Hi. This might be a long one.
The next year of June I will be graduating highschool. This is typically viewed as a relatively big event where I am (Scandinavia), where students rush out of the school building, meet up with their families to say congrats, then scurry along to ride around the city and party with their peers.
The issue for me is the family part. My family consists of two main sides: my mother, brother, his girlfriend (1), and then my father, sister, and her husband (2). They have no contact with each other whatsoever and a lot of family feud has occurred to cause that consequence. They don’t actively hate each other, but dislike and pettiness is consistent.
I feel forced to choose between two sides. This has caused me a relative amount of stress lately. My sister and I talked about this, and she said she would understand if I didn’t choose side 2, but she is a family-oriented person so I feel I would still disappoint her. My dad doesn’t care about social events and festivities like this (nor do I, so I’m not upset with him or anything like that). My mom, however, thinks this is one of the most important milestones in life. She even told me she would show up along with my brother (with whom I have no contact; I blocked him a while back because he’s obnoxious and has started to buy into right-wing and Trumpist circles, and I don’t really want to be with people like that. He has expressed very strange views at my father’s house, but that’s another story).
Personally, I would rather none of them show up. My mother disagrees with me on this, but I feel it would be much more awkward with 2 families on the opposite ends to choose between, than having nobody there. Like, who do I go to first? And since they can’t stand to even see each other, how far away would they stand from each other? 500 metres? That just sounds awkward to me.
I am considering only inviting my friend to this celebration, a guy I met in my programming class last year. I would feel infinitely better having only him there than both of my family sides. My mother is a stubborn woman and I’m guessing she expects she will be there along with my brother, and my sister is very sensitive and can hold grudges for a long time, and I feel like I have to choose between a bunch of adults that want to show up to this minor festivity at best. Everyone else my age can enjoy this event, and I’m stuck here trying to plan an acceptable alternative.
That’s that. I’m glad I got to express my thoughts. Any advice or support or personal experiences are welcome. Cheers y’all!
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This is your event, your celebration. You can set a boundary, “You will have to suck it up and act like adults and not be petty, or I will not contact you after this event. If you can’t agree to that, I’d rather you not show up at all.”
This really shouldn’t be an issue because this event is about you, not them. They need to set aside their pettiness and be there for you, for your time. They can be petty at another time.
I can relate to you, having gone through something similar when I graduated about 20 years ago. My mom was also the one who thought it was important at the time, kind of like a coming of age thing, and while my dad wasn’t all that interested, he absolutely wanted to be there, and absolutely did not tolerate my mom or her family.
So the way it worked out was that I bounced between my mom and her family, and my dad and brothers. While I felt a bit bad at some points for leaving my dad alone when my brothers went to talk to our mom as well, or that he ignored her and only spoke to my grandma, he kind of chose that for himself.
I had already made plans beforehand with my mom to celebrate a couple of days later with her family, so after the whole shebang (had no interest in partying), I went back home with my dad and brothers, had a smallish celebration and that was that; family pleasing done, and I had a relatively nice experience in the end, with little to no friction between relatives.
