Hereās the story: I (24 F) was in a non-committal fwb ārelationshipā, I guess you can call it, with this guy (23 M) where we were seeing each other multiple times a week and hanging out, going on dates, sleeping together all summer, but never really discussed what it was. Which is fine. I wasnāt really that crazy about him tbh, he was kind of disrespectful of my political views (Iām a leftist, heās a hyper lib and āimmune to propaganda cause we have freedom of the pressāā¦ lol), he was also pretty bad at sex, but I donāt really know what I want anyways and Iām just happy to have someoneās company for the time being. We met in July and he broke things off in October.
The reason he initially broke things off is because his life started to get busier and I was clearly just not a priority for him. He got a job, lives in an apartment with his friends who want to do stuff with him at least once a week (standing appointment on Mondays), his dadās pretty active in his life, he has dinner with his mom and sisters every Sunday at 5, and he uses any time in-between to go to the gym. This wouldnāt have been problem except that I worked Mon-Fri and he worked Tues-Sat, and Sunday dinner was non-negotiable for him, leaving us with no real time to spend together. I tell him on a given Sunday, āmom and sisters will survive if you have to miss dinner every once in a whileā and followed by radio silence until he sends me this text, at 1pm the following Tuesday:
Fwd:
Hey, I apologize if youāve felt like Iāve led you on. Iām at a pretty busy point in my life where I have a lot of people around me and Iām sorry I canāt spend more time with you, I did enjoy the time we spent together and I really did like getting to know you. Thanks for introducing me to your life, but Iām breaking things off."
Okā¦ not sure where you Fwdād that from. Kinda disrespectful to do this over text, out of the blue, during the work day, two days after our last communication, and the implications of āsorry if I led you onā in a ābreaking things offā text is kinda gaslighty and gets under my skin, but whatever. Again, not that crazy about him. We were just spending time together. We could have totally negotiated or broke things off mutually if he had told me what the deal was.
Thereās just one hitch: I just bought a home and I was counting on him to help me move out of my apartment. I donāt really have anyone else in my life I would ask for that kind of help and probably wouldnāt have even gone looking for a home if it werenāt for him being available to help and hype me up for it. So I asked him and offered to pay him, he agreed and said I wouldnāt need to do that.
So fast forward a month, moving day comes, we havenāt talked at all besides coordinating the day. He brought a joint for us to smoke at some point, and heās talking about how we can do this and that together around my new place, so I have to ask āā¦do you still want to hang out then?ā and he says āyeah, if you still want toāā¦ Okā¦ you donāt really break up over text with someone you want to keep seeing but whatever, boys are dumb, Iāll proceed with caution. He was really helpful at managing things during the move; I have ADHD so I was super grateful to let him handle the executive functioning parts, especially being exhausted from painting all week on top of my full time job.
I got lunch for us both, my treat, and we got maybe 60% through moving all my stuff, until 7pm rolls around. Iām really aching to take a break at this point and just hang out for a while, maybe smoke that joint. He says āSorry, I have to go, theyāre having this this thing for food service workers (his line of work) in [city he lives in], I just got all these texts from my friends and theyāve been begging me all week.ā So now Iām left staring at this big pile of stuff in my walk-in basement where we dropped it all, Iām barely more than halfway out of my apartment, and I get kind of emotional cause I donāt have many people to call for help with the rest of it plus all the home improvement stuff that is also in progress, which I can do myself but would go by a lot faster with another person around.
Also, am I not a friend? This wasnāt the first time heās made me feel I was less important to him than all of the other people in his lifeā¦ and any of those times he could have invited me along if he really wanted to see me. He didnāt tell me ahead of time that he had a hard stop, he just picked up his phone and saw all the texts from his friends and decided on the spot to ditch me. I was only asking for one day out of the month since we last spoke, he was just talking up all the stuff we could do together and even mentioned how heād worked as a painter in the past. Also, I donāt know about anyone else, but Iāve never had friends that were ever around that much when we lived together, much less would drop whatever else they were doing cause I asked them to, or expected me to do so. Must be nice though.
We go return the U-Haul I rented, I drive him back to his car, we hug goodbye and he says ālet me know if you need any help with anythingā, I thank him for his help and we part ways.
The next week I text him, āHey Iāll probably be painting and/or unpacking on Monday if u wanna come by and help againā
No response.
The next day I call him, straight to voicemail. Wait a week, call again, same thing, so he must have blocked my number.
Donāt know why, he could have just said he didnāt want to help me or hang out again and I would have been fine with it. Maybe his friends got to him? There was one girl I could tell didnāt really like me. But then there was his guy friend that basically called him a womanizer in front of me. These are the two people he lives with. So thereās that.
