I am one of six children. Our childhoods were characterised by neglect and isolation. My mother has cronic fatigue syndrome, yet she took it upon herself to “homeschool” all of us. This led to extreme isolation, as my parents were on the fringes of society, and we children occupied a space on the fringe-of-the-fringes. There was no larger familial support, as my parents were both the black sheep of their respective broken families. Nor was there community support, as they were not members of any community, both being friendless. The education recieved was a joke, and in the latter years any pretense of homeschooling was dropped completely after my parents divorced. My mother sunk into a great depression, isolating herself in her room, crying daily. The children, now fatherless, and whilst the mother was physically there, she was mentally absent, ran the household. No adults to offer guidance. There never was, as it would be disingenous to have ever called my parents adults at any stage of their lives.
Years later, my mother’s an unemployed drug addicted husk of a woman. My father’s obese, with rotting teeth, constantly in and out of work. Both are still friendless. Not even superficial ties to any communities. There’s no attempt from either of them. They’re people who have given up on life.
Us children, mostly in our 20s now, some having reached early 30s, are complete wrecks. One has turned to drugs to cope. One has become a mute, pedophile shut-in. One is trying to recover after being groomed and abused by a pedophile for many years. One has insomnia and an addiction to alcohol. Only the youngest, who thanks to the divorce and my mother’s deteriorating mental health, was shunted to school at an early age, is doing OK. And OK is depressed, suicidal, and violent. Then there’s me…
I’m in my late 20s. I’m chronically depressed. I have visual snow syndrome and tinnitus. I didn’t even know these things were abnormal until recently, having had them for as long as I can remember. My main struggle, overlooking the great shame and humiliation of not having an education, is that I can’t socialise. I’ve never had a friend, and I don’t know how to form or maintain relationships. I make people uncomfortable. The lonelyness is killing me, but I don’t know how to be with people and not make them uncomfortable. Being around other people makes me uncomfortable too. I wish I was normal, and could laugh and interact with other normal people.
I’m trying to fix things now. I’m on antidepressants. I’m seeing a physchologist, and a psychiatrist. I’m trying to get hobbies. I’m trying to do “normal people things”. However, the more I try, the more I realise I’m not normal. I’m so far behind my peers in education, socialisation, career, etc. that there never will be a point where I’m not seen as an abberant anomoly. I feel like a pathetic failure in ever dimension. I’ve had my first tentative atempt at suicide, and I’m pretty sure that’s how I’m destined to go out.
The isolation as a child left me hallucinating, and bored. Oh so very bored. Pretty sure I developed maladaptive daydreaming to cope. The isolation as an adult is leaving my suicidal. I see both my mother and father reflected in me, and I hate it with all my being.
This post is just venting, and perhaps looking for some guidance or communication with other people. The only time someone contacts me is if a sibling wants money. I live a sad fucked up life and I’m over it.
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I’m so proud of you for trying to heal, and I’m so sorry you’re going through such a rough time. Loneliness is the worst. I’d hug you if I could.
Also, have you read Running on Empty? It’s a book specifically for survivors of childhood emotional neglect.
You may see yourself as behind in socialization, career, education, but that’s only if that’s how you measure yourself. It isn’t going to be easy to have the same life financially, I understand, but that doesn’t mean you’re devoid of experience. If you knew that the worth of yourself and everyone else was measured in experience and the strength it takes to get through that, then you’d be rich. Don’t discount yourself for your differences. I can relate to feeling left out as well, but I promise that there are gifts that come with that. Like a zebra hating its stripes because it doesn’t look like the other horses. But it’s so beautiful in its own way! To say you wish you didn’t go through the life you have so far is to make judgments about who you are now and assumptions about the incredible you that you’ll one day be. We don’t know the future, so it doesn’t help to make assumptions about it. After all, we couldn’t paint a wonderful piece of art without a blank canvas, and that’s what the road ahead of you is. The normal people with normal lives and normal hobbies may seem happy at times, but they might not have the richness of experience, depth of emotion, compassion, and other gifts that might be hiding in you that helped bring you to where you are today. They don’t get the blank canvas to work with that you do. And that’s okay. 👍
You should feel proud of yourself for the steps you’ve taken so far. Seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist is huge!! A lot of people might be afraid to do even that! Go you! I hope you can give yourself a bit more understanding as you’ve been through a lot, and try to have more patience. It helps to find a friend who doesn’t judge you, or is even curious about your differences. Or keep posting online and interacting here. Maybe you’ll run into more people with similar experiences. I think some people from mormon or other religious households or cults have had similar experiences and post online about how hard it’s been to adapt to the rest of the world. Finding people who accept you the way you are will go a long way to helping you feel more accepting of yourself (something you can also work on even on your own too). I’m rooting for you. ❤️
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I dont know if what I going to write is going to be good or bad, however I want to say that I can get you on some of your points about loneliness and wanting to be normal.
On loneliness, I have learnt to be try be true to myself and hold onto certain convictions. It isn’t foolproof but it helps weather some of my life issues. I also try “love myself” or at the very least work on accepting it. I feel a strong outer image is fueled by a strong inner one and the last thing that acts like an anchor for me is having a role model.
I went through a really dark time in my life before where when seeking help, one of the first things I was given was an anti-suicide pact… it is just a piece of paper, but the important takeaway way was that when I asked a friend if they could be the anti-suicide buddy they accepted.
Now I very rarely invoke it, but a recently did and that person just being their to listen helped me a bit to claw a bit out of the muck. I hold this individual in high regard because when things went really bad and I had no one to turn to, they listened.
On being “normal”. I have asked myself what is “normal” and when I look around and observed… normal is just a fancy way of saying conformity to me. Conformity brings comfort, but for me I am a star shape trying to fit in a circle hole. Trying to be something I am not doesn’t bring me happiness so I try to just be me.
I have thoughts, opinions and most importantly I am an individual. I cannot be someone else and expect to be as good as them.
When I see the world’s history, it is usually the non-normal individuals that leave a mark on the world, not the normal ones.
I really hope I didn’t come off patronising or anything. And my experiences are different than yours. Honestly I am not happy with my life, but compared to the condition I was before… I think there has been an improvement even if it just a little.
Just hope that my thoughts can give off some positivity.
