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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-25 04:02:03+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Beneficial-Aerue-492

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I’ve decided not to attend my fathers wedding despite him saying me and my daughters attendance is non negotiable.

Trigger Warnings: |manipulation, mentions of mental health issues, controlling behavior, mentions of teen pregnancy

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Original Post: March 8, 2024

My (25f) father (45m) and my mother (40f) got divorced around 2 years ago. To me, it wasn’t a surprise at all. I had seen it coming since I was 10yrs old. However to my father and my brother (17m) it was a total and devastating shock. My brother, who already had a myriad of other mental health and school issues, didn’t take it well. And my father was blindsided. Now, two years later him and my mother are both in new relationships.

My father met a woman (we’ll call her Amy) on a dating website months after the separation with my mother. She had no children of her own and her husband had died, I’m unsure of how long ago.

At first they seemed like a good fit. She was a bit odd, but honestly everyone in my family is so I didn’t think much of it. At first she was polite and seemed interested in getting to know my brother, I, and my daughter (4f). But overtime things became a bit off.

Due to medical issues she had to move in with my father and brother so they were able to help her out and it quickly became clear that she did not care about my brother. She was rude, inconsiderate, demeaned him, and did her best to play him down as a priority to my father. I.e she was to be my fathers main priority. It’s her way or no way. Anything she did to my brother that my brother then relayed to our father she denied and accused my brother of being a liar. She has also overtaken and trashed the family home, leaving my brother to either live with the mess or have to clean it himself. Due to this I’ve never liked her, but have always played civil for my dads sake while being honest about how I felt with my brother.

Now Amy and my father are getting married next week. I do not drive (my own fault) and have apologized to my father frequently for being a burden. As he is adamant me and my daughter be there and has tried to find someone to drive us. Supposedly my aunt had been assigned this task. However, two days ago, my husband received a call from my aunts husband, expressing that he believed it was unsafe for my daughter to attend (the wedding is on a bridge.) I found this odd as him and my aunt are still bringing all four of their children (ages 4-12) and especially because he told my husband not to tell me he called. But I didn’t think much of it as I had faith in my aunts husband to be someone of good faith. That has all been blown out of the water.

My brother has texted me multiple times late at night to tell me he’s been listening in on Amy and my father’s arguments. Amy is nearly adamant on my daughter not attending and is saying all these issues are my fault for not driving. I knew this would cause issues which is why I had repeatedly apologized to my father for being a burden. My brother then told me my aunt was throwing a fit and angry about being assigned to drive my daughter and I. That she didn’t want to bring my daughter either and instead wanted to bring another family member we’ll call Sarah. Sarah is older and lives alone. Sarah spends tons of money on my aunt and my aunt knows this, mooching off her as much as she can. Sarah had offered to pay for a hotel room for my aunt and her family (the wedding is an hour from where we all live.) It is 100% my aunts business on who she wants to drive, I won’t sleight her for that. But the fact she had her husband call mine in an odd attempt to convince me not to bring my daughter just rubbed me the wrong way. My aunt then texted me this morning saying she won’t drive my daughter and I said that’s fine and told her not to worry about it, I’d figure it out myself. She was clearly mad and told me I better text my dad and my grandparents as everyone was all worked up by the situation.

My husband and my mother are now telling me I just shouldn’t go, and I agree with them. At this point it feels like I’m a burden and that if my daughter and I do attend it will just be awkward as there’s a whole group now working against my daughter attending when they know my father said her attendance is non negotiable. As my daughters mother everyones adamance on her not being there really bothers me. That on top of how my brother has been treated throughout all of this and his own feelings he has expressed to me this whole wedding feels like a terrible idea. On top of all this I am currently 32w pregnant with my second daughter, and the constant back and forth fighting and clear ulterior motives has had me worked up for days at this point.

I love my dad, I want to support him and I want him to be happy. I don’t think Amy will give him that. And I can’t in good faith support this especially when I’ve expressed my brothers happiness is my main priority and he is FAR from happy. My brother has also said if me and my daughter do not attend he will not be attending either.

I feel terrible, and am sitting here drafting a text to tell him I won’t be coming, but a small part of me feels as if I’m in the wrong and I can’t shake it.

Edit: to add because a lot of people keep mentioning it. The man I call my father is my step father. My bio dad has never been in my life and my step dad raised me. So I’ve always called him dad. I didn’t know my step dad wasn’t my real dad till I was 9. So no, my step dad did not get my 15 year old mother pregnant when he was 20. My mom had me at 16 with my bio father who was also 16/17 at the time.

Edit 2: Yes my husband knows how to drive. However the wedding falls on a day he just can’t call out of work. As well, he was not particularly eager about the wedding from the moment they announced it. Husband and my father have terrible history and he doesn’t like Amy at all for how she’s behaved since they got together.

Relevant Comments

Fire_or_water_kai: Don’t go.

The way all these people are behaving is atrocious, and I wouldn’t subject myself to it. But, since they want the drama, give it to them in the form of telling your dad that you’re sorry you won’t attend because of his wife, aunt, and everyone who has tried to single out your child. Also, being heavily pregnant means you’re not up to a lot anyways.

On a side note, why can’t your husband drive you around? Doesn’t change my answer, because honestly, your dad can’t tell you that you must attend something. It’s not court, but just a curiosity.

OOP: My husband recently got promoted to manager of the shop he works for as the owner is gone in another country for a few months. The day the wedding falls on is just not a day he can miss work. As well my husband and father have a terrible relationship. I got kicked out at 18 by my mom and when they couldn’t figure out where I was my father threatened to kill my husband (bf at the time.) we also had a rough patch where I almost moved back home but my father said my husband was not allowed to see our daughter. So he wasn’t very eager to attend the wedding either.

aquarius_oracle: I just have to ask? Is your husband a different ethnicity? Is your daughter mixed? Just wondering if that’s the reason Amy is adamant your daughter not attend. I’ve seen previous stories where someone didn’t want their child to attend weddings because they were mixed or because they had a disability. I hope that’s not the case, but if it is, I’d go NC.

OOP: Nope. We are both white in an all white family. My parents had a vendetta against my husband since we met at 15. Everyone loves my daughter (or so they say) which is what makes this situation all the more strange. From what I gathered from my brother Amy considers my daughter too much of a hassle for the wedding. She’s 1 of 8 kids between the ages of 4 & 12 that would be attending.

OOP on her parents’ ages when she was born

OOP: My mother had me at 16 and my biological father was also 16. The man I call my dad in this post is actually my step dad. I had no clue until I was 9yrs old (they married when I was 3) and he’s the one who raised me. I have 0 relationship with bio father so to me my step dad is my dad.

OOP on why she has not gotten her license and if her husband drives as well

OOP: There’s 100% no excuse for me not having my license yet and there’s no way around it I know that. Initially I was in the process of getting my license last summer but ended up pregnant and had the same issues I had with my first child were I’m constantly dizzy and nearly/have passed out. Due to that my husband told me to put it off until after the baby is born. I’m not using that as an excuse simply an explanation. After the baby is born that’s top priority.

As for my husband he does drive. Due to the day and work obligations he can not attend the wedding. He works from 10-9:30, wedding is at 5 and is an hour away. (I’ll also add I do not think it is anyone else’s job to get me to this wedding. I was clear with my dad fr…

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