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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-06-27 05:32:45+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Few_Setting_4917. She posted in r/AITAH
Previous BORU is here. Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for finding the update. **New Update marked with *******
Trigger Warnings: References to sexual assault; PTSD; discussions of mental health issues; deliberately trying to trigger someone
Mood Spoiler: Sad and disgusting behavior, but OOP is ok
Original Post: May 30, 2024
I 27F was a bridesmaid at my older sisterās wedding last week. The wedding was beautiful and everything seemed perfect until the reception. During the reception the maid of honor who has been my sisterās best friend since childhood gave her speech. it was emotional and all but then she made a joke about how I was the family screw up who finally managed to do something right by not messing up my bridesmaid duties. Everyone laughed but I didnāt find it funny.
For context Iāve had a rough few years. I struggled with my mental health and dropped out of college for a while. Iāve since gotten my life back on track but itās still a sensitive topic for me. Hearing that joke in front of all our family and friends wasnāt funny at all. My sisterās best friend and I never really got along but still I never expected something like this from her. Especially the day wasnāt about me at all then why bring me up in the speech?
I tried to stay composed but I felt the tears coming so I quietly left the reception and went outside to collect myself. My sister followed me out and asked what was wrong. When I told her she said it was just a joke and she meant nothing bad. I tried to go back inside but I just couldnāt and I ended up leaving the wedding early. My parents understand why I was upset but my sister is angry with me. I do feel terrible for leaving but I also feel like I had the right to feel hurt and humiliated.
Edit: I said nothing at the moment because I didnāt want to cause a scene on my sisterās special day. And I canāt reason with her right now because she will just ask me if I havenāt been taking my meds lately, thatās what she does when sheās angry with me so Iām giving her some time to maybe realize how her best friendās joke was out of line.
Edit 2: someone asked me if my sisterās best friend and I argued before/did I give her a reason to do this. My sisterās best friend and I never went past Hi. She told me before (few years ago) that she āin generalā doesnāt feel comfortable around someone struggling mentally because in her head God only knows what theyāre capable of. since she said this/to this day I just try to avoid her.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: NTA. MOH was being a āmean girlā, her point was to be a b*itch and she was. Her speech should have been about the couple who just got married, there was no reason to bring you into her speech at all, except to be mean. MOH should be ashamed of herself as she is the ah here. Your sister not seeing this and her words to you also make her an ah. Iām sorry your sister was crappy to you, may be show her this thread.
OOP: This is what I tried to tell my sister. I thought about it again but I still canāt seem to find a reason for her bringing me into her speech.
Commenter (downvoted): YTA, I bet thereās another side of this story
OOP: Every story have another side, what Iām I supposed to do about that, call my sister and ask her if her best friend up for posting about her side? You think I posted on reddit for advice without putting myself out there then whatās the point.
There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but most responses were NTA
Update Post: June 6, 2024 (1 week later)
Hi. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on my post and gave their opinion/advice without being too harsh. I apologize if my update is messy or confusing. Iāll try to cover everything but I donāt know when to add context for clarification. If you think thereās any missing info/some parts are confusing let me know. original post
The same day I posted my dad called to check up on me and see if my sister and I had talked things out. When I told him no he said itās better if we talk about it now and assured me that I have nothing to apologize for. If my sister thinks she has nothing to apologize for then the least she can do is make her best friend apologize or fully realize that the joke was out of line. By the way my brother and I met 4 days ago and he told me that BIL (my sisterās husband) didnāt like the way the MOH called me a screw-up in front of everyone and some of those who laughed voiced later that they did so out of nervousness.
On Monday my sister called me to talk. When I made it to her place, her best friend was on the phone and didnāt put it down for a second. My sister started by saying that just a few years ago I would have laughed hard and not taken the joke as an insult. I told her maybe some laughed because they donāt know the reason she called me a screw-up.
