I have a pet project I’ve been working on to modernize an electric organ console, and one of the final things needed are toggle switches. On a modern organ these are able to be manually toggled, or they can be flipped up/down programmatically using electromagnets (video). The ones purpose built for this are obscenely expensive but I can’t find anything even remotely similar. Am I crazy for thinking this kind of switch are used in more things than just organs?
You could also consider a type C latching relay and a momentary switch as others have suggested.
Momentary stays disconnected in a middle position, then momentarily goes up or down. You could have that drive the relay coil one way or the other, and perhaps use some LEDs to indicate which side is on or off. You could then digitally drive the relay as well. It does mean you lose the latching of the switch, but its likely far less expensive.