Itās a couple weeks later now and I just found out from my gyno that I have chlamydia and I need to take antibiotics to treat it. Donāt really know who gave it to the other, he slept with at least one other girl while we were seeing each other but I hadnāt been tested in a while and there was a guy I slept with before him (who fucking broke me for a while btw and blocked me on everything but thatās a story for another time) who was kind of sleazy. I feel a responsibility to other women he could sleep with, but I have no way to personally contact this dude. He has a really generic name and all I have of his are his phone number (blocked), his home address, and where he works. I could go knock on his door, but itās a 40 minute drive and he might not even be there. I have half a mind to just call his work in the morning and have whoever picks up let him know the news, since heās made it clear he doesnāt want to ever talk to me or see me again and was just plain disrespectful about it. Is this too far?
Guys that Iām into, arenāt into me. Or they just use me. Men in their 20s arenāt looking for love, at least not the ones Iāve met, but theyāre good at acting like it when they want something from you and moving on like it never happened when theyāre done.
Two people with different priorities isnāt one person using the other. Itās both using each other.
How are you screening potential partners? Please read while contrasting against your own experience in relationship and what you look for in a partner. TLDR @ bottom
For context of where my advice is coming from. Iām in my mid 20ās and live in the midwest in a suburbs area near several top universities. Met my partner online 5 years ago (early twenties for both of us) before c-19.
I have autism (undiagnosied at the time) and therefore would be forced to take a 10 min break from driving on the highway (over stimulation) about half way through the drive when visiting them.
One month into our relationship we became long distance where I visit them during fall/winter/spring (1Ā½ hr, one way) and they visit me during school breaks/summer (20 min) due to school/living circumstances.
Timeline is we met in August during 20 min distance, went on 3 dates (1 per wk) before committing to eachother, and then became 1Ā½ hr distance right after our 4th date. We were long distance for 2 years and the c-19 lockdowns occured 6 months into our relationship.
This sounds like a lot of emotional/physical labor to commit to a relationship right away -but I also had a zero tolerance policy on certain deal breakers. Other ārulesā were on a case by case basis
By end of the first date, I would need to know: +Am i attracted to them both physically and mentally? +What are their expectations in a relationship and what does that look like to them short term vs long term. Know their expected timeline of events. +What do they consider fundamental human rights and what would they add to their list instantly worldwide if they could? Make it lighthearted by offering a joke answer first to give them time to think. (This can be done on a second date if you want to keep date 1 shorter)
Make sure to cover these most of these topics before committing to a relationship 100% physically, mentally, and financially.
+What is love? Not just for you as a romantic partner, but as a friend, family, parent, for themselves too?
+Kiddos? What happens if not possible due to extraneous circumstances? What about miscarriage? Current political consequences on womenās death rate during pregnancy/birth? Whatās the plan for becoming a single parent due to death of the partner for either of you?
+In-law elderly long term care. If they volun-tell you that youāll take care of their parents and donāt consider your own parents without a prompt from you or subtlety dismiss your own family, RUN! Whoās paying/saving for their and your elderly care/retirement?
Zero Tolerance for ANY relationship
I refuse to put up a mask for a life partner. Get in my life 100% or GTFO
Things to note :
+Recognizing that not everyone desires a deep relationship like this is hard.
+People are willing to be vulnerable if they see the other person become vulnerable with them. This is mirroring and is a wonderful tool to see quickly who is willing to put in the TRUST in opening up. +Have prudence in what you share is something that will be easy to say āfuck themā if they use it to hurt you. If you start off in the deep end, then it can only go deeper from there.
+If they donāt engage with you, they arenāt worth your time to convince them. It will be a never ending fight (+50 year) that is exhausting.
Note: listen for yellow flags like not taking any accountability, immaturity, skewed perceptions of reality.
Highly recommend to start off the relationship with no penetrative sex. Truly see how selfish or selfless they can be in pursuit of sexual gratification. Do they have an inferiority complex towards using toys in bed? Whether or not youāre not a virgin, they should 100% support you and not pressure you to have sex. Itās a no question, the assumption always is, that penetrative sex is off the table until marriage or you change your mind. If they ācheck in to see if youāve changed your mindā thatās disrespectful. They will know when you change your mind (by having sex of course) and are subtlety pressuring you for their own gratification.
Of course all these expectations that I have, I communicate to them and demand that I also engage with them likewise š
If itās ātoo muchā then they can GTFO. There is value in these guidelines and the right person will put in the hard work. Partners that want all that, yet donāt contribute nearly the same are scamming you of your emotional energy/labor. You have value, but itās your job to chase off the scammers until your value is recognized. If i feel undervalued, communicate that and my partner does not work to address my concerns, I am actively devalueing my emotional human experience and the foundation of a loving relationship
Sorry for the word vomit, lol. TLDR; First give context of my own relationship to provide background for advice/questions. Advice boils down to ādonāt waste time on superficial relationship that will devalue your emotional experience. If someone doesnāt want to get to know you, then theyāre taking themselves out. Praise the universe they GTFO now and not after becoming legally bound together.ā