I used to play games, but now I only think about the time I’m wasting. I used to like food, but now I only think about how many calories are in it. I’d rather watch a TV show I’ve seen a million times than watch anything new. I read about a book a month but the minutes before I pick up the page feel like procrastinating a shower when the hot water is busted. I did a lot of exercise this week but now I’m left wondering if it was really worth the oxygen.
It… didn’t used to be like this. I’d be happy just going to school, playing games until way too late, talking to my online friends and doing the same thing the next day. Maybe it’s because back then I had graduation in mind as a long term objective. But now, the only certainty left for me is the inevitable fate of every living creature. I’m lonely. At school you’re forced to meet the same 30-100 people every day, but I’ve never been worth going out of anyone’s way. I have almost no social contacts that charge my battery rather than deplete it.
I feel like I should keep trying new things. But honestly, all that’s good in my life was given to me by chance (or a deity if you believe in one). Every time I have actively tried to better things it either changed nothing or made things worse. I’m so tired.
Has anyone “been there” and turned the ship around?
Yeah, I became an inpatient at a private mental health hospital. I can’t tell you how quickly I tried to convince myself I didn’t belong there and how everyone had real problems and I’m not like them.
It was nice doing some group therapy to just see other people. There’s something amazing about not needing to explain what you’re going through and just having others know. It’s not the same thing as others but yeah … a mix of therapy and change of environment and antidepressants got me out.
We did share this video when I had a bit of my imposter syndrome in there: https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc if you haven’t seen it before I recommend it.
I really appreciate your insight and sharing your own personal experience. Thanks for the video, I like the analogy of the black dog. It helps to have an image of what you’re up against.