Thereās this rising narrative going around that if you ask specifically for a CIS partner, youāre a transphobe. That could be true for some people but itās not fundamentally related to bigotry. Moreover, this narrative, the āif you only want a CIS mate then that is prejudiceā is trampling on one of the most important rights a person can have: the right to choose who they want to get intimate with.
First of all, transmen are in fact men and transwomen are in fact women. Letās get that out of the way. This isnāt a foot in the door for ātrans this really isnāt thatā narratives. What this is about it is the freedom to choose who you want to be intimate with. That right is sancrosanct, it is absolutely inviolable.
And yes, thereās plenty of issues that make transgender dating a special issue. If someone reveals their TG status they can be open to hate crimes and even deadly violence. However all marginalized groups are special in their own way. As a black man I donāt think itās racist if a woman says she doesnāt want to date a black man. I face oppression, too. My class is special in its own way. One group isnāt more special than the other. None of us have the right to force ourselves upon those who donāt want to be intimate with us, even by omitting who we really are.
Really, if you have to deceive or hide who you are in order to date someone, do you really want to date them? I wouldnāt. Thatās not fair to you and youāre denying them their right to choose who they want. What do you think will happen when the person wants a CIS mate and they discover the truth? Theyāre going to get pissed and dump you. Now you have to shame them into staying with you: āIf you loved me for real this wouldnāt bother youāā¦ thatās not going to convince anyone. Theyāre either going to leave, or theyāll resent you forever. Thatās just how it is. You can be mad at that but thatās about as effective as protesting the rising of the sun. Thereās just no way to win once youāve gone down that road.
āI want a CIS mateā is not the same as ātrans women are not womenā - one is a preference, the other is harmful prejudice. On the flip side CIS people who do date trans people shouldnāt be shamed for their choices either. A man should be free to date a trans woman and not catch flak about it. Trans people should be able to be openly trans and not face hate speech or threats to their well-being. This, without any exception whatsoever.
The fundamental fact is when you shame or worse abrogate peopleās right to choose who they want to get intimate with, itās not going to end well for you. All youāre going to get is people who resent being coerced or bullied to date people they donāt want to. And thatās not something the country, or the world, will ever put up with. Except that right now, most people donāt imagine they can be labeled a transphobe just for wanting a CIS mate. And unpopular opinion: that should be nipped in the bud.
Thereās a difference between having a preference/orientation and outright saying āno trans peopleā on your profile, imo. The former is totally fine and I think the vast majority of people think the same. If you did the latter, I would definitely remove that. Itās unnecessary and can make people feel shitty. Just swipe left on people you arenāt attracted to, and if you find a dealbreaker while talking to someone, politely disengage.
In general, I find itās best to avoid putting any kind of negative thing in your bio. Both because you run the risk of making people feel bad for no reason, and because psychologically, you want people to associate you with positive things about you, not the things you dislike. Most people have a lot of dealbreakers that are far too numerous and exhausting to enumerate anyway. Just asses for yourself, and if you donāt like something about someone, move on.
Doesnāt it make people feel bad to talk to a large number of people only to have most of them disengage as soon as they find out youāre trans?
Yes, having something like āno trans peopleā in someoneās bio is also hurtful, no doubt. But perhaps hurtful interactions (either from seeing something in a bio or from having many disengagements from others) could be avoided by having it be something that can be put into a userās filter settings?
A better solution might be to just state your preferred genitalia.
Sounds crass but a āstrictly dicklyā announces the preference without the inherent negative connotations of āno trans pleaseā
Better, make the app do it on the backend
āI like DICK, donāt care from whatā you tell the app and it matches you based on that as well
I agree, and I believe OP does too, but I read their post as āsince we live in a world where trans people canāt 100% feel safe or want to post the fact that they are trans, and we end up dating and I later find out they are trans and I did not want this in a partner, now weāve wasted everyoneās time when it could have been addressed from the get-go.ā I believe OP is trying to discuss what the best way of putting this preference on your profile without straight up saying āno trans peopleā.