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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-06-28 14:02:32+00:00.
I am not OOP. OOP is u/Spookybeagle and they posted in r/entitledparents
Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
*Editor’s Note: If you want to skip the backstory, jump to the *****************
Although not an “update” to this BORU, 2 years ago, I posted another BORU by u/Spookybeagle also about her entitled parents and having a baby (at the time, she was pregnant with her 2nd, she is now pregnant with her 3rd). The link to that BORU is here:
My Entitled Parents Refuse to Respect My Wishes December 29, 2022
TL;DR She had her first baby during COVID, so no visitors at the hospital and they decided none at home for the first two months. Her parents hated this and pushed back frequently. OOP has now moved 16 hours away. Parents are pushing again to visit right after 2nd baby is born, but OOP again wants no visitors for the first two months. OOP decides to send a mass text to her family telling them not to come when the baby is born, but 2 months later. Her mother pushes back, brother thinks she was too harsh and her dad thinks this means she wants to go NC and gets sulky. When the family finally accepts visiting in April, Dad starts trying to push naming the (boy) baby after him which OOP and her husband do not want.
Editor’s Note: I missed OOP’s final update when the baby was born End of Saga May 9, 2023
TL;DR the baby was born two weeks early, the parents respected her wishes and waited until April to visit. She says the visit was pretty pleasant and they didn’t force their “help” on her like the first time.
This post will be about her parents wanting to live with her when they are old, but there are some new posts that relate. I will link to those:
My parents always make my pregnancies/children about them April 15, 2024
My dad wants me to name the baby after him May 9, 2024
My mom keeps trying to convince me to have my baby on my dad’s birthday May 31, 2024
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My parents assume they are going to move in with me when they are old. June 15, 2024
I was on the phone with them this morning because they called after I texted them an update on my husband’s and my house hunting adventure.
I am currently pregnant with baby #3 and live safely 15-ish hours away from these people who birthed and raised me while simultaneously messed me up mentally and emotionally.
Why I stay in contact with them nowadays is becoming more and more of a mystery to me.
But here we are.
Well, while looking at one of the houses I was describing online, my dad asked where would they stay in the future.
Stupidly thinking “as a guest.” I mentioned one of the extra rooms could be a multipurpose room. If you have an air mattress and you’re coming for a visit, there you go. This house has 4 bedrooms, 5 if you count one of the rooms on the main floor.
He then asked about permanently. Further in the future.
I said “Permanently?”
He said, “when I retire, or sometime after that. You know, stairs won’t be your mom’s and my friends around then.”
Me: “you think you will be living with us?”
ENTITLED DAD: “Of course.”
Me: “No.”
Entitled dad: “We can help with the kids.”
Me: “No.”
My mom: “Remember? We always talked about this when you were younger.”
Me: “No.”
Dad: “What? Are you going to put us in a home?”
Me: “You’ll make friends.”
Dad: “Well that’s not nice of you!”
Me: “I never said I was.”
The discussion ended after that.
Relevant Comments:
“We always talked about this when you were younger.”
Because a child between 3-14 is really going to understand the concept of a nursing home and sending your parents away. Good job on telling them no!
OOP:
My mom has always brought up living with me when she’s old. And I always said, “Nope.” Even when I thought she was joking. I did entertain the idea at one point. If we lived on a big enough lot, they could have a trailer on. Never in the same house. But I always kinda knew that wouldn’t be a real possibility.
It very nearly almost happened a year ago, but then my dad decided that “God has called him to stay in our homestate.” In the most haughty of voices.
Okay. Thank you, Jesus! Lol
Why maintain contact with such people?
OP says there’s long history of mess and OP keeps going back into the mess. There’s a saying about doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
Because it’s really hard to accept when you have shithole parents - because they’re still the only parents you have.
It’s natural to want your parents to be good parents, even if the reality is that they aren’t.
Also, those parents tend to raise kids to tolerate that kind of shit, and it takes a LOT of time and effort to unlearn their indoctrination.
You can get away with a lot of shit when you’re the one teaching the kids what they should and shouldn’t tolerate
“If you wouldn’t let them in your house, why let them in your head?”
Somebody’s therapist asked this question and they shared it on Reddit. This struck me as quite the thought, helping me deal with some family issues. Others have remarked the same so I offer it up to whomever stumbles across this comment in the hopes it helps them too.
It’s just not that simple. Not in reality.
People often say ‘why do you care about so and so because they’re a shitty person’… because you can’t turn your feelings off like a tap!
People say that about exes, too - ‘he’s a jerk, why do you care about him?’
Because the idea that someone else decides they’re not worth caring about doesn’t alter your FEELINGS!
OOP:
I go through long stretches of low to almost no contact with them. When we start talking again, it seems all normal. Then they pull crap like this. I am currently doing minimal contact. My brother was in the hospital yesterday, so I was in communicating for updates.
He’s fine. It wasn’t anything too serious. Back to minimal to almost NC.
Update Ju…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1dqkd77/my_parents_assume_they_are_going_to_move_in_with/
Lol don’t throw me off a cliff but something less painful. Maybe a surprise party heart attack. Nice to go seeing everyone one last time.
Update June 18, 2024
My (29f) husband (28m) and I are house hunting as we are expecting our 3rd baby in November and are hoping to move out of our trailer park by the end of the summer.
