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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-25 04:02:03+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Beneficial-Aerue-492
Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest
Iāve decided not to attend my fathers wedding despite him saying me and my daughters attendance is non negotiable.
Trigger Warnings: |manipulation, mentions of mental health issues, controlling behavior, mentions of teen pregnancy
Original Post: March 8, 2024
My (25f) father (45m) and my mother (40f) got divorced around 2 years ago. To me, it wasnāt a surprise at all. I had seen it coming since I was 10yrs old. However to my father and my brother (17m) it was a total and devastating shock. My brother, who already had a myriad of other mental health and school issues, didnāt take it well. And my father was blindsided. Now, two years later him and my mother are both in new relationships.
My father met a woman (weāll call her Amy) on a dating website months after the separation with my mother. She had no children of her own and her husband had died, Iām unsure of how long ago.
At first they seemed like a good fit. She was a bit odd, but honestly everyone in my family is so I didnāt think much of it. At first she was polite and seemed interested in getting to know my brother, I, and my daughter (4f). But overtime things became a bit off.
Due to medical issues she had to move in with my father and brother so they were able to help her out and it quickly became clear that she did not care about my brother. She was rude, inconsiderate, demeaned him, and did her best to play him down as a priority to my father. I.e she was to be my fathers main priority. Itās her way or no way. Anything she did to my brother that my brother then relayed to our father she denied and accused my brother of being a liar. She has also overtaken and trashed the family home, leaving my brother to either live with the mess or have to clean it himself. Due to this Iāve never liked her, but have always played civil for my dads sake while being honest about how I felt with my brother.
Now Amy and my father are getting married next week. I do not drive (my own fault) and have apologized to my father frequently for being a burden. As he is adamant me and my daughter be there and has tried to find someone to drive us. Supposedly my aunt had been assigned this task. However, two days ago, my husband received a call from my aunts husband, expressing that he believed it was unsafe for my daughter to attend (the wedding is on a bridge.) I found this odd as him and my aunt are still bringing all four of their children (ages 4-12) and especially because he told my husband not to tell me he called. But I didnāt think much of it as I had faith in my aunts husband to be someone of good faith. That has all been blown out of the water.
My brother has texted me multiple times late at night to tell me heās been listening in on Amy and my fatherās arguments. Amy is nearly adamant on my daughter not attending and is saying all these issues are my fault for not driving. I knew this would cause issues which is why I had repeatedly apologized to my father for being a burden. My brother then told me my aunt was throwing a fit and angry about being assigned to drive my daughter and I. That she didnāt want to bring my daughter either and instead wanted to bring another family member weāll call Sarah. Sarah is older and lives alone. Sarah spends tons of money on my aunt and my aunt knows this, mooching off her as much as she can. Sarah had offered to pay for a hotel room for my aunt and her family (the wedding is an hour from where we all live.) It is 100% my aunts business on who she wants to drive, I wonāt sleight her for that. But the fact she had her husband call mine in an odd attempt to convince me not to bring my daughter just rubbed me the wrong way. My aunt then texted me this morning saying she wonāt drive my daughter and I said thatās fine and told her not to worry about it, Iād figure it out myself. She was clearly mad and told me I better text my dad and my grandparents as everyone was all worked up by the situation.
My husband and my mother are now telling me I just shouldnāt go, and I agree with them. At this point it feels like Iām a burden and that if my daughter and I do attend it will just be awkward as thereās a whole group now working against my daughter attending when they know my father said her attendance is non negotiable. As my daughters mother everyones adamance on her not being there really bothers me. That on top of how my brother has been treated throughout all of this and his own feelings he has expressed to me this whole wedding feels like a terrible idea. On top of all this I am currently 32w pregnant with my second daughter, and the constant back and forth fighting and clear ulterior motives has had me worked up for days at this point.
I love my dad, I want to support him and I want him to be happy. I donāt think Amy will give him that. And I canāt in good faith support this especially when Iāve expressed my brothers happiness is my main priority and he is FAR from happy. My brother has also said if me and my daughter do not attend he will not be attending either.
I feel terrible, and am sitting here drafting a text to tell him I wonāt be coming, but a small part of me feels as if Iām in the wrong and I canāt shake it.
