Thanks, I think you put that perfectly.

I am anxious that I am being selfish, that this could resolve if he just had more time, that maybe I’ve not fought long or hard enough.

I know it’s not any of these things… But yeah, I don’t have the confidence in myself right now.

Thank you so much for sign posting me to this. There’s a meeting local to me on Monday and I’ll definitely be going along.

He’s not ready to acknowledge he’s an alcoholic (I’ve said I believe he is, he disagrees, I’ve said that doesn’t change that I believe he is, etc.). And I know you cannot change something you’re not ready to admit is real. I truly hope he manages to get the help he needs following this.

Just to clarify, I don’t believe he would threaten to hurt himself (in a “I’ll kill myself I’m so sad” sort of way). I think he’d unintentionally hurt himself via alcohol.

His family are very conservatively minded when it comes to mental health, very much “suck it up” and “it’s your own fault” and essentially “we don’t talk about our emotions because that’s uncomfortable”. Being subject to this attitude has very much resulted in the person he is now (which breaks my heart, but it was the same for me tbf). There’s also issues there in general right now, and they don’t have the capacity to support him.

I can hope his friends make an effort this time to support him, but I’m not optimistic. I can’t reach out to them, and anyway they’re of the opinion that he doesn’t have an issue (because they don’t see it). They’ll enable him as much as I already do.

No don’t worry, I know you’re not trying to be mean. Honestly, there’s nothing quite like the input that internet strangers with limited context can give you, to make you step back and go “huh yeah that’s what I would think if I heard this”.

I know he’s an alcoholic. I’ve said as much to him many times before (he does not think he’s an alcoholic, and I’ve pointed out that of course he wouldn’t). I’ve also vocalised that I would like for him to seek help, but understand he won’t be able to do that until he acknowledges there’s a problem and is ready to address it.

But honestly reading your post has be realising that, while I can logically and rationally know that he is an alcoholic, I’ve not reconciled that with my emotional knowledge yet. I’ll bring that up with my therapist when I see them next, as acknowledging both my rational and emotional brain is something I struggle with.

If I dig deep, I think part of me does know that I’ve tacitly enabled it (partially through fear of not ‘winning’ over the choice of me or alcohol, partially because of social conditioning from the very unique area we live in essentially normalising it). And realistically yes, he will not change, because the pub is his “safe space” (I wish I was kidding but he’s actually said this).

You’re absolutely right I think. Ahaha, oh man that is awful. That simultaneously made me feel a lot better and also worse, but that’s it, that’s what I needed to hear.

I have literally never thought about it like that. I’ve always kinda assumed that emotions as transactions are inherently bad (part of the reason I’m in therapy XD).

But honestly… No, I’m not sure I’ve believed him to be trustworthy for a while, because the evidence doesn’t point towards that (e.g. his lack of follow through on pretty much everything).

I appreciate the food for thought, and will examine this in myself more.

A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.

So I guess the thing is that I made a choice to continue fighting, meanwhile he made a choice to essentially bury his head in the sand (both on our shared issues and his personal ones)?

I actually don’t think he’s consciously aware of it, but I guess that doesn’t matter. He still has a duty to stop and introspect (and actually listen to what I’ve been trying to tell him).

Thanks, appreciate the insight and input.