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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2024-06-28 04:11:14+00:00.
I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/tw-intro-ex. He posted in r/AITAH.
Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec!
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. The latest update is 7 days old, per the rules of this sub.
Mood Spoiler: communication makes a happy ending
Original Post: June 19, 2024
I had a weird situation happen last weekend and was hoping to get perspectives on if what I did was wrong?
My wife and I were near Seattle last weekend visiting my family. We are both in our early 30s and are happily married for 4 years (together for 6). We went out to a bar on Saturday with a bunch of my friends to catch up. When I was going to the restroom, I felt a tap on my shoulder and to my surprise it was Jen, my ex. Jen and I dated for 4 years in our early 20s. Jen left me because she wanted to explore herself and since I was her first boyfriend, she felt like she was missing something in life. I was very happy with her, and I had a job in tech that put us on a very stable financial path. I was probably a few months away from proposing her. I was heartbroken and it took me a few years before I could start dating again. Although Jen and I stayed friends for a year after breakup, I went NC with her so that I could move on, and never talked to her since then. My wife knows about all this.
Back to the incident, Jen tapped on my shoulder, and I was surprised to see her. She hugged me and we exchanged pleasantries. She was there with her friends, and they were all sitting at the bar (I knew most of them). They also came to say hello. We chatted for a few minutes before I felt like I need to end the conversation. We mostly talked about what I was doing back in my hometown and how we have been. I abruptly told her it was nice to see her after years and that I need to go back to our table as I am out with my friends. She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. My friends identified Jen from our table and my wife came to stand next to me. I told my wife, what a weird coincidence and took her hand and went back to the table.
When I sat at the table, all my friends started talking about Jen. My wife seemed visible uncomfortable about the situation. I tried to change the subject, but I learned that Jen married someone few years ago, and they got divorced last year. She moved back to our hometown so she can stay at her parents’ house until she figures things out. My wife seemed really interested in Jen’s life and asking a lot of questions while I was just trying to avoid the whole topic.
When we were driving home, my wife asked me why I didn’t tell Jen that I was married, and she was my wife. She feels I should have introduced her to Jen so that Jen can see I am happily married to my wife. I told her I was just trying to end the conversation as I went no contact with her long time ago and I prefer to keep it that way. My wife asked me how I felt after seeing her after a long time. I told her that I was surprised since I was not expecting to see her, but to be honest I felt like she was a stranger. I told my wife that I did feel sad that things didn’t work out for her.
My wife was upset because she felt I should have introduced her to Jen. She felt that Jen hugged me for too long and I should clearly have told Jen that I was married and have a lovely wife. My wife feels she came all the way from the table to stand next to me and felt slightly insulted that I did not include her in the conversation. From my perspective, I was just trying to get out of the conversation and don’t see how it would have helped anyone. The issue became worse the next morning, when Jen sent me a friends request on Instagram and also messaged me on my phone saying it was nice to meet me. I feel that trigged my wife (and for some reason my mom who went on a rant about Jen because she hated Jen when we were dating. That made my wife very happy).
My wife feels that I did not communicate clearly to Jen that I was married and that was the reason why she messaged me the next day. I rejected the follow request on Instagram and also did not respond to her message. However, a part of me feels my wife might be right and I did something wrong here. Am I the AH for not telling Jen that I was married and introducing her to my wife who was standing right next to me? I just wanted to get out of the conversation and was in a hurry to end it.
Top Comment on OG post:
Plastic_Concert_4916: I don’t understand how you spent time catching up but didn’t bring up your wife once, even if it’s just by insinuation by using We instead of I pronouns. I’m married and it’s natural to say We without even thinking about it. We’re visiting the family… We just bought a new house…
It also seems more natural for you to have told your ex “I have to get back to my wife” instead of “I have to get back to my friends.” Like, you were with your wife first and foremost. Hopefully she’s not an afterthought to your friends.
And if you truly wanted to end the conversation, your wife was a built-in excuse. “Sorry, I really have to go. My wife’s waiting for me.”
I do find your behavior kind of odd. Is there a chance that, at least subconsciously, you didn’t want Jen to know you were married?
Update Post: June 21, 2024 (2 days later)
I wrote a post a few days ago regarding bumping into my Ex Jen when I was on a trip to my hometown. My wife saw me talking to her and came up to me, and like an idiot, I forgot to introduce Jen to my wife. My wife was a bit upset that I did not tell Jen I was married. Thanks everyone who commented and let me know unanimously how stupid I was during the whole interaction.
We came back home yesterday. Although my wife seemed to have gotten over the incident, I decided it would be best to apologize to her and let her know that I did not have any wrong intentions. It was just a “deer in a headlight” moment for me and I should have introduced her to Jen.
At night, when my wife was scrolling her phone in bed, I decided to bring up the topic. I told her that I wanted to apologize for the incident on Saturday. I know I messed up royally and I should have introduced her to Jen, so she can see that I am happily married together. I told her that I was just surprised to see her, and I really wanted to get out of the conversation as soon as possible.
My wife said it was ok and she saw flustered I was when I was talking to Jen. She said that when Jen saw me and hugged me, everyone at the table started staring at us. One of my friends Rita, made some scandalous comments regarding why Jen is doing shmoozing with me. My wife had never seen Jen’s picture and took her a while to realize that it was Jen. She thought she would stand next to me, and once I tell Jen that I am here with my wife, she would leave me alone. However, when she stood next to me for more than a minute, I did not notice. Jen noticed her and gave her a dirty look. Once I turned around to go to the table, she was hoping I would introduce her to Jen, so Jen knows she was my wife and not some random girl standing next to me. However, I just hurried back to the table with her.
I again apologized to her and told her that from my perspective, I was just trying to finish the conversation and get back to the table. In hindsight, I should have done what she said but I froze in the moment and was not thinking straight. She again asked me why I was acting so weird around Jen. I wish I had a better answer, but talking to Jen just felt wrong and all I was thinking was I need to get back to my wife. I asked her if she felt bad that I was talking to Jen or that she hugged me. She told me that she has always been curious about Jen since I was so close to marrying her. And when she saw me around her, she felt I was still acting like how someone acts around their crush. Moreover, she saw Jen and realized how beautiful she was and felt insecure in that moment. My friends making a big deal out of it did not help either. She asked me if I ever wished Jen did not break up with me. I told her that if I had a time machine, I would wish 100 out of 100 times that Jen would break up with me, so that I got to meet my wife and build such a beautiful life together. This made her smile, and she gave me a big hug.
I asked her if I should message Jen and let her know I am married? She said there is no need to do that since my profile picture on messages is a picture with my wife, and Jen should have seen that already. Also, my Instagram is public with a lot of pictures of my wife and me, So, she asked me to just ignore her message and get on with our lives. Again, thanks everyone for being so brutally honest (as I would expect from Reddit).