Edit: to add because a lot of people keep mentioning it. The man I call my father is my step father. My bio dad has never been in my life and my step dad raised me. So Iāve always called him dad. I didnāt know my step dad wasnāt my real dad till I was 9. So no, my step dad did not get my 15 year old mother pregnant when he was 20. My mom had me at 16 with my bio father who was also 16/17 at the time.
Edit 2: Yes my husband knows how to drive. However the wedding falls on a day he just canāt call out of work. As well, he was not particularly eager about the wedding from the moment they announced it. Husband and my father have terrible history and he doesnāt like Amy at all for how sheās behaved since they got together.
Relevant Comments
Fire_or_water_kai: Donāt go.
The way all these people are behaving is atrocious, and I wouldnāt subject myself to it. But, since they want the drama, give it to them in the form of telling your dad that youāre sorry you wonāt attend because of his wife, aunt, and everyone who has tried to single out your child. Also, being heavily pregnant means youāre not up to a lot anyways.
On a side note, why canāt your husband drive you around? Doesnāt change my answer, because honestly, your dad canāt tell you that you must attend something. Itās not court, but just a curiosity.
OOP: My husband recently got promoted to manager of the shop he works for as the owner is gone in another country for a few months. The day the wedding falls on is just not a day he can miss work. As well my husband and father have a terrible relationship. I got kicked out at 18 by my mom and when they couldnāt figure out where I was my father threatened to kill my husband (bf at the time.) we also had a rough patch where I almost moved back home but my father said my husband was not allowed to see our daughter. So he wasnāt very eager to attend the wedding either.
aquarius_oracle: I just have to ask? Is your husband a different ethnicity? Is your daughter mixed? Just wondering if thatās the reason Amy is adamant your daughter not attend. Iāve seen previous stories where someone didnāt want their child to attend weddings because they were mixed or because they had a disability. I hope thatās not the case, but if it is, Iād go NC.
OOP: Nope. We are both white in an all white family. My parents had a vendetta against my husband since we met at 15. Everyone loves my daughter (or so they say) which is what makes this situation all the more strange. From what I gathered from my brother Amy considers my daughter too much of a hassle for the wedding. Sheās 1 of 8 kids between the ages of 4 & 12 that would be attending.
OOP on her parentsā ages when she was born
OOP: My mother had me at 16 and my biological father was also 16. The man I call my dad in this post is actually my step dad. I had no clue until I was 9yrs old (they married when I was 3) and heās the one who raised me. I have 0 relationship with bio father so to me my step dad is my dad.
OOP on why she has not gotten her license and if her husband drives as well
OOP: Thereās 100% no excuse for me not having my license yet and thereās no way around it I know that. Initially I was in the process of getting my license last summer but ended up pregnant and had the same issues I had with my first child were Iām constantly dizzy and nearly/have passed out. Due to that my husband told me to put it off until after the baby is born. Iām not using that as an excuse simply an explanation. After the baby is born thatās top priority.
As for my husband he does drive. Due to the day and work obligations he can not attend the wedding. He works from 10-9:30, wedding is at 5 and is an hour away. (Iāll also add I do not think it is anyone elseās job to get me to this wedding. I was clear with my dad frā¦
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As for my husband he does drive. Due to the day and work obligations he can not attend the wedding. He works from 10-9:30, wedding is at 5 and is an hour away. (Iāll also add I do not think it is anyone elseās job to get me to this wedding. I was clear with my dad from the jump but he was insistent he wanted to find a way for me to get there.) Iām top of that my husband and my father despise each other. My husband has thought the wedding was a bad idea from the moment they told us about it.
Thatās where this whole issue has stemmed from. He kept insisting heād figure out. Iām finding out a week before hand he canāt. Which is fine, I just wish he had been open with me from the start. Wouldāve given me time to figure it out myself instead of believing my dad when he said he had it handled. In the end my brother and I have decided it is best we just donāt attend.
OOP on if her brother is in therapy and has a safe place to live away from their father and Amy
OOP: Me too. I worry about him constantly and he knows if it ever gets to a breaking point he can come stay with husband and I. For whatever reason he is just iffy about leaving the house. He was very emotional and sentimental growing up. I got kicked out at 18 and then everything that happened with our parents has really effected him. I think heās having trouble processing our family isnāt what it once was and itās extremely hard on him.
