Alt text: a screenshot of a microblog post with the text “you walking down an alleyway with a gram of weed in your pocket, who would you rather catch you?” Below are two pictures side by side. One of Kamala Harris and the other of Batman.

  • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
    19·
    5 months ago

    Batman.

    I would just casually mention how his dead parents are dead and then steal his utility belt as he cries on the floor.

    Also one of the tools in the belt has got to be an unlimited corporate credit card - just to flex on the guy I would lower the crime rate in Gotham by using the card to buy things for the homeless, pay for education & medical bills for everyone in Gotham, etc.

    • mosiacmango@lemm.ee
      9·
      5 months ago

      Batman does that already. Hes runs the largest charity on earth:

      The Wayne Foundation is the holding company for the Thomas Wayne Foundation and the Martha Wayne Foundation; it is the largest transparently operated private foundation within the DC Universe. The primary aims of the foundation are, globally, the arts and humanities: to enhance healthcare and reduce extreme poverty, to expand educational opportunities and access to information technology, and to fund scientific research and help altruistic people with research by providing facilities and training.

      The foundation has its own building, called the Wayne Foundation Building, which includes a penthouse where Bruce Wayne lived for a period of time. It also has a secret elevator that leads to a matching Batcave in a secret sub-basement under the building.

      Through the Wayne Foundation and the affiliated organizations underneath, Bruce Wayne addresses social-economic problems encouraging crime, assists victims of crimes, and maintains connections to the streets through the soup kitchens and social services groups; all of which augments his crime fighting efforts in a way that his Batman persona cannot. This arrangement also provides a large network of connections in the world of charities. He finds out about the newest trends, sciences and the arts.

      Thomas Wayne Foundation

      The Thomas Wayne Foundation is a foundation for medicine and medical help. This foundation gives annual awards for medical breakthroughs and lifelong commitment, similar to the Nobel Foundation. The Thomas Wayne Foundation is also responsible for funding the Thomas Wayne Memorial Clinic in Park Row, Gotham’s infamous Crime Alley. The foundation funds and runs dozens of clinics in Gotham. Bruce Wayne’s surrogate mother, Dr. Leslie Thompkins, runs the Memorial Clinic in Crime Alley and governed the other clinics until she left Gotham.

      Martha Wayne Foundation

      The Martha Wayne Foundation is a patron and supporter of arts, families, education, and tolerance. The foundation supports and helps to run a number of orphanages and free schools, and provides teachers for those who have learning difficulties. Artists can apply for grants from the foundation to help support them in furthering the arts. The foundation sponsors companies like Family Finders. Family Finders is an organization directed at finding lost people and uniting families. The Martha Wayne Foundation also sponsors and runs dozens of soup kitchens within the city.

      • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
        6·
        5 months ago

        Yes, I knew this reply was inevitable, but I was mostly making a joke.

        Mostly, bcs sure various authors added (contemporary) bits and pieces about how Billionaireman helps too, but that also doesn’t fit in with what Gotham is. Can’t have both. Or just have him be middle class with still money for toys.

        What Im saying for example is he could easily buy whole neighbourhoods & rent them for free, this is something with permanent effect that would start a movement. Adding schools, stores, one of his banks, etc would make the henchman market pretty tight. Actually there are a lot of comedic opportunities in that narrative.

        Anyway, for my headcanon I kinda decided that all regular violent crime in Gotham is just the immediate doing of some masked and themed villain. So there arent any (constant) street muggings etc. So Batcostumeman doesn’t ‘patrol the streets’ bcs there isn’t such crime to patrol for.

        • mosiacmango@lemm.ee
          6·
          5 months ago

          There is an in canon reason Gotham is terrible: its cursed. It doesn’t matter what anyone does, Gotham will always be Gotham.

          Its lame as shit, but the writers clearly don’t want to try to resolve their setting, so they hand waved it all away.

          Batman literally cannot, in any sense, “fix” Gotham, with any effort or amount of money.

            • qarbone@lemmy.worldEnglish
              3·
              5 months ago

              Can’t. Curse stole all your money. And killed you dad, dog, and three Marthas.

              Oh and you’re a rabid shrew-person now. 'Cuzza curse.

              • Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee
                2·
                5 months ago

                So Batman could help people by building a new city a few hamburger stadiums away & arrange for free transport there?

                Then only owls & masked weirdos would remain.
                Or some of them might get minimum wage jobs in the new BatWay city.

      • DragonTypeWyvern
        5·
        5 months ago

        He’s fucking bad at it, but that’s the problem with comic universes with alien technology and super genuises running around, poverty should be eliminated but that just leaves all the mortal superheroes with nothing to do.

        I actually quite like the Patterson Batman’s take on the Wayne Family philanthropy. Yes, they gave billions to charity, but lost most of it to corruption when his parents were killed and it was in trust…

        Or was that his father’s real goal all along?