Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
She grew up in a dangerous environment. In a lot of ways, she’s always in fight or flight mode. Usually fight.
It’s something she is getting treated for. She’s on an anxiety med and visits a therapist once a month, but between that and a very stressful job, she’s worn down.
It’s a really complex situation all around and I don’t know of a straightforward way to deal with it.
It sounds like the real issue is that you’re reconsidering if managing her current mental illness is still worth it. It’s a valid question. You do need to make sure you’re in a relationship that is good for both of you. But if you know she has this issue, and know that’s the cause of her problems, you should be able to talk through it.
Approaching every situation in “fight mode” is often what turns mundane interactions dangerous.
She needs to realize the value of being able to keep a level head and assess situations.
Or she needs a dog to feel safe not this toxic masculinity shit. Men aren’t your eternal protector, they’re people who can be scared or confused.
Dogs get scared too…
They do but you can cuddle them and it’ll make you feel better usually.
Well there you go. People online are quick to say breakup but I’m not. I think this is a learning experience for her, and for you a bit on her mindset. She needs to get her fears under some control. But it can be hardwired so sometimes we have to play along and stand between her and strangers so she feels safe (but still unpack it later).
That’s not the issue.
The issue is she blamed her partner for not doing anything wrong. And held up the wedding above his head like a threat. Has she even apologised yet?
Yes she needs to unpack this in therapy. Her thoughts after aren’t in line, but the root of this whole thing is the/her reaction to the door.
That is the right move for her. But that does not necessarily help him. Change can take a long time, especially if the traumatized person does not want to change or is not honest with their therapist. In her case, change would mean letting down her defenses and not attacking everyone in sight when she gets triggered (which very often is going to be her partner and that’s not fair to him). Letting down her guard is going to be very difficult/impossible because it’s the only thing keeping her anxiety at bay. It will be a long process to see real change. He’s already reconsidering the relationship 2 years in, and this therapy will likely take much longer than that to see real progress. If he’s not up for dealing with her episodes in the meantime, he should be moving on with his life.
I would say did you have a leveled and rational conversation about this incident? I think her understanding your perspective, your upbringing vs hers, and her self-identifyed baggage, you could come out of this stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. Re: those who say “holding the engagement over his head” - isn’t it perfectly reasonable to express hesitation in a relationship when you are unsure of its future? Seems to me she doesn’t know if she can get over this thing. She is re-evaluating. Now a good discussion could put that to rest, but it could also lead to the opposite, so truth or compromise?
“Dont propose this year, but I may change my mind” is pure “have cake and want to eat cake.”
That’s a weapon right there. It’s a statement that says “because of your actions, you have put your place in our relationship in jeopardy. You can now earn your place back if you please me.” You make statements like that to end a relationship, or to control someone, as those are the only two places you can go from there. That is not a somewhere OP wants to be.
The only, only case the above would be anything but emotional blackmail is if she said the first bit, realized it was a relationship ender, then was chagrined and immediately tried to walk it back. That doesnt seem like the case based on OPs wording, but maybe he can clarifying.
Having read the rest of the comments, the way she grew up sticks out to me. I obviously don’t know the details, nor should I know them, but you said she grew up in a dangerous environment, and she compared your response to her father. The question I have is, “Would being like her father be a good thing?”
I don’t have any context, and maybe her dad was a pillar of safety and stability in her life, but my first thought was what if he had been part of the problem, and either way, I think that’s something that’s worth looking into for both you and her. Is she unconsciously seeking the bad parts of her past, or does she equate that kind of aggression with a sense of safety? Or maybe none of the above. Regardless of the answer, I think getting to the bottom of that response could help you both move forward, in whatever direction that ends up being.
If she is getting treatment for it maybe see if they will let you sit in on a session to discuss what happened. I’m sure that isn’t your idea of a good time, but a (hopefully) neutral 3rd party can help you diffuse emotions and try to be objective.