Hello to my friends from Lemmy, the title may be misleading to some.
Long story short, I was in a relationship for a bit over 2 years and I broke up with her recently. I blocked her everywhere, and initially struggled with not thinking about her and our relationship all the time, but now I find it hard to think. Although I have coped and detached very well, it seems that I have nothing to think of, and if I’m not spending my time on entertainment or studying (e.g. in the car) I resort to thinking about my relationship again. It’s been making me really unproductive and I’m not even sure what I was like when I was single.
It’s not that I am obsessed with “her” or feeling anything, but I can’t focus on nothing - it seems that my mental resources keep running and forcing me to concentrate on something. But I don’t want to think of “her” again. The past few days I often thought of “her” sexually romantically or as physically present, but now I often stress about the relationship itself and question all the decisions I may have made in the relationship. I mean I’ve considered actions and things that happened in my relationship in a productive way but I keep on going back to thinking of those things again (which isn’t helpful at all).
Does anyone have advice on how I can sit and focus productively or even neutrally, instead of trying to rethink and overthink a relationship that I’ve already thought of.
Edit: if you want further info about the relationship itself, https://lemmy.world/post/727078
You’re heartbroken mate, and speaking from experience it fucking sucks. I wasn’t technically cheated on, but a week after doesn’t make it feel any better.There is no way to really get past it - some say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, but TBH I’ve never tried it. You’re not just losing the person, you’ve lost the future you have planned together and are now trying to live a new one.
Best I have is that it takes time. You will find it getting less and less often, and hits less and less hard until its just gone.
This does work most of the time but you also run the risk of falling for someone who isn’t a great fit and then you’re back in the same cycle.
Time heals all wounds, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a scar.
Damn I have a good number of scars… as I mentioned in another reply I don’t want to be with someone just to deal with this. I want to have genuine connection, not push my issues to someone :) so I wanna wait till it happens not force it.
Oh yeah, I wasn’t advocating for that course of action. Just stating from experience that it works but also that it doesn’t necessarily fix all problems. There just isn’t a good way to heal from this pain other than just wait and work on yourself.
Thanks mate. I’m not heartbroken, but the thing is I HAVE NO FEELINGS AT ALL. If anything I feel glad that I found out she had a bf and blocked her, instead of staying with her not knowing about it. In all honesty. I’m just bored and tired that the relationship occupies my mental resources. There’s nothing else to think of when I’m not actively doing something. You’re right, it feels like I lost the future and now I’m not sure what it feels like to be single. I’m carrying on with my studies but when I’m not studying or watching youtube I find myself thinking of the relationship and I have to force myself to do something I can’t just sit and not be bored.
I used to think of calculus and mathematical problems all the time when i was single, I solved all of those complicated problems by now. Now I have nothing to think of at all. I know this doesn’t seem a reply to your post, and thank you for your advice, but the major issue isn’t heartbreak anymore - more so the unproductivity and boredom on my head that keeps lingering.
You say getting under someone else helps… that’s a good idea, but how can I find solace in myself at the moment? I don’t want to be with someone just because I can’t deal with this myself. Thank you.
Heartbreak isn’t just the traditional movie heartbreak with ice cream and a bestie. The no feelings at all is a sign of grief and denial… I remember the numb, distracted feeling all to well even after 18 years, two ex girlfriends and and amazing wife with 3 kids. Even though you broke up with them for good reason and did make the right choice, you have still lost that future and those annoying hormones, habits and instincts still like to kick our evolved ass, - its why your mind keeps coming back to it when you are idle.
Like all things, it takes time. At risk of quoting Big Mouth/ Human Resources “The only way out is through”. It can’t be avoided or blocked, you just have to take the time to work through it. Im really sorry there’s no magic pill (I looked, gaming was a nice distraction) , but I would warn you to be careful with alcohol and drugs - the can make you feel something but puts you on a dangerous path.
That first paragraph was a great explanation. Thank you for that perspective there.
It’s kind of weird that first relationships rarely do work out. It’s only the third day now so maybe I should let time do its thing. This will only make me stronger but this does make me afraid of having a relationship in the future! Will not touch any drugs, thanks.
Hey mate, just going through my account and thought id check in
It’s been so long man. But damn I had to struggle, and I am at a better place now. Still a student, but I have grown a lot. Bless you for helping me at a vulnerable time. It still hurts sometime, but I know I have made a lot of progress in positive things.
Great to hear from you - haven’t forgotten and good to know you’re kicking ass. People forget that growing is painful, if it wasn’t we would have already done it.
Keep at it mate, remember me at your wedding because you’re going to get there.