We were interested in a house that was essentially my dream home.
Victorian, built in 1900, but completely refurbished on the inside but with all original wood floors and detailing. Gorgeous.
A house like this would easily be $200,000 last year or the year before. But the housing market is dropping and we found it for approx. $140,000. (We live in the midwest.)
It has 4-5 bedrooms and 2 full bathrooms.
My parents, the other day, asked where they would stay “when we come to live with you.”
This was never a discussion. They just always assumed they would live with me when they are older. I always said “no.”
Well, we messaged the finance person about what the monthly payments would really be. On the app, it estimated $950+ a month. We figured we could swing that, but needed to know for sure before putting an offer in.
She came back with over $1k. Not doable for us. We are going through a program and have a grant. So we aren’t rich.
Lower middle class at best.
Thankfully, we have another house we had in mind. A craftsman style, built in 1920. With built-ins, wood floors, and a nice sized fenced in back yard. The basement even has a slightly finished room, perfect for hiding from storms and tornadoes.
And it’s $20k less than the dream house. It’s just a little smaller, and bedrooms were pretty small. But it’s something I was willing to deal with. We saw it before we saw the dream house.
Well, when updating my parents on the house situation, my mom all but threw a fit.
“You don’t have to go with the first house you see!”
Me: “It wasn’t.”
“You can wait until something else comes up.”
Me: “Actually, no we can’t.” (Some weird law was passes in our state in regards to realtors and our realtor wants us to find a house before it goes into full effect in July/August. Which just gives us more incentive to find a house pronto. So far no other houses have popped up in our area in our budget.)
“YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE YOUR 3RD KID! WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT HIM?”
Me: “Bunk beds are a thing.”
“Are you going to sleep in the basement if you have more?!”
Me: “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“It’s so tiny!”
Me: “It’s bigger than what pictures show. But yes, compared to the dream house, it’s definitely smaller than that. But it’s also more realistic.”
I knew what she was really worried about. WHERE WILL WE STAY?!?!?!*
But she didn’t say it. She started looking at other houses on the app and tried to bring them up to me. They were all houses we had already looked at or were too far away from my husband’s work.
She was really trying.
My dad was pretty chill about the whole thing.
She even brought up a house that needed serious work. “We want to LIVE in the house, mom. And we don’t want a money pit.”
She practically growled at me.
The call soon ended after that.
ETA: For all of those explaining the realtor law thing to me in the comments; thank you. My husband did explain it to me as well, but I do better with reading information than hearing it.
Also, I mentioned this in a few comments, but it might be buried soon. The craftsman is not looking doable for us either unless it goes down in price by like $10k. We only qualified for %3 down in our program, so we would still be paying more than we can/want to each month. We are looking at other houses, some a little further away from my husband’s job. It seems all the more affordable houses that are in decent shape are almost an hour commute from my husband’s work. Which is something we are OK with. We aren’t overly happy about it but are willing to roll with it because it’s not the worst thing in the world.
Relevant Comments:
OOP on what the realtor law change is about:
It’s actually something about us having to legally pay him out of pocket in combination with the commission. He thinks it’s stupid. He was fine with the commission. He was recommended to us by my husband’s siblings. He is more concerned about finding us a decent home than the commission, which is why he is so popular. He’s a rare breed of realtor. Lol
MattFoley00:
After the change, a seller doesn’t have to cover the commission for both the listing agent and buyer’s agent. The buyer’s will be on the hook for paying their agent. Right now the seller covers that. It’s a financial relief for the seller but a new expense for home buyers. However it will in turn increase competition.
ColoradoWeasel:
The seller does not have to pay it but could be negotiated to still pay it to sell the house. Unless the house is under multiple offers they still have incentive to negotiate. Also the amount does not need to be 3% and can also be negotiated. So it’s possible, depending on negotiations that the buyer could be better off or worse off. All depends on negotiations.
DirtyBeautifulLove:
Had the same thing from my in-laws.
We bought a two bed house recently.
They were pressuring us to get the biggest house we could barely afford (like they did). They couldn’t understand why we only wanted a two bed house (which we paid for entirely out of our savings) vs a 6 bed mansion which would have had us paying £2800 for the next 35 years.
They genuinely couldn’t grasp why we would choose to get a small house with no mortgage vs working another 35 years in high stress jobs, and killing ourselves and our mental health doing it.
They were awful to my missus about it too. ‘You are poor, you have no drive, you’re just lazy blah blah blah’ (they both work minimum wage jobs have no hobbies, work all the time, are in poor health, have neglected their kids, we earn £100k between us, which is a really decent amount in the UK). Fuck em.
FakeNickOfferman:
Your parents are way out of line.
I’m 63 and not wealthy. But I told my kids, in their 30s, to push my wheelchair off a cliff if I became incapacitated.
It’s work until you die here.
Kids should not be on the hook for their parents. It also seems particularly burdensome that the parents are pushing this pretty late in the game.
PensiveGamez:
You just reminded me of an episode of Dinosaurs, where it’s tradition to throw your elders off a cliff.
https://youtu.be/VeJmAphT0e8?si=U4kDunrr6SVFIs-v
Editor’s Note: OOP updates regularly, is still pregnant and has not bought a house yet, so I am marking this as ongoing.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.
