I’ve been crying almost daily for a year now, while trying my ass off to keep a stiff upper lip. I’ve been desperately hanging on to the standard justifications (maybe tomorrow it’ll be better, can’t let them win, this will pass, won’t rain forever, etc., etc.) out of sheer inertia, but I honestly can’t say that I believe any of them.
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out which way to take it in life, what to do with myself, but all I feel is the walls closing in. And they’re suffocating me. The world is a fucking mess, my life is a fucking mess, I’m completely alone save for a couple of acquaintances with whom I have no true relationship, my close family is entirely dead (which, if I’m being perfectly honest, isn’t all that different than when they were alive, except I’ve been grieving the death of my mother for five years now and it doesn’t seem to end), and I’m getting old.
There is nothing which makes me want to wake up in the morning anymore. There is nothing to get me excited anymore. There is nothing to look forward to. And I don’t think I’m depressed, because depression felt like letting myself sink in lukewarm tar. This feels like a desperate, rabid sadness, like my soul wants to shred my skin off and just howl itself apart. I can feel my innards wanting to live, truly live, to experience at least some satisfaction, some sort of enjoyment, but I don’t know what I could do to get there.
I used to love being creative, but now it’s as though that pipeline got clogged up with rotten socks. I used to love interacting with animals, but all I conclude when thinking about getting a dog is that it would be unfair to that poor creature to have it bunk up with my despondent ass. I used to love hanging out with friends, but all of my friends turned out to be people who were only looking out for themselves. I used to love my country, but there’s nothing left to love around here anymore. I used to be fascinated by nature, now all I see is how little sense it makes and how worse it’s getting due to climate change. I even used to love loving someone, but now I just think about having to go through the process of dating and I’d rather just throw my soul away than have to do that again. I loved smoking weed, now it’s just a waste of money, because I’m just as miserable when stoned. I haven’t felt joy in… I don’t even remember how long, but most definitely not in the past decade…
And I’m so… so fucking tired. I feel more tired than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And not “I need more sleep” tired, it’s as though I’m one of those old cars abandoned in parking lots, with busted wheels and corroded bodywork, with weeds growing through the upholstery. I don’t feel sick, I feel spent. Utterly spent.
And I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Hot air balloon pilots are always looking for crew people. Balloon clubs are having their annual safety seminars over the next couple months.
Repair stations are performing annual aircraft inspections, which requires a visual examination of every single panel on the balloon. They love having extra hands and eyes.
Not op but I’m interested. Do I just call a hot air balloon company and ask if they are hiring?
That’s one way, sure. Those companies typically do ride business.
I would suggest looking for repair stations. Every balloon needs to be inspected by a certified repairman every year, so those certified repairmen know every pilot in the area. Including the private pilots that don’t do ride operations.
That genuinely sounds lovely! But hot air balloons aren’t all that big in our country (Romania), most of my compatriots prefer to yell at their phones in public, pop illegal explosives months after New Year’s, and just generally being uninteresting assholes…
So?
Ballooning isn’t “all that big” anywhere in the world. It’s a small community, but an extraordinarily welcoming one. We need help, and most of it is stuff we can show you how to do in a couple minutes. The hard part is connecting interested people with teams.
Romania actually has some very large balloon festivals that attract crews from around the world. Foreign teams rarely bring their whole crews, and rely on local volunteers. Big, special shape balloons often need 20+ local crew people.
No, if there is criticism to be laid on ballooning, it’s that we often cancel our plans at the last minute, due to weather.
I honestly didn’t even know we had hot air balloon stuff at all around here, I’ll look into it. Thank you.
That’s the same everywhere.
I would suggest looking for repair stations. Balloons need to be inspected and repaired by trained and licensed repairmen in certified facilities. As rare as balloons are, repair stations are rarer still. But, if you find one, they will know every balloon and team within 200 miles.
This actually sounds like it may even be a career-worthy thing, always wanted to get into some sort of “fixing things” job.
I think balloons are possibly an example of an activity that would allow you to focus on external instead of internal and also require a degree of physical activity. Both of those are excellent ways to get a little break from what you described. I might add that suffering with thoughts and feelings sometimes is shortened by allowing ourselves to do it more intensely for a bit. I’d try both - allowing myself to wallow intensely for a bit and then get up and do something for a bit. Repeating as necessary. I’ve found it to help a little bit sometimes. It looks like you’re getting quite a few responses. It’s nice that others identify and care enough to write.
Exactly. Ballooning is just an activity that puts together physical activity, some structured socialization, sunshine, a little adrenaline…
And a flamethrower.
Everything is better with a flamethrower.
I really do need a break and I think even the slightest possibility of being allowed to join someone who’s taking one of those things up and away from this fucking place would let me at least catch my breath.
I didn’t expect to receive this many thoughtful replies, yeah… Makes me even sadder to think just how many lovely people are suffering…