I keep hearing excuses like “but your highness the entire crop was destroyed and we’re starving” or “but my lord I’m dying of the plague”. Like ok? That sounds like a you problem. Someone has to do all the work around here and that someone’s not going to be me.
I think the problem is that serfs don’t understand just how hard it is to round them all up and march them to war against our neighbors who so disgustingly eat a different staple animal than we do and so should obviously be destroyed. And then there’s all the work of trying to breed sons who’ll live long enough to carry on the war. It’s exhausting. You’d think they’d be grateful for all of the justice dispensing - I mean, we all agree it’s so boring, but are they happy when we come up with creative solutions like cutting their children in half?? Of course not!
They just don’t realize how good they have it. They don’t have to constantly watch out for Grand Vizier Al Rashid, that slimey worm, constantly trying to poison my dates. I’ve gone through 8 food tasters this year alone! They don’t have to deal with their nephew Bin Al Hazam scheming and plotting to take the throne, the little shit. I should just have him beheaded and be done with it, but then I’ll never hear the end of it from my sister; kid’s father’s probably a barbarian, anyway.
I mean, seriously. All they have to worry about is rising before dawn, hand-plowing the fields until dusk, and maybe losing a kid to a lion. Which is actually a bonus because then we get to have a lion hunt! But no, it’s all “wah, wah, who will now guide the plow while my wife and I pull?”
Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask - you up for another war? My economy’s been a little in the slumps lately, and some pillage and rapine does wonders for moral.
I knew you’d understand. I can’t go to war this weekend, I have to attend a few trials and executions (sigh), and you know how long it takes to draw-and-quarter someone or burn a witch at the stake, and a tax haul on Thursday, so Monday-Wednesday would make for a nice small war. Burn down a few huts, take some livestock, maybe even some treasure.
Tell me about it. So. Much. Work. Keeping society running is nonstop. Do you have a problem with peasant poachers in your Royal woods, too? That’s, like, half my beheadings right there! And then the Church is always whining about all of the heretics that need to be burned; I swear, if I wasn’t able to take wood from the serfs, I’d have no fires in my fireplaces this winter with all the witch burnings!
LOL if you think I’ve left the serfs any money to pillage, but - and you didn’t hear this from me - the Abby in St. Saintsburgh has some really nice candlesticks - solid gold, I’m told. I’d have them myself if the Bishop weren’t so popular. They’ve got a nice crop of pretty novices this year too, if you know what I mean.
I hear that Baron over on the South border has been giving you grief; how about I lay siege to his castle while you’re “busy” at the Abby? Set us up for a good excuse for next time, get rid of some thorns, restock the royal treasuries, and plausible deniability to keep the nobles & church quiet? Win-win!
M-W looks good on my calendar. Wife’s due to give birth that week, but even odds she won’t survive it anyway so I don’t need to be here.