I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
Had to check what cabin fever is (I only know of the film, but can’t quite remember the plot). I see what you mean. The thing I feel frustrated about it, and with myself is that it’s a self-feeding cycle. I lock myself up because I can’t deal, I don’t want to meet or see people because I get too anxious, so I stay indoors for weeks. Yet this isolation, no matter how much I enjoy it, and can acknowledge it’s a really dangerous regimen, I still stick to it. I see how it slows down everything I have to do, my hygiene is the worst it’s been. Everything just feels sucky. And the worst thing is how comfortable this isolation feels. It’s a habit now for me. And I know I should break it, but honestly, I don’t want to.
Yup, that’s exactly how it goes. And that’s exactly the part you have to coax, a little at a time.
Maybe start with doing one thing differently a day, it could be brushing your teeth, or just going outside for a bit. You might not like it, but you can stand it for a little while. Over time, you’ll feel the difference it makes, and you’ll be able to stand slightly more.
Take it in small steps. You don’t have to go from shut-in to orgy in one go, it might be enough to watch people at a start, then maybe smile or wave at someone, or move where you have to move out of the way of people. Going to the cinema could be an excellent goal, it combines novelty with safe interactions and getting out, while also letting you recover from each.