He was in therapy for a while and a couple years back had to have a stay in the mental hospital. However the mental hospital I believe completely traumatized him. From what Iāve gathered from our mom he knows he needs to be in therapy but someone needs to be there pushing him to go or he wonāt. My dad basically doesnāt care what he does at this point and wouldnāt stay on him about going to therapy sadly. He used to be on meds as well I believe but if heās not in therapy I doubt heās on his meds anymore.
Heās had it so rough that past few years. He was 11 when I got kicked out and it was DEVASTATING to him. It didnāt help my parents limited how much I could contact him.
After that things just continued to fall apart. Iām filled with constant regret for not being at home to support him better. Iām glad he at least knows that he can contact me anytime he needs to though and Iām always there to listen and be on his side.
OOP on if her husband was invited to the wedding for her father and Amy. Explains the meat between her husband and her father
OOP: He is. The wedding falls on a day he canāt miss work and him and my father hate each other. Father threatened to kill him in the past and when we had a rough patch I was going to move home for a while until my mother and father said my husband would not be allowed to see our daughter. Theyāve had plenty of other issues over the past 9 years but those are the two my husband references the most when asked why he doesnāt want to be around my dad.
Update: Iāve decided not to attend my fathers wedding even though he said me and my daughters attendance is non negotiable. June 18, 2024
Itās been a few months, but even recently Iāve gotten comments for an update on the situation. There isnāt too much to update on but I figured I would for those curious.
In the end neither me or my brother ended up attending the wedding. He went to his girlfriends the day of and then stayed home alone the rest of the weekend. I had invited him to stay at my house but in the end he declined.
I sent my dad a text beforehand that I was sorry and wanted him to be happy but if I was backing anyone it would be my brother. He proceeded to send me a very long paragraph about how he couldnāt believe what was happening and he really stepped up to be my dad even though I wasnāt his kid. How he stepped up for my brother after my mom left when I know well and good he didnāt. And that Amy was the right woman for him despite everything. I was too stunned about his comments about him stepping up to be my dad that I kinda glazed over the rest and in the end never replied.
As for me and my dad we have not spoken since other then me awkwardly texting him happy birthday. I havenāt seen them or spoken to them. I havenāt spoken to any of his family since then either. Iāve seen my brother a few times but he doesnāt seem eager to talk to me or see me either and Iām unsure why.
Iāve since had my second daughter. Everything went smoothly and she is perfectly healthy. Neither my dad or his family has even texted me since, even though I know they know I had her.
At the end of the day Iām ultimately unphased. However I canāt deny itās upsetting to lose contact with so much family over something so trivial. I wonāt be reaching out first to any of them, and knowing how they are they wonāt reach out to me either. So I guess thatās that.
Iām hoping can try and better connect with my brother. As he means a lot to me and I worry about him still living at home with our dad and his new wife. But when I do see him I ask him how home life is and he kinda just shrugs me off.
Thank you to everyone who gave advice on my original post and to all those who were curious about how it all ended.
Relevant Comments
OOP on if she didnāt go to the wedding to support her brother who was invited to their fatherās wedding. And what about her husband?
OOP: My husband was working and has a long history of animosity between him and my dad.
Yes. My aunt wanted to give a relative a ride which was fine. Had she just told me that Iād have been like okay cool all good. Her and her husband instead played games to try and trick me into not bringing my daughter.
My dads current wife has issues with my brother. Treated him terrible. I didnāt want to support their marriage if my brother was gonna continue to be treated terrible.
I know for sure my brother didnāt go. I think the current issue with him is related to something else.
My aunt texted me two days before the wedding after her and her husband played mind games for a week. By then I had been fed excuse after excuse as well as dealing with so much bs I didnāt want to go anymore anyways.
My dad did not tell me in advance our relationship would be over. The nonnegotiable in question was told to our family, only for it to not matter in the end.
I want to know where you get the idea Iām surprised? I said thatās that. Thatās the end of it. This side of the family has a long history of drama and no contact phases over many different disputes with different people. So it isnāt a surprise at all.
I simply came to give an update I was asked for by multiple people.
I couldnāt care less at this point if they talked to me or not. But it can still suck to lose a connection with family I was once very close with.
OOP on her relationship with her dad
OOP: I didnāt bring up how he wasnāt my bio dad as Iāve told him many times in the past to me heās my dad cause my bio dad is a pos and I saw him as my dad since I was 2yrs old. Which was why it was weird. It seems like he was throwing taking care of me and my brother in our faces.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs ā BoRU Rule #7 THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP