I need a male perspective on this.
My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but lately, I’ve been working a lot of grueling night shifts as a pediatric nurse. We’ve committed to helping his sister with her treatment costs, so I’ve been taking on more shifts to contribute.
On Monday, I worked an 8-hour shift that ended at 6 AM. I got home around 6:30, and I’ll admit I wasn’t the quietest since I had to grab my pajamas from outside. I accidentally woke him up, apologized, and got into bed. He was a little annoyed but started initiating. I told him—gently—that I was exhausted, especially since I had just lost an inpatient. But he was clearly frustrated, and he had to be up for work in two hours, so I ended up going along with it.
We talked the next day, and he admitted he’s been feeling frustrated with how often I’ve been turning him down. We used to have sex daily or close to it, but now it’s around four times a week since my schedule changed. He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing financially.)
I get where he’s coming from—he has a high libido, and I know intimacy is important. But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of men on r/deadbedrooms frustrated with the “I’m tired” excuse, so I’m wondering—do most guys feel this way? Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?
Would really appreciate some honest opinions.
I will answer as another member of an every-day sex couple, since others may have different lifestyles. We usually compromise up, not down, so if either of us wants it we do. I don’t think that matching sex drives is a silly thing to want - we started hot and have continued hot, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t want to every day anymore.
BUT
You don’t need an excuse to say no! Even if he wants it everyday and you usually want it everyday, nobody going to explode doing it 4x/week! And he has a hand. I think the problem is likely more that he is having to ask and get turned down, if I am reading this correctly. My practical suggestion would be to initiate it yourself once a week or so, at a time you want it, and also of course communicate, communicate, communicate, and do other physically affectionate stuff. I think also, it’s stereotypical but women lose sex drive when stressed but guys sometimes use sex to manage stress, so it may not make sense to him that you don’t want it when stressed.
The Dead Bedrooms guys are not having sex 4 times a week. It may not be his ideal but it’s not near a dead bedroom.
ETA: I can imagine you are frustrated, the extra work is for his sister so you are already doing more “marital duty” than many people would be willing to. Marriage is a partnership. I am willing to do a lot for my man because he does a lot for me. I am sure your husband’s sexual frustration is real but he’s being selfish and that will cause resentment, and that is toxic. If you are throwing in a lot of extra work, it’s time for him to step up and take care of you, not time for you to kill yourself trying to do everything.
I asked my husband about your situation and he just said “that’s bullshit. Someone DIED at her work and he whined at her?”