(For context. When I was 16 something happened and thatās why I struggled mentally really badly between 16-18. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and later with depression and anxiety. Since then I donāt like it when someone touches my head. Especially my hair and the back of my head/neck. My sister knows everything)
During our conversation my sister did most of the talking. At some point I felt like my sister had called me just to blame me again without trying to understand my perspective. When I tried to talk she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward her with each sentence as if to say āDo you understand?ā or āOkay?ā I hated it and felt irritated. I honestly kept thinking if I pushes her away would I be in the wrong. Would they just call me mental and tell family I got physical. I tried to leave but she insisted that no one was leaving until we sort this out. She told her best friend to just apologize. She refused and reminded my sister that I was the reason her husband got angry at her on their wedding day because I couldnāt take a joke and when I tried to explain why (EDIT: I told her if she had focused her speech on the bride/groom then maybe he wouldnāt have had a reason to be angry. she refused to listen and brushed my words off) she said āYeah whatever. Sorryā I was glad it was finally over and as I was about to leave I heard her say āCanāt take a joke that everyone knows is trueā Both of them laughed but my sister stopped mid-laugh and apologized. I didnāt say anything and left.
I think Iāve had enough. I mean I know Iāve had a few rough years. I dropped out of college for a while, fine. But Iāve since gotten my life back on track. My parents helped me through it all and never made me feel like a burden. At first, I was on some strong meds that made me feel tired/sleepy most of the time. After a while I started to feel a little better with therapy and my familyās support. During that period it was me, my parents and my brother. My sister was three hours away for a job and used to visit sometimes and would often bring her best friend along with her. Looking back. I donāt want to say she hates me but I know she felt ashamed to have a family member struggling with mental health issues. I donāt know how to explain this.
Iāve made up my mind and decided to go NC for now. If my parents and my brother who were there when I was going through it all never made me feel that theyāre ashamed of me then why would she? Iām still on some meds but feels much better than before. I have a stable job, my own place and friends who loves me for who I am. I can say Iām proud of myself a little. I love my family to death and tried to maintain a relationship with my sister all these years but Iām trying to improve myself not constantly be reminded of what I was a few years ago.
Relevant Comments:
Top Commenter: ā(For context. When I was 16 something happened and thatās why I struggled mentally really badly between 16-18. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and later with depression and anxiety. Since then I donāt like it when someone touches my head. Especially my hair and the back of my head/neck. My sister knows everything)ā
"When I tried to talk she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward her with each sentence as if to say āDo you understand?ā or āOkay?ā "
This is more than enough imo to just go no contact. She knows about the trauma you went through and blatantly weaponized it against you, and thatās just disgusting and cruel. Iām sorry you had to deal with this op and Iām glad you are at a point in life where you can enforce your boundaries and appreciate how far Youāve come.Ā
Future reference if you ever decide to be around or communicate with your sister I donāt think you should be alone with her. You should be able to have a third party that also knows about your past trauma and boundaries there to act as witness and a mediator if she ā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dpjqoe/new_update_aita_for_leaving_my_sisters_wedding/
Future reference if you ever decide to be around or communicate with your sister I donāt think you should be alone with her. You should be able to have a third party that also knows about your past trauma and boundaries there to act as witness and a mediator if she pulls that kind of shit again.
OOP: know but I donāt think I will be around her anytime soon. Iām still a little shaken by the fact that she knows everything and still grabbed me by the back of my neck to prove her point.
Commenter: NTA. Your sister has chosen her friend over you, she hasnāt apologized, no one is taking accountability that should be.
You need to go very lc or nc with this sister. Your parents should be covering this and really championing you. MoH should be pariahed by the rest of your family.
OOP: Iāve decided to go NC. I want to move on from what happened and everything sheās said to me before. Sheās said a lot of hurtful things in the past but the way she tried to shut me up by grabbing me by the back of my neckā¦ I just canāt get over it. She doesnāt love/respect me enough to not use that against me
Commenter (part of a longer downvoted comment): How would the MOH know that this happened to her?
OOP: She brought her best friend home when I was still covered in bruises. Of course, I didnāt want to see anyone other than my family but I was in no condition to voice my wants. Iām sure I left my room at least 2-3 times and she saw me. Besides she brought her best friend along when it was better for me to not interact with anyone but family. Iām certain she told her everything.
Commenter: I would tell your family EXACTLY what transpired AND send your new BIL a link to these posts! Youāve overcome SO much, keep moving forward and cut the toxic out of your life! Best wishes and many, MANY Blessings for your future happiness and success!
OOP: Thank youušš» Iām going to see my parents tomorrow along with my brother. They will probably ask me how it went and I will tell them exactly what happened.
*****New Update Post: June 20, 2024 (3 weeks from OG post)*****
Hey. This happened a few days ago but Itās been a busy week for me and I was a bit hesitant to update.
I went to see my parents with my brother. My dad texted me before to to let me know that my sister was coming too. I didnāt want to cause any problems between her and my parents by telling them about what she and her best friend did. But when she started the conversation with lies. I told them everything and made it clear that Iām not asking them to take sides and that I will still come to family gatherings but I wonāt engage with her in any way.
My dad couldnāt let the fact that she grabbed me by the back of my neck slide. But my mother tried to make it seem like it was out of desperation, to make me accept her apology. What my sister said next did it for my mom. She asked them how is anyone still supposed to remember what exactly triggers me after all these years and that I already gotten over it since I didnāt react. And what if Iāve been faking it all these years. I know I shouldnāt have said this and I really regret it now but I told her I wish she go through exactly what I went through. Maybe then she could give me a better example of how I shouldāve handled it all. She told me to get over it and stop begging magazines to post about what happened at the wedding and left. My dad told me later that her best friendās younger sister read about it in āPeopleā magazine. it was posted on their Instagram. And (get over it?) sheās the only one who still brings up what happened.
My mother now understands why I decided to go no contact. My dad and brother are 100% supportive of my decision. But I canāt stop thinking about what she said. She tried to trigger a reaction out of me and now thinks Iāve been faking it because I didnāt give her one. Itās been 11 years. Years of therapy and meds, of course Iāve gotten better. Not 100% tho since I felt irritated. And if it wasnāt for already being labeled ācrazyā I wouldāve shoved her away.
Editorās note- TW because the following paragraph is about her assault 11 years ago.
I feel like I shouldāve cut contact with her the moment she asked my parents why I didnāt stay at the party and wait for my brother to come and pick me up. The reason I left the party was because some of the guys who were invited were much older than I was and they were getting drunk and loud. Two of them followed me. First thing my sister told my parents was and still believe that I left with them because I was naive and just scared/ashamed to admit it. Even after both of them confessed everything. But I was young I guess and cutting contact with her wasnāt something I could do.
I also want to mention how supportive my partner has been through all of this. From the day I told him everything. He has been incredibly understanding. Even though I never asked him to and he never told me but I know he still goes through each movie/series before we watch it together to make sure there arenāt any scenes that could make me uncomfortable. When I put something on. he finds a way to distract me for a few minutes to check it before we watch. He has never made me feel like a screw up. He makes me feel like I still deserve to be loved.
Thank you to each of you for your kind comments and reaching out in privateā¤ļø
Edit: Thereās something else that happened in the last few days but I canāt mention it. Since they found out I posted on the internet from āPeopleā magazineās Instagram. I assume they searched for the original post here on Reddit. I donāt think Iām doing anything wrong though. I didnāt mention any personal information in my original post or updates.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Correct me if I am wrong but wasnāt your sisters new husband upset about the whole thing? Where does he stand? Is he also upset or is she also lying to him? Sorry if you already mentioned this and I am repeating a question. I am glad you have a strong support system. Nothing you have gone through is anything that you should be ashamed of.
OOP: No I didnāt [mention it]. Read the edit and youāll understand why itās better not to mention my sisterās husband in my update. Thank youu
Commenter: (downvoted) OP had reality pointed out to her, and she couldnāt handle it because she is embarassed over her own actions. I have zero sympathy for OP.
OOP: Iām not embarrassed by my own actions. The only thing I felt ashamed of for a while was dropping out of college to deal with my mental health struggles. And yes this is the only thing the MOH knows about me along with the incident, because my sister thought it was okay to bring her over when I was still bruised. The joke was about that. I assure you I have no failures other than leaving that party. Iāve already said enough for people who want to get it and I donāt need to mention in every sentence that Iām a SA survivor because this post isnāt about that.
Editorās note: The final update was a tad confusing upon initial read, so to clarify:
OOPās original posts were posted on People Magazineās instagram and so people saw it, thatās why sheās not adding info about her BIL. She does not have any specific identifying information in the post. (I can confirm that the AITA post has been shared all over social media) On a completely different note- Using context clues, the party OOP mentions and the paragraph that follows are concerning what happened to her 11 years ago when she was sexually assaulted. Evidently her sister was there as well and says that some of it was OOPās fault.
