I have no friends or partner, Iāve been very lonely.
When I go out to try to meet people, no one ever comes up to me and starts talking to me. But if I want to meet someone I have to do exactly that. But like, why should I have to be the one to initiate 100% of the time? Shouldnāt it be 50/50? (And Iām not really talking about societal expectations of the man initiating with the woman, Iād rather have a boyfriend anyway.)
I have such a hard time initiating conversations with people, to the point where I mostly just stress out and sit there alone. If someone initiated with me things might go better. But they just donāt.
The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that literally no one has any interest in me.
One thing that I suspect youāre probably missing is that you are likely to be giving off āDonāt engage with meā vibes unintentionally.
If you go to a social place like a cafe or a bar or somewhere similar, observe how different people signal whether they are open or closed to interactions with others (often this is quite subtle so unless youāre fluent in body language or an avid people-watcher, you may miss the smaller cues so YMMV.)
People who are open to engagement with others will have at least a small smile on their faces, they will orient their bodies outwards towards the open space rather than towards a corner or a wall, they will have their heads up and often theyāll be scanning the room or gazing out into the room, and they will do things like make limited eye contact with others who are doing the same thing.
If brief eye contact is made with another person, often thatās where thereās a subtle exchange of signals that occurs such as a slightly increased smile, a small nod of acknowledgement, a quick raise of the eyebrows (but not in an exaggerated or suggestive way - more like an eyebrow flash that monkeys do to signal friendliness or submission [i.e. āIām not a threatā/āmy eye contact is not intended to be intimidationā]), perhaps even mouthing the word āhiā or a small, open-handed gesture like a raised finger or two or a sort of truncated wave.
Then the next thing is for one of the two people to approach the other, often under pretext, and to start with an opener. This is culturally specific so it becomes more difficult to determine what is appropriate given your cultural context but openers which are neutral and directed at something external and mutually agreeable is a way of signalling intent to engage on a friendly basis rather than seeking to pick someone up, so something like āItās a beautiful day out thereā would be the cue for the other person to respond affirmatively and to build on the opener and to leave conversational ābreadcrumbsā to signal that they wish to lead the conversation from behind, so their response might be āIt really is. Itās a nice break from the awful weather weāve been having and itās so much nicer walking my dog when itās like this.ā
The ābreadcrumbā there is that the other person is signalling that they want the first person to lead the discussion towards the topic of their dog. āOh, I love dogs. What breed do you have?ā
Etc. Etc.
Once the other person has reciprocated enough and there is an indication that thereās mutuality in the conversation after a few more back-and-forths which are kept light and are not too personal, especially when the other person has shown interest in the person who approached them, the person who approached might say something like āDo you mind if I take a seat?ā while gesturing towards a nearby seat which is not in direct contact with the other person. A seat opposite them or one which can be reached without having to squeeze past the other party is a socially-appropriate choice, except where itās a particularly small or crowded venue in which case being in close quarters is to be expected and itās generally more acceptable.
This is generally where you would introduce yourself by name and seek the name of the other person before continuing the conversation.
This is more or less how people strike up conversations with other people who are strangers in public venues where people are open to approach. Restaurants at dinner are generally not appropriate. Casual dining restaurants at lunchtime are more appropriate for seeking conversation. Bars are almost always appropriate to seek conversation in. Thereās a lot of rulesā¦
All of that sounds good in theory, but it also sounds like an excerpt from a list of things autistic people canāt do or find extremely difficult. Just keeping a smile on my face takes effort and feels so forced that thereās no way people canāt tell it is.
Actually, Iām wearing a mask anyway because I donāt want to catch covid. Iām guessing most people see me wearing a mask (and like an N95 not a shitty cloth mask) and are turned away by the āweirdnessā of it because ācovid is overā. Even though the chance of me catching covid without a mask is probably greater than the chance of me talking to anyone, with or without a mask. Or it probably just comes off as uninviting in general, itās literally a protective barrier.
I wonāt even go over why the small talk and signals and shit are hard, because Iāve never gotten there anyway.
Also, bars being about the only good place makes things harder because I donāt drink, so Iād be going there and just sitting at a table doing nothing and probably end up just looking at my phone which definitely would signal people not to engage.
On the autism thingā¦ what are your interests? Iām in largely the same boat, but Iāve made a few friends through a local club for fish keepers. While I doubt that is of much interest to you, the most pleasant part about it is that I never have to make small talk or worry about masking. Hobbyist communities were tailor-made for autistic people and they usually have some sort of structured social activities to participate in. Mine even does a monthly Zoom social hour for the immunocompromised and agoraphobes like me.
