A post on RSD I wrote on Reddit four years ago. People seemed to find it helpful.

I am the ADHD half and I have been this partner. At my partner and at my therapist, who is an amazing man who has helped me and my partner remain functional and together during the pandemic and deserved better from me.

I have debated such indefensible positions (that I don’t even agree with) as the definition of trauma, the morality of expecting others to regulate their behavior and even the necessity of washing one’s hands during a pandemic. I will break something down, look at it from every possible angle, deconstruct reality any way I can until I find a way to describe it that will make some (in that moment) unacceptable truth seem reasonable and acceptable.

This is 100% RSD related. And I’ve been thinking about RSD a lot. Are you familiar with it?

If not, you can learn all about it just by googling ““Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria”” so I’ll skip any explanations of it and just talk about my journey with it. Hopefully some of it my be helpful to you and to your partner.

I’m guessing your partner does not believe that he has an asshole inside him who gaslights his loved ones and others trying to help him into thinking that his shitty behavior is somehow acceptable. You can argue hard and passionately against something that is objectively true and do so while feeling righteous, instead of self deceiving and overbearing, as long as you believe your own bullshit. And believing our own bullshit and distrusting other people’s point of view is a survival thing for people with RSD.

Here’s the thing I’ve recently come to believe about RSD: It doesn’t have to do with the ADHD brain. It’s not part of our biology, it’s not something ““caused by our brain architecture that we should get a pass for.”” It’s 100% a learned behavior (in myself… I obviously can’t speak for ANYONE else). But if that IS true for others, it means that people, especially men, who grow up with ADHD in Western culture, are learning this behavior HARD at a young age. And like most toxic psychological survival mechanisms, it has it’s roots in learning to avoid something awful AT ALL COST. And that awful situation was REAL and felt TERRIBLE. And it’s also gone… the little kid who experienced it and the teenager who learned to push back against it is now a grown ass adult and can learn better, less toxic ways to deal with it. And I wonder if RSD will manifest differently in kids growing up now, than it did in kids who grew up in the 80s and 90s and early aughts.

What is ““it”” though?

This is a hypothosis. I’ve only tested it in myself and it seems to be true, so take what I have to say with, in the words of Babish, a pinch of Kosher salt.

For me, it’s rooted in ego, competitiveness, self worth and, frankly, a rejection of the shitty behavior of others.

Learning it from the nice teacher

Scenario: A little boy is ten years old. He’s doing algebra for the first time. He’s clever and he gets the concept of variable REALLY fast, way faster than anyone else in his class. And he loves his teacher who’s a nice lady and sings Peter Paul and Mary and Simon and Garfunkle songs with the class. She praises him for figuring things out so quickly. He feels great. He’s so proud of himself, he goes home and tells his mother ““I’m doing really well in math class!”” A few months go by. He’s struggling with paying attention. Turning in his homework on time. Finishing quizzes in the time allowed. He also thinks he understands some concepts that he doesn’t. But it still all comes really easily to him. He likes the class, likes his teacher, wants to do well and enjoys showing off when he knows something. But he’s not keeping up with the reading and is struggling in other ways. . . here’s the important bit: That kids has NO idea that he’s doing poorly! None at all. He still thinks he’s doing well. And he keeps going home and proudly telling his mother ““I’m doing so well in math class!”” Because he likes being there, he likes his teacher, he likes math, he understands the concepts and his teacher is really nice to him when he knows the answers. He believes he is doing well in math, even though ALL THE SIGNS that he’s not, that a more experienced person would see are there all around him.

Then the fall is gone and it’s time for parent teacher conferences. He’s excited to take his mom to meet his math teacher. They all sit down together and presents that little boy’s mom with…

A solid C-

And the feed back ““Your son is very bright and understands the material very well but doesn’t turn in assignments, is disruptive in class, doesn’t pay attention and isn’t applying himself.”” And his mother is FURIOUS and later yells at him and says ““You told me you were doing well in math! Why have you been lying to me?””

Learning it from the mean teacher

Go back in time three years. The little boy is seven. He’s just started at a new (weirdly Christian) school. The teacher has spent several days telling the class the stories of Saint Francis of Assisi. The little boy remembers most of them, because he loves stories. One day the teacher puts him on the spot and makes him get in front of the class and tell the story. And he’s excited. So he goes up to do that. And he starts telling the story. But he doesn’t remember the saint’s name. So he says ““Saint Peter!”” Because he’s seven and that’s the only saint he remembers. The teacher stops him in a strict voice and in front of the class tells him ““You haven’t been paying attention! You’ve disrespected me and my class by not remembering the name of the Saint we’ve been studying all week! You’re so much smarter than this! Go sit back down. Sit up straight, pay attention!””

As above, the little boy feels ambushed. Didn’t see it coming. And still doesn’t even know the Saint’s name.

I could go on. You learn the lesson from parents, coaches, the next door neighbor, your Spanish teacher, your piano teacher. You learn it over and over. From kind people who mean well and want to help, from impatient people who want something from you NOW, and, often, from angry people who are sick of your shit. But the message is the SAME.

You are so <smart> <talented> <creative> <charismatic> <knowledgeable> <intuitive> you would be <such a success> <capable of so many things> <exceptional> <promising> if you just <weren’t so lazy> <paid better attention> <applied yourself> <took pride in your work> <had better self discipline> <were respectful> <had good judgement>. Also SURPRISE, you didn’t see this failure coming (subtext: you idiot).

And you try and you try, but no one ever gives you anything and you just feel like

““I could be awesome if I just didn’t have such a flawed character.”” Basically. It’s the message you get.

And one really toxic thing is, you start to believe it and you get comfortable with failure.

Another really toxic thing is, you KNOW you’re NOT <lazy> <undisciplined><etc> because there are things you ARE really good at and you can do them super well and so the problem isn’t with you, it’s with a world that expects you to be able to do those hard things and shames you because ““they’re so easy””.

And then one day, maybe it’s tenth grade now and you’re sixteen and you’re bigger and smarter and self confident but also awkward and you’re angry. . . at yourself, at others who reject you. And someone makes you feel that way and you feel the shame and self judgement start to come welling up but then you get angry and you’re like: