I’m gonna be honest, I’m not asking for a friend, I’m asking for myself. Our daughter (24) married this man (65) in September. She herself stated money was the main reason, and he knows it but it doesn’t bother him. Both my husband & I are having a very hard time getting used to the idea.
I’d work on processing my feelings and sorting them into helpful to express, necessary to express, and unhelpful and unnecessary to express
Do you trust your daughter’s ethics and willingness to prioritize her happiness? If not that should be your concern, otherwise learning to trust her to leave if anything goes as wrong as it likely will is something to focus on.
Regardless of everything, therapy is probably a good call for you. It’s not just for the mentally ill, it’s also a resource to help deal with it when life throws you a curveball.
As long as both parties acknowledge what kind of relationship it is, and she gets what she wants out of it, I think I would be able to accept it. Doesn’t mean I would like it, though.
My cynical view on this situation is the pros are 1) she’s fast-tracking home ownership for a generation that generally expects to not own homes, 2) she’s securing financial stability during the traditionally least financially stable era of adult life, 3) working as a paid live-in caregiver pays significantly little comparatively and it is damn hard work, 4) she may have plans on marrying for love later. She’s still maturing, so having a starter marriage that’s lucrative may not be a totally terrible idea.
Honestly at the end of the day, you want her to be happy, right? If she’s walked into this with eyes wide open, considered all the cons and still found the arrangement preferable, is it really the end of the world? What would your feelings be if she had chosen some other non traditional relationship?
Yeah in the old world where a little elbow grease was all you needed to afford a house, this would have been a coward’s move and creepy as hell.
Now, it beats the pants off of most jobs. Which is all the evidence you need of how much of a failure society has become. This situation should be awful, but it’s pretty nifty by comparison.
This is the best comment ^
I agree with many people here that it’s up to her. It’s her life and she’s going to live it how she wants. How you feel about it doesn’t matter. I think what she’s doing is morally objectionable because it turns a relationship that should be about caring and mutual affection and all those flowery concepts and turns it into a financial transaction. He gets companionship and sex and she gets money and not having to work (I assume). But once again, this is her decision.
How do you manage this? You either accept that or you don’t. You get to determine if you want to be part of her life or not. Perhaps this is too much for you. Perhaps not. But your only options are to accept the arrangement or not.
I’m not sure where morality comes into the whys of getting married. Historically, women have married for things other than love, when they had a choice at all. If they maintain fidelity and keep their agreements with each other, how is this any less immoral than marrying for love?
I would hope that love-based marriages are what we all aspire to. At least in my belief it is. I’m not telling people what they can’t do with their lives. There are plenty of things I disapprove of, but I don’t go around berating people for not living as I would like them to.
The OP sounded like they didn’t like this kind of arrangement for children, possibly for the same reason that I don’t like it. So I was letting them know that I agree and sympathize but at the end of the day their child is an adult and can do whatever they want. It is the parents’ decision with how they will react to things they don’t like their daughter doing.
I can agree with all of that, and it’s what I hope for for everyone. I just don’t think having other priorities is necessarily immoral, although it certainly can be.
She’s not underage and the husband knows the deal. I would make sure she has a back up (a man is not a plan). Make sure she has a job/career to fall back on, and if she’s stay-at-home, see if she gets any kind of money from her husband on a regular basis that she can put into her own savings. Other than that? Hopefully the wedding was bomb.
If they’re cool, they’re cool.
Be sure to wring the old fart dry
mmmm, wet farts, sharts if you will
I’ll add one thing to other’s responses. Make sure she, not they, but she is covered financially. If she spends 10 years with him, not developing her career, and he drops her, will she be OK?
I.E. its perfectly OK for them to have this arrangement, it’s not OK for her to be in a situation where she feels trapped by money.
Bahaha dude u realized she “trapped” herself in that scenario?
How did we get to a place where people don’t deserve the consequences of their actions?
She only “deserves this” if it makes her rich???
Do u see how fucked in the head you are for thinking that?
A transactional relationship shouldn’t end in one party pulling the rug out.
But also, her parents should be largely concerned with her happiness and stability.
We don’t like your kind around here.
Go somewhere else.It was the tween-like dialect, wasn’t it?
It’s the fact that he sounds like one of those incels who gets really upset by the idea that sex work and mutually agreeable transactional relationships shouldn’t end in the financially benefiting side getting cheated out of what they agreed on
u
people don’t deserve the consequences of their actions?
That’s a glass house.
Somehow reading your comment managed to actually make me stupider.
It may become complicated if some day she does fall in love and if it’s with someone else. She may be faced with hard choices if this happens.
how do you manage?
I’m relatively conservative, so probably a blend of bonds and market tracking index funds.
There’s nothing wrong with prostitution. At least when her boss dies she gets a payout.
When my boss dies, I’ll still be expected to drive across four cities to do a job that I could do 100% remote during the pandemic
Tangent but how the fuck our we in a world where we can lock ourselves in with someone for financial gain, we have tiny computers in our pockets, we can travel the world in a matter of hours, we have set foot on the fucking moon. yet we are chained by capitalism.
We sell our buddies intimately, we give the largest chunk of our waking life to employers. We are fucking slaves. Knelt for our masters.
But the worst part is we accept it. Lion share of comments are praising her, a few are pointing towards a kink which if that the actual reason then what ever. I feel sorry for her, not pity but the fact she is potentially degrading herself/selling her intimacy for a the semblance of dignity in a world which should afford us all dignity.
…we have tiny computers in our pockets, we can travel the world in a matter of hours, we have set foot on the fucking moon.
All brought to you by capitalism. Is it really such a surprise that money rules everything?
If you can’t find something better(because it works and people won’t give it up to go back) then why would things change?
Everyone on the bottom is forced to see what those on top have. Especially in this modern age.
“Why do i have to sacrifice when I’m barely surviving, when those people have way more than ill ever have?”
For the greater good right? Well its become bought sold and corrupted and is now The Greater Good©®™
Life is now a product because it was never prevented from being more than that.
In this economy? Good on her.
She’s an adult and I assume she’s mentally capable. Just support her and when/if she ever regrets her decision, she’ll have you around to lean on.
If you openly hate on her decision or shame her for it, you’re only going to drive her away or make her even more firm in her choice.
I’m with you with everything except for the regret part. Some decisions have consequences that you can’t just get over. Life ruining consequences that follow you for the rest of your life. This probably isn’t it, but as an adult you need to take responsibility for making those decisions without expecting daddy and mommy to always pull you out.
I’m not sure how you interpreted my comment to mean that “Mommy and Daddy” would need to pull her out. I only suggested they be there with love and not shame so she doesn’t stop speaking to them.
I interpreted it as you implying that if shit hits the fan, her parents have to pick up the pieces. You’re right though, parents should be there with support, not to shame their children.
I’ll be very blunt: it’s her life and her decision. There is nothing to ‘manage’. You either accept it or you don’t, but if you don’t, there’s a good chance you will lose her.
I agree with you, I think OP means manage in the sense of managing themselves in this situation they clearly don’t like, not their daughter.
Yeah true, I think you’re right. In that regard: I think it’s all about acceptance.
