got 3 hours of sleep before waking up in incredible pain and feeling nauseous. We checked out of our hotel early and went to the hospital. I had the same sickness he had the day before our wedding. We went back to my parents house so I could get some real sleep before making the drive home. We did not talk to my parents about it.
After talking to our friends we decided that we would redo the pictures next Wednesday and have a mini party to celebrate. My husband told me to feel my feelings but not to worry about it because he would fix it. I trust that he will.
What I hadnāt mentioned in my previous post was this was my first wedding and we weāre having another one next year for everyone to come to. Which is why it hurt so much to have my mom do that to me. Neither one of us are particularly close with our families but has to not have drama we decided to have a smaller intimate one this year and the bigger, more extravagant one next year. After what happened with this wedding we both made the decision that my mom would never have the opportunity to do this to me again and she will have no say so in the next one.
We did eventually talk to my mom about her actions and it went about as expected. She made herself to be the victim and me out to be the bad guy. She used my aunts passing as an excuse to invite my cousin. She also told me she asked if he could come but doesnāt see that she gave me no way to say no. She doesnāt understand how she ruined our day. āIām sorry you feel like I ruined your dayā was the apology I received. Eventually I gave up trying to get her to understand how she ruined and the fact that we werenāt mad at her just extremely hurt. I did tell her that there was no way for her to make this up to me and apparently that was the wrong thing to say. I āgrey rockedā her until she got off the phone and cried into my husbandās chest until he made me laugh.
As for going NC or LC with my parents. I was already LC with my dad for things in the past and Iām currently LC with my mom but she doesnāt get that. Sheās called me 20x today alone and I havenāt answered once. Iām working on processing things that happened in childhood but I canāt get over the fact that theyāre my parents. I know with everything that has happened, not even just my wedding, that I should be NC with them. For some reason my heart wonāt let me. LC for now.
We appreciate the comments you guys left and he really enjoyed reading that heās doing a good job. I really did pick a good one and even though our wedding day wasnāt what we wanted I did marry the love of my life. He continues to prove that to me daily and Iāve never been happier.
Unless something of more significance happens, this will be the only update. Thank you again and I hope you all enjoyed your Halloween.
Relevant Comments
phoebebuffay1210: I saw that first post and commented. I understand your pain and the hard place your mother always puts you in. Itās a NEVER win situation. You might want to read āthe borderline motherā ā¦ itās long and text book like but it really helped me process my situation. I would do it on audio book in increments. Itās a LOT. It really helped me though and I think it might be helpful for you too. I couldnāt do NC either bc they know how to drill guilt into us like itās their fucking oxygen. Iām very LC now and the guilt isnāt so bad and I have more peace in my life. I wish the same for you. Your big celebration is going to be magical!
OP: My husband and I started dating he helped me start to realize how much guilt sheās drilled into me and this was the first time in my life that I didnāt allow it to work. It hurts because Iāve always put her feelings before my own but Iām a wife and plan to have kids I canāt keep doing that. Heās helping me and as much as it hurts I want better for our kids.
Ā
----NEW UPDATE----
Update #2: November 25, 2023
Hi. I saw my story on tiktok the other day. My husband actually sent it to me. He told me I should give yāall an update so here it is.
Weāre not having a second wedding. We might have a party but weāre definitely just going to go on a trip somewhere. We decided that we shouldnāt feel obligated to do another one for the sake of others. Nor should we give my mother the chance to do this again.
Also to the people on tiktok Iām 21 Non-binary and black. My husband is 22 and black. Someone said my family was Mexican-coded and I thought I should clear up my age. Also just because I love HSM doesnāt make me white. Ever since I heard āCan I have this danceā I knew that was going to be my first dance.
Contrary to popular belief I do have a backbone. What was I supposed to do. My dad already picked up my coā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dpi6c0/new_update_my_parents_ruined_my_wedding_and_i/
Contrary to popular belief I do have a backbone. What was I supposed to do. My dad already picked up my cousin by the time my mom told me she invited him and no matter how loud I yelled none of them were listening to me. I feel like some of yāall have never had to contemplate going NC with a parent let alone a black mother. The level of guilt and grief when we realize you have to for your sake, I wish that on no one.
Also my husband and family got along well until our wedding. Whoever was invited was because we both wanted them there. He felt like the day wasnāt about us as well. He doesnāt like my dad and I donāt like my dad. The only reason he was there was itās his house and heās married to my mom.
We are extremely LC with my parents. we havenāt talked since I got my non apology. Thatās the level Iām comfortable keeping it at. Iām standing on my boundaries for the first time in my life.
I would like to say I posted the original on off my chest for a reason. It was bothering me and I needed to vent somewhere. I frankly donāt care what people think. To those of you who left comments about your experiences or tried to help me with understanding my parents by offering me books to read, I thank you. To those who said my husband will get sick of dealing with my parents and leave me, heās been with me 3 years before we got married and has done nothing but reassure me. Heās been with me when Iāve cried over my relationship with my father and heās still here as Iām coming to terms with my mother. I have a truly great man and Iām nothing but thankful for him.
Edit to add: the reason I didnāt hire a photographer was because my mom is the picture taker of the family. We had an agreement that she would take pictures for me. I wasnāt expecting it to go like that. As for new picture we did hire a photographer and will be taking pictures in early December. The small get together with friends was exactly what we wanted it to be.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs ā BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