Bars and clubs have never been my preferred social space for the reasons youāve listed, but those venues are honestly designed for neurotypicals to meet other neurotypicals. If you enjoy them then by all means keep at it, but Iād also suggest finding some more ND-friendly spaces so that you arenāt exclusively comparing yourself to the more socially fluent NTs in your life. Some examples Iāve found beyond hobbies:
Some nearby kombucha bars are a lot quieter than traditional bars and often will even hold designated sensory-friendly events. Usually the sort of people who go to a kombucha bar instead of a traditional bar are also looking to meet people. A colleague who is also autistic introduced me to the concept.
Animal shelters that need volunteers are nice because you get to know people while working alongside them in a low pressure environment, and anyone who volunteers at an animal shelter will likely be at least somewhat empathetic. Of course, some of the volunteers are simply there because they prefer the company of animals over people.
If thereās a college nearby, Iāve enjoyed attending some community theater productions and usually people are willing to talk about the show when itās done. Iāve never met any friend this way, but itās alright when youāre craving some conversation beyond job-related small talk.
The kombucha colleague also goes to a drum circleā¦ I think Iād be way too self-conscious to do anything like that, but it has become pretty integral to his social life. He is not an accomplished social masker so I think it must be a pretty welcoming environment?
Once I stopped trying to socialize the way neurotypicals socialize, my social life became much more enjoyable. Itās good to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but thereās also plenty of good to find within your comfort zone. I aim for the sweet spot where the two start to overlap.
Sure, but Iām just giving a rough description of a typical way that a casual conversation or connection would be struck by two strangers following allistic conventions to give OP an opportunity to consider where they may be giving the wrong signals to allistic people which makes them feel āunapproachableā for conversation/friendship with strangers so they can reflect upon what might be within their capacity to change, if they so choose to mask in order to connect with people.
Fair enough and I understand anyway. In my experience it doesnāt ever get any easier but you can get better at it, although itās taxing to do.
So, like I mentioned, there are the options like cafes or casual dining places particularly during lunch. And thereās no rule against going to a bar and drinking something non-alcoholic.
If you are looking at your phone then you can apply the strategies detailed above sporadically to see if anyone is willing to make a connection with you. Or you might consider something else like playing pool or reading a book.
I feel like youāre taking my general advice, which was a response for OP to use for their own reflection, and youāre taking it personally. If you struggle with things like small talk and facial expressions to the point that itās prohibitively difficult for you then it might be better for you to seek out autistic spaces or groups in your community because then there will be far less expectations for masking when you are attempting to connect with others.
I am OP btw, that reply was my reflection of your general advice. Iāll definitely try to be more aware of my perceived approachability, but it will be difficult to put on an approachable vibe. Iām not particularly good at masking even if I wanted to, Iāve spent most of my life (especially high school, before I knew Iām autistic) just staying withdrawn from other people to avoid the trouble of social interaction entirely. That was a huge mistake in retrospect, probably the worst mistake of my life, but I had no way to know that.
Iāve sought out specific spaces, but I just havenāt found anything.
Shit, do I feel like a doofus š¬
I wouldnāt be too hard on yourself. Socialising when youāre autistic is hard especially if you are doing it without the right support or the right environment. Withdrawing is a very understandable response to situations which are overwhelming or which feel like theyāre impossible.
As someone who is high masking, late diagnosed, and who put huge amounts of effort to try and understand socialising with allistic people to fit in, itās a nice skill to be able to draw upon but I canāt say that Iām convinced that it was worth the toll that it took on my mental health nor the social situations that it got me into. But Iāll spare you the pity party. Suffice it to say that itās easy to look at high maskers and to want that for yourself but what you donāt really get to see is all of the negative consequences that comes from being high masking and what it takes to get to that point.
Keep on looking and consider the ānerdierā hobbies because they tend to attract neurodivergent people. You might want to think about taking up something like D&D or a hobby that youāre interested in that attracts diehard enthusiasts because youāll often find autistic people hiding out in those kinds of spaces and having shared interests or opportunities to share experiences can take a lot of the effort out of establishing connection with people.
Since youāre still masking, have you considered intentionally connecting with others who are? Thereās a disproportionate number of neurodivergent people in covid-conscious spaces because, broadly, weāre less likely to make decisions based on social pressure and what everyone else is doing. You might be able to find people to meet up with in person as well as local covid-conscious events on covidmeetups.com and also through Facebook groups with the prefix āStill Covidingā