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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-25 04:00:04+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Alarming_Ad_4419
Originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC
WIBTA for losing empathy for my traumatized husband
Editorās Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, sexual coercion, exploitation, possible misogyny
WIBTA to leave my husband?: March 31, 2024
AITAH to leave my husband, then come home, and now want to leave again?
I (24F) and my Husband (28M) have been together for 4 years and I am starting to doubt the marriage. My husband and I have been married for 2 years in June. We have had a long history of fights and disrespect from both sides. Here is our most recent problemā¦
About 2 months ago my husband had come home from work and I had started complaining about I canāt work full time and take care of everything else. I work as a nurse, granted from home. I am also responsible for most of the chores. My husband is suppose to take the garbage out, clean dog poop, and brush dogs a few times a week. He does garbage a couple times a week and dog poop once a week at best. I take care of dinner, groceries, laundry, animals (6 of them), and am the primary caregiver to his daughter when she is with us (week on/week off). My husband has his own company, which we started together.
Anyways, I was complaining and he was tired of it and he kicked me out of our house. I was shocked as it didnāt even seem to esiclte like that. He called it his house. Days go by and I end up coming home. My husband stated we both needed therapy individually so we can heal from our past traumas, I agreed and have done therapy before. I made an appointment a few days later for myself.
About 6 days later we got in a fight because he was mad about my car being dirty. We had just had our two GSD in there and again I am the main transport for his 7 yo daughter as I take her to and from school. I thought it was ridiculous and we got into a fight where I was sobbing and he was reconsidering the relationship. I almost left that day too. 3-4 weeks after that, another fight about intimacy.
I have been struggling with libido and we agreed to 3x week, which I have been doing. He tried telling me I was not fulfilling this promise, though I was. I said its a waste of my f**ing time then. He was appalled I said this and hung up on me. He wanted to talk about it a few days later and I told him I feel like youāre mad and I am not in the right head space. He said too bad and proceeded to tell me I ruined sx for him and he can never have it again with me. I ended up taking accountability for what I said and apologize, he didnāt do the same until much later.
I then told him I was going to leave if he did not go to therapy. I had been going for at least a month at this point. Typically, I wouldnāt use an ultimatum but about a year ago he gave me one. I was in the worst mental space I had been in and granted I had been infair and snappy and mean to my husband. We got in a fight and he yelled at me while I was crying and said if I didnāt get help he would leave; I got help that day. Well, a month later and he had not gotten therapy and then said I was trying to play victim and manipulate him. So, I left. I came back after 3 days. He agreed to marriage counseling, I made the appointment. We have fought every day since I have been home. Things donāt feel right. Would I be the asshole if I leftā¦againā¦?
Relevant Comments
Any_Put3216: Nta. Pack everything itās important to you and that you want and leave. If you want the animals take the animals and take whatever you want. But again you leave. I have a feeling heās only using you to take care of his daughter? When you guys have most of your fights and heās kicked you out was she there or not
OOP: Thankfully she was not there when he kicked me out. She hasnāt been here for most of the fights.
OOP on why her husband had his demands for love
OOP: He said he needed it 3x a week to feel love. I agreed.
I thought the sex thing was suss too. Especially because he has trauma with cheating and is always accusing me of cheating. His insta explore page is full of half nude models. He said he clicked on something once and now itās on there.
Ā
WIBTA for losing empathy for my traumatized husband: May 21, 2024 (2 months later)
Hi Reddit,
My Husband (28 M) and I (24 F) have been together for 4 years. Since the start, he has been insecure about cheating. He was viciously cheated on in his previous relationship and blames it on that. I have never cheated on him nor has he ever found anything to even assume I was cheating. I use to be empathetic towards his insecurities as I have been cheated on too. However, for the past 2 years, I have been loosing said empathy.
After pulling my phone records and going through all my contacts last summer, he went to therapy for a month or two and his episodes of accusing me have decreased, but not stopped. I have been in therapy since January and he is the one who brought up going to individual therapy for both of us. However, he has yet to get back into therapy and he continues to accuse me of cheating. We are also in couples counseling, which hasnāt necessarily been overly helpful. He keeps saying that he has gotten better with accusations so I should just be more patient with his since he is my Husband.
Our last fight was a few nights ago. We were being intimate (which is a struggle too since I have low libido) and he said my breast tasted like wintergreen Copenhagen and then he found/tasted a piece on me and accused me of cheating. This obviously ruined our intimacy and he kept asking for an explanation. I told him I did not have one besides I was hiking in the forest earlier that day and maybe had a pine needle on me. He didnāt accept this answer and went to bed upset. However, he didnāt bring it back up.
When we discussed this in couples therapy, I acknowledge that he didnāt escalate this fight and didnāt bring it back up, which was an improvement form his past episodes. He still accused me in therapy and said I couldāve been with another man in the forest. Our therapist pointed out that this was kinda silly and suggested that if I was cheating, I probably wouldāve showered. My husband said true, but said he has learned not to trust people.
I am so tired of being accused. It hurts so bad and he doesnāt acknowledge the pain it causes. He also doesnāt get help for the issues and has excuses as to why he hasnāt done therapy yet. He is upset at me because I told him I no longer have empathy for him and this issue. AITAH?
Ā
Update #1: June 14, 2024 (3 weeks later)
UPDATE:
Hi Reddit, thank you all for you advice and responses. I greatly appreciate and read each one. Well, here is an update.
A few nights ago he had asked where I had gone, I was confused as I had not gone anywhere. He proceeds to say my car was backed in the driveway (I donāt back in unless I have groceries) and now is pulled in. I said I didnāt go anywhere, he thought my answers were weird and I was acting weird. But, he left it alone.
Later that night I am initiating hand holding and cuddling, it is late and I say I am going to bed and I love you. He hesitated to give me goodnight kisses but he did it anyways. A few moments later, he goes to take a showerā¦at 10pm at night, which he hasnāt done beforeā¦I assume he is taking care of business himself. During this time I say a prayer and say āthis feels weird, give me a sign if this is weirdāā¦When he got out of the shower, he gets back in bed and then taps me. He proceeds to say he is done and I am crushing his soul (because he says I donāt initiate sex and am disrespectful) and says I am selfish. In couples therapy last week, he says he only needs sex like once a month and will take other stuff as supplemental essentially. Last week (after I uncovered I was molested in therapy) I had sex with him and gave him a handjob. He says since Iāve come home, I havenāt tried at all to give him what he needs. I am trying my hardest :/
Letās not forget I take care of him, his kid, the animals, the houseā¦Literally everything. He wants a gold star because he has helped me with dishes more and has helped more with transporting his child to/from school and now summer camp.
During couples counseling today, he said the same things and then said I was using my newly found trauma as an excuse to not have sex. He also raised his voice at the therapist and said the therapist was being biased towards me and not holding me accountable.
We kept going around in circles after therapy and I finally said I am done. I canāt do it anymore.
I am currently packing and crying a lot, I move into my apartment on Monday.
Guys, I am crushed. I am so sad. I am so confused. God speed.
Thank you everyone.
Relevant Comments
Eldritch-banana-3102: NTA. Enough is enough. I know we want to support our loved ones, but this sounds exhausting.
OOP: It is, I am exhausted.
ā¦
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1Ā·3 days ago