Libertarian 1: “—I’m just saying, with those spandex shorts they wear, there is simply not enough bulge in the Tour de France for my liking. No homo.”
Libertarian 2: “You know, that makes me wonder how many people have wanted to become bicyclists over the years, but just could not get over the embarrassment of showing a little bulge…”
Libertarian 3: “And that makes me wonder how many people became bicyclists specifically for the opportunity to show bulge!”
Libertarian 4: “You know, cycling is actually known for having a risk of damaging the pudendal nerve. Professional bicyclists know how to align the saddle to avoid this complication, but for inexperienced, amateur cyclists, it can actually cause some short-term erectile dysfunction or other urogenital problems!”
Libertarian 1: “Wow! That’s crazy!”
Libertarian 2: “Heh, maybe that’s the real thing that stops the bigger guys from going pro — they’ve got more to lose from an accident!”
Libertarian 3: “Yeah, and maybe for the bigger guys there’s a risk of the thing, y’know, sliding under or something.”
Libertarian 4: “Yeah, back when I used to frequent cycling forums, there were a lot of threads like that, of people talking about how they couldn’t find a good place to put their ‘stuff’ without it sliding somewhere painful.”
Libertarian 1: “Wow, really, you were into biking before?”
Libertarian 4: “Well, yeah, I tried to get into biking a few years ago, but…”
Libertarian 2: “…But what?”
[Libertarian 4 blushes, remaining silent]
Libertarian 3: “Man, don’t tell me you’re…” [places index fingertips together and then moves them apart 7±1 inches]
[Libertarian 4 softly nods]
[Libertarians 1-3 blush in turn, not wanting to objectify their friend for something that has clearly been a source of embarrassment and distress over the years, but also like wow damn bro uhhhhh wanna go to Red Lobster sometime orrrr]
[Music fades out; libertarians 1-3 look at each other, then at libertarian 4, none of them wanting to say or accuse each other of what they’re all thinking]
[This situation is getting way too awkward, someone needs to change the conversation]
Libertarian 3: “So, how about car races, then? People always say that those who drive sports cars are ‘compensating’, but if driving fancy fast cars is your whole livelihood and life’s passion, would that rule still apply?”
Libertarian 1: “I’m gonna say… Nyeah, probably not. That level of confidence that they must have to get in such big, dangerous machines, going so fast, it’s not called BDE for nothing. Just sayin’.”
Libertarian 2: “Well, I think there’s probably a wide range of sizes represented at the Indy 500, because unlike with a bicycle saddle, I don’t think there’s anything about a car seat that would be comfier for some sizes than others, and I think that size bringing confidence is just a myth. I think the desire to drive race-cars doesn’t have anything to do with size, I think it’s equally represented across different sizes.”
Libertarian 4: “You know, a former roommate of mine liked rallying in his freetime, and he was disappo— I mean, uhh, yeah, I, uh, caught a peek of his ‘thing’ while we were… sh-showering… one time… and, and, uhh, it was, it was on the smaller end. Like. Micro.”
Libertarian 3: “So there’s at least one small one, then!”
Libertarian 2: “And God willing it’ll be at least two soon!”
Libertarian 3: “Really? Who’s the sec—?”
[Libertarian 2 points to self]
Libertarian 3: “Wow, really, you’re small?”
Libertarian 2: “Yeah, it’s always the ones you least expect, isn’t it?”
Libertarian 3: “Hey, small is justice, as they say. I myself prefe— uhm, I mean, I have no problem with smaller guys, p-platonically, I mean. Not sexually. Definitely not sexually. No homo.”
Libertarian 1: “Hey, I’m sorry that I was saying that stuff about BDE.”
Libertarian 3: “And I’m sorry for saying that thing about sports cars as compensation.”
Libertarian 2: “Hey, don’t worry. It is absolutely true that a lot of smaller guys struggle with self-image and confidence, and it’s important to stop ascribing personality traits to size like some sort of phallic astrology — but we can’t progress as a society without acknowledging how the stereotypes affect people now. As long as we understand that the stuff about BDE and sports car compensation is just jokes, right?”
Libertarian 4: “You know, just personally, I prefer mediums because I like bottoming, but I’m sure that if you’re small you can find other ways… to…”
[Libertarians 1-3 stare at libertarian 4]
[Libertarian 4 realizes that he said the quiet part out loud]
Libertarian 1: “Hey, can I… talk to you in private for a bit?”
