Game Warden License #0813180

Issued by the Miwok Protectorate of the Sasquatch Confederacy
Office of Homo Sapiens Management
Department of Population Control

  • 17 Posts
  • 20 Comments
Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: August 23rd, 2023

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  • Didn’t expect to be surprised by a spider, but gotta say, this woman is inspired, and when I started checking out her other tracks, Yosemite hit me just right:

    Only I know who I am
    I am not woman or man
    Protector of water and land
    A voice or the meek and the damned
    I rally all who are chosen
    Who don’t let society hold them
    Asylum for the hurt and the broken
    Precious metal, I am golden
    Of the moon and the sun
    Where I’m from is outside of the matrix, yeah
    It has begun, revolution, we gotta say this, yeah
    I don’t need faith because I see, because I feel this
    I don’t believe because I know I am the seed
    Call it what you want
    Call it what you need
    There’s a shift, there’s a glitch in this reality
    Now it’s up to us
    Now it’s up to me
    To invoke what was spoken through the air that we breathe
    Call it what you want
    Call it what you need
    There’s a shift, there’s a glitch in this reality
    Now it’s up to us
    Now it’s up to me
    To invoke what was spoken through the air that we breathe
    Oh, oh, oh-oh, ooh-oh
    Oh, ooh-oh, oh-oh, ooh-oh
    Oh, ooh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
    Oh-oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh
    A voice of the meek and the damned
    Precious metal, I am golden
    Don’t let society hold them
    Call it what you want
    Call it what you need
    There’s a shift, there’s a glitch in this reality
    Now it’s up to us
    Now it’s up to me
    To invoke what was spoken through the air that we breathe



















  • So here’s the deal.

    First off, the Valley of Fire is huge - we’re talking Grand Canyon sized, pocketed with open pools of magma and molten rivers. Where the fire doesn’t flow, the jungle consumes all. Ferns taller than me, vines the size of your tight, and mosquitos the size of passenger pigeons. Don’t even get me started on the damn dragonflies. At 90 degrees in the shade with near 100% humidity, it’s not a pleasant hike, so by the time I got to the cage match, I was completely exhausted and soaking in sweat.

    I was in no mood to be served with a child support subpoena, so I can’t be blamed for slugging the birdman who delivered it. Asshole shot me in the nuts with an energy beam afterwards and then sent me a bill with another subpoena for a personal injury lawsuit.

    So it’s good we’re getting out of town right now. But I digress.

    It turns out that about 80 years ago, back when I was the drummer for Wyldtoe and the Squatches, we had played in a tiki bar just inside of a vortex in Sedona (before the place was crawling with hippies). I met this groupie, a redhead, Mogollia, and we got… intimate.

    I never heard from her again, and thought that was the end of it. But apparently she moved from Sedona through the vortex to the Valley of Fire to raise our son - goddamit - I mean daughter.

    That’s where things got complicated and I screwed up. The child support paperwork was filled out for a boy, specifically a boy named Moon Boy, and when I calmed down I decided to go and talk to Mogollia and meet my kid.

    So I get to their thatch hut, and knock on the door. A young girl answers, and I say “Hi, I’m looking for Moon Boy. I’m his fath-” but then she yells at me about deadnames and deadbeats and slams the door in my face. “It’s Moon GIRL you worthless asshole!” she shouts out the window.

    To make things worse, that’s when Devil Dinosaur decides to show up. Because it was in the back yard. It’s her damn pet. So this thing starts chasing after me for making Moon Girl cry and I can’t kill my kid’s pet. Even if it is a forty foot tall hellspawn from the Jurassic.

    At that point, I figured it was best to cut my losses. So I pulled the old disappearing Sasquatch trick and slipped into the jungle, which didn’t go over well. “Yeah, that’s all you’re good for, LEAVING!”

    I spent a couple of nights out there trying to figure out what to do, because each time I tried to go back the damn tyrannosaur would chase me away. So I finally sent a letter by messenger raptor apologizing, but I haven’t heard back yet. I mean, I was honestly trying to do the right thing.

    I hope she forgives me.

    Pass me that bong, willya?