https://nitter.net/aprettyPR/status/1733189753523081247
I might not have used the phrase waste of money, but I’m within the same ballpark if I’m asked to do something I don’t want to do. I don’t want to spend some $60 for a tiktok trend. I’m slow to do activities beyond what I’m already investing my limited energy into. I historically feel like I’m putting forth a lot of energy on top of what I already use to exist to be aware of my partner’s presence, making sure we’re doing enough together, making sure they’re happy, etc. It has historically been and seems like the sort of thinking that your partner should want to do things like this that makes me feel like I’m obviously out of the loop on something. I couldn’t imagine wanting a partner to be down for every idea I have and there would be some catharsis in not having the expectation that I drop what I’m doing and open up my wallet for theirs. “I don’t want to spend money on this” is a common part of my life - it’s something that I’m conversing with myself all the time. I could but I’d be content abstaining. It seems like if “if [he] wanted to he would” is the dynamic, then my partner would be another spinning plate (alongside work, health, social obligations) instead of my fellow plate spinner with their own burdens to satisfy.
The consensus that the boyfriend is being hurtful and obviously a bad partner feels like getting checkmated. How could I ever be a good match for any of those people? How could I ever want to? Because they spend their hard earned money on some cutesy thing for me in return? Like please don’t. Where am I going to put it? What if I want to horse around and there’s all sorts of fragile shit around? What if we have friends over and now there’s shit they need to be careful around? What if there’s shit we need but we already spent all our money on shit we don’t need? Big expectations around gifts feel like a big burden. “comrade let’s go for a walk.” “comrade let’s cook a meal.” “comrade let’s have friends over for board game night.” “comrade teach me something new.” “comrade let’s have a deep conversation.” “comrade my friends are having a party.” are things off the top of my head that would feel much better to drop what I’m doing for and look forward to doing it. The kind of person who would do shit like that with me is the kind of person who I’d go on road trips with, travel, move in with, etc. But the idea that we’d get into fights over some sort of “you should want to do this” and “I don’t want to” isn’t a good answer would be disqualifying for me and it looks like that’s a common attitude.
I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I think normal relationships don’t involve filming yourself asking your partner to buy you like $500 worth of books so you can make tictoks about unwrapping them. In fact I’m like 60% sure the video is staged.
That said, I feel like part of compatibility is having comparable expectations of the kind of life you’ll live and the kind of support you’re willing and able to offer. I feel like there are definitely couples where there is an understanding that if one person wants to make some over the top gesture or go on an expensive holiday or make a huge purchase or try a really extreme lifestyle change the other person is 100% down at the drop of a hat. That isn’t every relationship though, I’d say it’s probably not even 1% of relationships. If you would never sacrifice any time or money to support your partner in something important to them, sure, maybe you aren’t in a place in your life where a relationship would be a boon, that’s OK as well, not everyone needs to be in a relationship all the time. However that isn’t the impression I’m getting from your post.
The expectation of support is like all expectations and boundaries in a relationship, something to be established and respected, which can change and evolve throughout the course of the relationship. If there is a serious mismatch then that particular relationship might not work out, but everyone is different.
I think you’re falling into the trap of treating social media as a reflection of reality. It’s all fake, the people commenting are assumed identities sharing fantasy opinions on a fantasy relationship they experience only through the lens of online content. It’s public performance art, don’t base life decisions on it.
thank you, comrade. I think I’m still seeing afterimages from my last relationship. It could never hurt to spend less time on social media
No problem comrade, we all need some outside perspective sometimes. Especially with stuff like that video, which I think is doing the rounds in no small part because it plays on peoples insecurities.