Libertarian 2: “Yeah, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
Libertarian 3: “I’ve got a feeling I know what the both of you want to tell him, so I’m just gonna preemptively say ‘ditto’.”
Libertarian 3: “Uh, we were just talking about different races’ dick sizes, but we got a bit off track, no pun intended.”
Louie: “Different races’ dick sizes, huh? Well did you know that the Indi—”
Libertarians 1-4: “—shut up, Louie.”
Libertarian 3: “Louie, I know you’re just trying to fit in with the other libertarians, but we all know you’re just here because you’re a chronically sexually repressed bisexual armpit stank fetishist like the rest of us. And racism is a huge turn-off. Like, it’s one thing to pretend to agree with these nonsensical politics, and it’s another thing entirely to do something as despicable as racial stereotyping of dick size.”
Libertarian 1: “Come on, let’s get out of here, now that the cat’s out of the bag we should just ditch this joint and go somewhere nicer.”
Libertarian 4: “Yeah, let’s go.”
[Libertarians 1-4 get up and leave]
Libertarian 2, as the four of them leave through the front door: “Hey, anyone up for… Red Lobster, maybe? Just thinking out loud.”
Louie, left behind and disappoined: “—that the Indiana Derby has the biggest dicks of any race, but the dicks aren’t humans’? It was… It was a horse dick joke. A swing and a miss.”
[Louie sighs]
Louie: “It’s the KENTUCKY Derby that’s the famous one, Louie, why did you think it was Indiana‽ You must’ve been mixing it up with the Indy 500, but that’s a car race, you damn fool… Man, that was our one-way ticket to the Red Lobster bisexual pit stank fetish orgy of a lifetime and you just had to blow it! Goddamn!”
I’ve previously used “phallic astrology” or “phallomancy” as a jocular synonym of “AGAB” in reference to the Phall-O-Meter but I figured it also works in reference to small/medium/big peepee stereotypes
(Lucky Star music)
Libertarian 1: “—I’m just saying, with those spandex shorts they wear, there is simply not enough bulge in the Tour de France for my liking. No homo.”
Libertarian 2: “You know, that makes me wonder how many people have wanted to become bicyclists over the years, but just could not get over the embarrassment of showing a little bulge…”
Libertarian 3: “And that makes me wonder how many people became bicyclists specifically for the opportunity to show bulge!”
Libertarian 4: “You know, cycling is actually known for having a risk of damaging the pudendal nerve. Professional bicyclists know how to align the saddle to avoid this complication, but for inexperienced, amateur cyclists, it can actually cause some short-term erectile dysfunction or other urogenital problems!”
Libertarian 1: “Wow! That’s crazy!”
Libertarian 2: “Heh, maybe that’s the real thing that stops the bigger guys from going pro — they’ve got more to lose from an accident!”
Libertarian 3: “Yeah, and maybe for the bigger guys there’s a risk of the thing, y’know, sliding under or something.”
Libertarian 4: “Yeah, back when I used to frequent cycling forums, there were a lot of threads like that, of people talking about how they couldn’t find a good place to put their ‘stuff’ without it sliding somewhere painful.”
Libertarian 1: “Wow, really, you were into biking before?”
Libertarian 4: “Well, yeah, I tried to get into biking a few years ago, but…”
Libertarian 2: “…But what?”
[Libertarian 4 blushes, remaining silent]
Libertarian 3: “Man, don’t tell me you’re…” [places index fingertips together and then moves them apart 7±1 inches]
[Libertarian 4 softly nods]
[Libertarians 1-3 blush in turn, not wanting to objectify their friend for something that has clearly been a source of embarrassment and distress over the years, but also like wow damn bro uhhhhh wanna go to Red Lobster sometime orrrr]
[Music fades out; libertarians 1-3 look at each other, then at libertarian 4, none of them wanting to say or accuse each other of what they’re all thinking]
[This situation is getting way too awkward, someone needs to change the conversation]
(♫ la-la-la koppepan, la-la-la koppepan… ♫)
Libertarian 3: “So, how about car races, then? People always say that those who drive sports cars are ‘compensating’, but if driving fancy fast cars is your whole livelihood and life’s passion, would that rule still apply?”
Libertarian 1: “I’m gonna say… Nyeah, probably not. That level of confidence that they must have to get in such big, dangerous machines, going so fast, it’s not called BDE for nothing. Just sayin’.”
Libertarian 2: “Well, I think there’s probably a wide range of sizes represented at the Indy 500, because unlike with a bicycle saddle, I don’t think there’s anything about a car seat that would be comfier for some sizes than others, and I think that size bringing confidence is just a myth. I think the desire to drive race-cars doesn’t have anything to do with size, I think it’s equally represented across different sizes.”
Libertarian 4: “You know, a former roommate of mine liked rallying in his freetime, and he was disappo— I mean, uhh, yeah, I, uh, caught a peek of his ‘thing’ while we were… sh-showering… one time… and, and, uhh, it was, it was on the smaller end. Like. Micro.”
Libertarian 3: “So there’s at least one small one, then!”
Libertarian 2: “And God willing it’ll be at least two soon!”
Libertarian 3: “Really? Who’s the sec—?”
[Libertarian 2 points to self]
Libertarian 3: “Wow, really, you’re small?”
Libertarian 2: “Yeah, it’s always the ones you least expect, isn’t it?”
Libertarian 3: “Hey, small is justice, as they say. I myself prefe— uhm, I mean, I have no problem with smaller guys, p-platonically, I mean. Not sexually. Definitely not sexually. No homo.”
Libertarian 1: “Hey, I’m sorry that I was saying that stuff about BDE.”
Libertarian 3: “And I’m sorry for saying that thing about sports cars as compensation.”
Libertarian 2: “Hey, don’t worry. It is absolutely true that a lot of smaller guys struggle with self-image and confidence, and it’s important to stop ascribing personality traits to size like some sort of phallic astrology — but we can’t progress as a society without acknowledging how the stereotypes affect people now. As long as we understand that the stuff about BDE and sports car compensation is just jokes, right?”
Libertarian 4: “You know, just personally, I prefer mediums because I like bottoming, but I’m sure that if you’re small you can find other ways… to…”
[Libertarians 1-3 stare at libertarian 4]
[Libertarian 4 realizes that he said the quiet part out loud]
Libertarian 1: “Hey, can I… talk to you in private for a bit?”
Libertarian 2: “Yeah, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
Libertarian 3: “I’ve got a feeling I know what the both of you want to tell him, so I’m just gonna preemptively say ‘ditto’.”
(yet more Lucky Star music)
Louie: “Hey so what are you four talking about?”
Libertarian 3: “Uh, we were just talking about different races’ dick sizes, but we got a bit off track, no pun intended.”
Louie: “Different races’ dick sizes, huh? Well did you know that the Indi—”
Libertarians 1-4: “—shut up, Louie.”
Libertarian 3: “Louie, I know you’re just trying to fit in with the other libertarians, but we all know you’re just here because you’re a chronically sexually repressed bisexual armpit stank fetishist like the rest of us. And racism is a huge turn-off. Like, it’s one thing to pretend to agree with these nonsensical politics, and it’s another thing entirely to do something as despicable as racial stereotyping of dick size.”
Libertarian 1: “Come on, let’s get out of here, now that the cat’s out of the bag we should just ditch this joint and go somewhere nicer.”
Libertarian 4: “Yeah, let’s go.”
[Libertarians 1-4 get up and leave]
Libertarian 2, as the four of them leave through the front door: “Hey, anyone up for… Red Lobster, maybe? Just thinking out loud.”
Louie, left behind and disappoined: “—that the Indiana Derby has the biggest dicks of any race, but the dicks aren’t humans’? It was… It was a horse dick joke. A swing and a miss.”
[Louie sighs]
Louie: “It’s the KENTUCKY Derby that’s the famous one, Louie, why did you think it was Indiana‽ You must’ve been mixing it up with the Indy 500, but that’s a car race, you damn fool… Man, that was our one-way ticket to the Red Lobster bisexual pit stank fetish orgy of a lifetime and you just had to blow it! Goddamn!”
Fantastic work
this was hilarious, and I’m absolutely integrating “phallic astrology” into my vocabulary, god damn.
I’ve previously used “phallic astrology” or “phallomancy” as a jocular synonym of “AGAB” in reference to the Phall-O-Meter but I figured it also works in reference to small/medium/big peepee stereotypes
I found YouTube links in your comment. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Link 1:
Link 2: