This might sound pretentious or trippy. But it’s just a thing I haven’t found a proper answer for.
My paternal parts of the family are all dead, no aunts, uncles or cousins alive any longer. My maternal parts of the family suck, they seriously suck, no joke. I decided not to procreate (and had a “few discretions” regarding this) because I didn’t want to pass the shitty genes, behaviour or guilt onto another generation.
I have an ex, some relations ago. And I really loved his mother, as a mother. I was a train wreck at one time, and she saved me and took care of me. I don’t care that she isn’t my real mother. But this was several years ago.
What really hurts is that my siblings and cousins tell me that what I felt for her was fake, as she is not a blood relative. As I have helped her more than I would ever have helped anyone else. I love her, but is it true love to love someone as a mother if they aren’t your biological mother?
Spoken like someone who hasn’t grown up with tons of trauma that makes you question every little thing you feel because you honestly don’t know what’s normal or “good” or “right”. Bad people–especially abusive family–are VERY good at making you question natural inclinations, esp. if they are jealous that you might be finding something good that they haven’t managed to grasp.
I hope you understand–because I am telling you, right now–what sort of damage your comment can do to people who were not lucky enough to grow up with a solid, loving foundation at home.
I hope you understand how wrong you are, because I grew up in a family that gave me enough traumas for decades of years. Some didn’t heal to this day. You absolutely need to understand it, because your assumptious comment is enabling highly damaging, scornful and stress-inducing style of thinking and commenting, that has no place in online discourse.
I’m sorry, but no.
I THOUGHT loved people who were abusing me, until I saw what REAL love is. I thought I KNEW what love is. I THOUGHT love was, what I now know to be abuse.
It’s absolutely a valid question to ask, and your reply is literally gaslighting.
If you have no frame of reference for a healthy relationship, how do you KNOW it’s good, without asking?
It’s a valid question, but the answer is also valid and far from gaslighting. The process of questioning one’s love/feelings > IS < an indicator, that there’s something wrong, that it’s not entirely complete, perfect, proper state of affairs.
It applies to many things. If you question your job efficiency, you aren’t as efficient as you know you could’ve been. If you question your happiness, you’re not fully happy. If you question your love, or the love someone else should feel towards you… Well, there’s some imperfection in it too.
OP seemed very confident that they love the mother figure they’re talking about, they just wanted to know if that counted as loving them “as a mother”. I don’t think asking “what type of love does this count as” is an indicator that you don’t actually love someone. Or, at least, it’s not nearly as strong an indicator as having to ask “do I love them”.
I don’t think it’s uncommon at all to experience love and then have trouble figuring out what exactly caused that feeling—and having to do this questioning doesn’t necessarily imply that the love was imperfect or incomplete.
I don’t see it that way.
You don’t question what you feel is truth. And if you do it - enough that it warrants an online search - then it is a strong indicator, that there might, indeed, be some crack in the wall, so to speak.
Bear in mind that I acknowledge the vastness between “it’s x” and “it’s not x”. I simply point out that if one questions himself, then it’s “the vastness” territory already, rather than “it’s x”. How far it is into the “vastness”, is entirely different discussion.
I think that’s an unnecessarily high standard to hold love to before it starts to count as “true”. Though, at that point, we’re just arguing semantics. I agree that there’s many things love can be between “not love” and “true love”. I’m not sure we disagree on how much the love matters, just whether or not it counts as true.
I misinterpreted you saying “if the love can be questioned then it isn’t true” as meaning “if the love can be questioned then it is lesser, and OP is wrong to value their relationship with their ex’s mother so highly”. I see now that that’s not what you meant.
Thank you for responding, and have a good day!
No prob. It’s often hard to properly put one’s thoughts into words, especially if the language barrier stands in the way…