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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-06-29 12:35:39+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Electrical_Tour3016
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for getting mad at my wife for having a secret abortion after I told her I didnāt want kids?
Editorās Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy, abortion, manipulation
Original Post: June 18, 2024
I have been happily married to my wife, Clara for around 3 years now. I love this woman to pieces. I donāt want to get sentimental but she truly is my other half and I cannot see myself with another woman, even now.
Before we got married, I made my stance on children clear. I didnāt want any. She agreed in the moment and I thought that was that. About a year and a half into our marriage, she brings up the question of children again. She asks me if want kids, I say no, I donāt. She hums and we go back to doing what we before. It wasnāt a conversation so much as it was an odd question this time around but I didnāt think anything of it. We had a very robust sex life but always took the necessary precautions. She has the implant and I use a condom around 90% of the time, so I wasnāt worried.
Her bookshelf recently broke, so I ordered a new one. I had wanted to build it as a surprise and put her books up on it for when she came home. While going through them, I noticed an old journal of hers. I immediately smiled and flipped through it. When we were in college, sheād carry it around. It was a future planning notebook or sorts. If she wanted something in life, sheād draw out exactly what she envisioned, add clip ins, the whole nine yards. Manifestation, if you will. She had shown me it in college after declaring that she wanted to pursue her doctorate, and I remember being stunned at the attention to detail. I mean, we were only sophomores and she knew exactly what she wanted to do, what she wanted to study, and where she would take herself. It made me feel out of depth. I liked it.
Anyway, I flipped through the journal, reminiscing about the past. I hadnāt expected there to be any new entries, at least, not anything recent that I hadnāt experienced with her. But as I opened it up, I saw something I never thought Iād see. It was a section dedicated to pregnancy and baby prep. She had researched prenatal vitamins, obgyns in our area, had images of cradles, etc. It was only two pages, but I remember being feeling so sick. In my head, there was only one reason sheād put that in a journal like this. She wanted kids.
Naturally, I was torn up. I kept telling myself I had been up front about what I wanted, and if she hadnāt, that was her fault. But the thought that sheād secretly been suffering because of me, that she was holding herself back from the life she wanted to please me- I couldnāt stand it. I confronted her about it as soon as we came home and I found out the situation was a lot worse than I thought.
Clara did indeed want kids, but claimed she wanted our relationship more and was okay with compromise. I asked her a million times if she was sure. I really wanted her to be honest and not feel like she had to hold anything back. She insisted that not having children wasnāt a deal breaker for her, but I kept pushing. I couldnāt understand why sheād put something that wasnāt that important to her in that journal. In the midst of our conversation, she dropped the bomb.
She told me she had an abortion a year and a half ago. Offered up the information like I should have been relieved. Like it was the proof she needed to convince me that she meant what she has said about children not being a deal breaker.
I canāt describe what I felt in that moment. What Iām still feeling. What I can say is that I have never blown up at my wife the way I did that night. I didnāt put my hands on her, I would never put my hands on her, but it was not a pretty exchange. I just remember feeling hurt that she hadnāt consulted me on such an important decision. That she went and had such a life altering procedure without discussing it with me. That I didnāt even fucking notice that it happened. I mean, those things have side effects, right? She would have been bedridden for days afterwards, in physical and emotional pain. How could I not have seen the signs? Iām still beating myself up about it. I remember her asking me if I want kids, but nothing about her emotional state for the rest of that week when she would have had the procedure done. How much can I really claim to care about her?
I donāt want children, I still donāt. But Iād rather chew my left arm off than make her have an abortion, even moreso now after sheās told me she isnāt really against having kids the way I am. Iād happily raise a kid if it meant she didnāt need to go through something so drastic.
Iāve been staying with my sister for the last week and a half. I needed space to think, so I left. I want to see her, to ask if sheās okay, but I donāt know what to do or say. Iām still unbelievably angry at her and at myself. I donāt want to yell at her again. I think the first time around scared her pretty badly and I donāt want to repeat that. My sister thinks Iām being petty, punishing my wife for something I would have agreed with regardless. But I wouldnāt have fucking agreed. I donāt know. AITAH?
Relevant Comments
OOP on not considering of prioritizing his wifeās preferences when she is prioritizing his decisions
OOP: To clarify, I never once said this. If thatās how my post came across, let me clear it up. If she came to me as asked to start trying for a kid, in other words, to go off birth control and stop using condoms, my answer would be no. Iāve always been firm in that. Sheās never pushed the issue but no amount of begging would entice me to plan to have a child. Having an unplanned child, on the other hand, wasnāt something we discussed. Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 but that doesnāt help much here.
Ā
Update: June 19, 2024
I woke up to lots amount of comments and outright hate so I thought Iād clear a few things up:
A lot of you were concerned about me āsnoopingā in Claraās journal. I met this woman when I was 6 years old, we had experienced over half of what she had written down in that notebook together. Sheās been letting me read her entries routinely since college, though I would read them more often back then. Like I said, I found her decisiveness incredibly attractive. But college was 6-7 years ago and times change. Iām not sure if she has other journals, but her use of this specific one died down as we got older, and so did my readership.
I felt no qualms about picking it up and reading it that day because I quite frankly never have. This was not the first time I read that journal without her present as Iāve been given express permission to do so. It was meant to be a quick trip down memory lane, I had no idea she had added more things, let alone pregnancy planning. She keeps all her old journals, sketchbooks, etc, in the same area and this book was in that pile.
āYou should have gotten a vasectomyā Iām not discussing my reasons for not wanting kids here, but I did discuss them thoroughly with Clara before we got married. Our reasons for not wanting children were very similar based on that initial conversation but I guess hers wavered as time went on. How that turned me into an evil dictator that refused to hear her opinions out, Iāll never understand, but I guess thatās reddit for you. I didnāt get a vasectomy because I am not sure that I wonāt want kids 10-15 years down the line. I am positive I donāt want them at the current moment, but Iām 27. Opinions and circumstances change.
Regardless of its reversibility, itās marketed as a permanent surgery. Vasectomies are covered by my health insurance, but reversals are not. It simply made no sense to invest in something I wasnāt sure could be undone if I didnāt want it anymore, not when Clara and I were taking the necessary precautions to avoid pregnancy otherwise. She got on birth control way before we started having sex, I had absolutely nothing to do with that decision. As far as I know, sheās quite happy with it.
The chances of pregnancy with the implant are less than 1%, even less when using condoms as well. We talked about the decision together and ultimately decided a vasectomy wasnāt the right choice. Someone actually went as far as to say that because I didnāt get my vas deferens cinched, an unexpected pregnancy was inevitable. A 0.5% chance and inevitable are two vastly different things. You guys do realize that vasectomies arenāt 100% effective either, right? Unless youāre pushing for abstinence, I really donāt want to hear it. We also donāt go raw unless we both agree to it, which I would never pressure her to do.
āYou verbally abused her!ā Clara and I both grew up in shitty homes. Our parents yelled and were extremely combative. After growing up in that environment, we agreed to avoid that kind of behavior in our relationship and we do our best to keep to that. I have never raised my voice at her before this argumentā¦
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1Ā·4 months ago