I’m in my early thirties and adamantly childfree. I’m lucky enough to be in a long-term relationship with someone who brought up her desire to be childfree on more or less our first date. But I am not having too much luck with my friends from childhood and university - they all seem to be wanting kids, and learning of their pregnancies leaves me with a feeling of sadness. I don’t hate kids and think no one should have them, and I am happy for them if they truly wanted this, but I also know what them having kids will mean - we are essentially putting our friendship on hiatus, and I still don’t know whether waiting 10 years for the kids to be a bit more independent and not requiring as much attention will mean I suddenly have friends again, but somehow I very much doubt it. And I also don’t want 10 years without other friends than my girlfriend. She is in very much the same situation, and while we are good at making the best out of not having kids and stressing about having them, we both would want to be able to hang out with good friends once in a while, both common between us, but also some that are exclusive to each of us.
My assumption is that this is quite common - so I am hoping someone would like to share some success stories in turning this situation around. :)
I specifically object to the “becoming an uncle” part. This includes special attention, gifts, considerations well beyond what I’m willing to give even to my own non-immediate family. Visiting my friends and acknowledging, even interacting with the kids superficially, that’s more than OK. But they are not my family and they’ll never be.
Sorry I used the word uncle, it was a metaphor and it’s stronger for some people I guess. I have like 9 uncles and don’t talk to any of them.
I doubt that using “uncle” as a synonym for “disinterested asshole” is going to get much traction.
I’m wondering what kind of family you have where this is considered a norm.
I’m quoting other people’s answers that appear to express those actions as the norm.
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How they view you and how you view them are not necessarily symetrical. Some of my friends’ kids definitely view me in sort of a familial way, like a favorite uncle, I don’t return that sentiment, but it doesn’t make their view of me any less valid. I’m not giving them any gifts or any more attention than is strictly necessary.
Many of us do view our close friends as a sort of family, I’m much closer to a lot of my friends than I am to some of my family members, it wouldn’t be wrong to say I think of some of them as sort of extra siblings and favorite cousins. I also have relatives I don’t particularly like and try to avoid, but still have to play nice with at family functions, and the kids kind of fall into that category. They’re sort of like the racist uncle, the spoiled cousin, the bitchy new fiance, or the drugged-out family fuck-up. They’re part of the package deal with the rest of the family, but if they just vanished one day I wouldn’t be too broken up about it.
I’m lucky to not have any of those, then.
You don’t have family functions? Or are your family members all outwardly hostile toward each other when you get together?
The former.
You mentioned in another comment having lots of uncles. Your family never gets together? No holidays, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, family reunions, etc?
If that’s the case, I don’t really see your opposition to being an uncle, it apparently comes with no added obligations in your family.
Very rarely, and it doesn’t involve any obligation. My mother’s side of the family is in another country, and I’m not close with my father’s side. Besides, nobody is entitled to my time by default.
Words have meaning. Implying a relationship of any kind with kids when I despise them is insulting.