I honestly feel bad posting here again, I feel like a burden. It’s just me struggling… so feel free to skip this post and look at more interesting things
the past two months have been much tougher for me than usual, and when I am not doing well, my capacity to interact with other people is pretty close to zero. I feel a very strong desire to be alone. Having other people notice that I am not well is pretty much the worst thing - I can’t talk about what’s wrong, and every time I tried my best expressing myself it didn’t help. All I really get is advice that does not work for me. So I usually try to pretend I am okay, but at a certain point I can’t even really do that anymore.
problem is I’m not living alone. I’ve skipped quite a number of meals in the past week because I don’t want to get into conversations that I don’t want to have. I feel like it would be disastrous unmasked, that’s why I go this far just to avoid interaction. both of my roommates judge me for spending so much time in my room and I think they tell me to get out every time they see me. I never know how to react to that. Being open about my mental health isn’t a good idea - it will end up in them giving me advice that might work for neurotypical, and then they’d blame me if I don’t follow their advice. They already kind of do that. I’ve told one of them about my diagnosis but I don’t really think that has no meaning for him.
I feel pathetic skipping dinner anything because I want to avoid social interactions. But in all honesty, I still think it is not worth the stress.
I knew someone that did something similar for the same reason, though it was conversations about his future with his mom that he was trying to avoid.
Something that helped with him is to go outside, NOT to interact with people, but just to go on hikes or walk, where you can keep your headphones in and not say a word to someone else, but just to get outside your room, which even though it’s a refuge, can also start to feel like a prison.
Honestly you interact with people much more indoors than outdoors, so viewing a walk as a form of peaceful solitude can be great for getting fresh air and exercise, and you’ll notice you get much less judgement from your roommates if your going outside. You’ll also notice your mental health will probably improve as well.
that is a good idea… I should really get out of my room. I’ll do that this weekend ☀️
One of the most frustrating thing about being “different” is that people don’t understand you… and you don’t understand them either. It doesn’t really matter whether we put labels on it like neurotypical vs. neurodivergent, or nerd vs. jock or liberal vs. conservative… the basic nature of the divide is still much the same. So at some point, you just have to learn to accept it, and stop trying to comprehend that which will never come naturally to you. Embrace who you are, and do what works best… for you. Live your life the best way you know how to, and don’t be afraid to tell others that, while you appreciate that they’re trying to help, their advice just isn’t what you need right now.
Life isn’t about conformity… it’s about growing as a person, and becoming a little bit better every day. So maybe, just give yourself a break… I mean, you’re expressing your problems in this forum and you’re interacting with people, even if it’s not in person. That means you did a lot better than you might have by just sitting there and stewing about those differences, right?
I think you’re doing alright.
thanks. I think the tough part is to understand that advice that works for most people won’t work for you. I’ll have to figure a lot of things out by myself
These kinds of posts are what I’m here for.
I relate so much to this. For me, I’ve largely become a recluse. This is the most I interact with people at large. I have not been diagnosed, in fact I have only seen a regular doctor once in my adult life.
My best friend was autistic, and I believe he rubbed off on me in a way, in how I think about the world, and myself. That’s my only explanation.
So I really feel your emotions here, as I’m super similar to you. I’m not sure what your best move is, but I just want to tell you that you are far more beautiful than you allow yourself to be, and no person is worth you suppressing yourself. Water it down, sure, but I think you should try to open up to the roomies a little at a time, and you may be surprised to find that they find you to be a wonderful human being, and extremely relatable.
Now I know this approach doesn’t work with everyone, trust me, which is why I am very picky with who I surround myself with, but I think you have a unique perspective and experience that could better this world.
Thanks for opening up, and I’m sorry if I was unhelpful, I just thought I’d say HI and let you know I appreciate you.
I really appreciate reading that, thank you!
This is why I concluded that I can’t live in shared housing. Thankfully my social phobia isn’t triggered by living with a partner or I’d be fucked as far as affording housing.
I don’t have any useful advice or way to help, but you’re not a burden and you’re not the only one to feel this way. Sorry if that’s not exactly comforting.
You could try writing out a letter to give them or a script for yourself to read to them? I find writing things out gives me enough distance from the problem to be able to gather my thoughts.
Yea putting it on paper makes it real, easier to decipher, discard, and make true. I love writing and I’m far better at communicating that way than speaking. Public speaking for me is a confidence issue. It takes me forever to get comfortable with someone, and a little longer to be open and spontaneous. I’m good once I get there, but ultimately I’m better at writing than speaking. I find myself dumbing things down, for others and myself, to the point of intelligibility lol.
I’ll think about that, thanks.
@nichtsowichtig @teraflopsweat “Scripting” is a common tool for us, though in most cases it’s just rehearsing lines and establishing conversation patterns and flows.
Groups like this are also great places to get together and workshop communication ideas, from figuring out something accessible to say to get your needs met to other forms of communication, or even just validation when there isn’t a reasonable way forward.
I appreciate you taking time to create content and a dialogue with all the Lemmy users. Thank you.
I’m glad to read that. And I genuinely need to get my thoughts out. :]
I think you have larger problems than the extent of this post, but honestly what worries me the most right now is that you’re missing meals. The foundations for any person’s health is food + rest, and letting your mental issues consistently get in the way in those has a large risk of turning into a vicious cycle. If you cannot eat with your family, you should take food to your room.
I suspect that you haven’t done this because you think this will create conflict at home. If this is correct, you have to face this question: how much are you willing to let your physical health deteriorate before you decide to find a solution? Are you willing to have someone else impose their solution on you later down the line?
I’m sorry if you feel like I’m pushing you towards a situation that you instinctively feel as problematic, but you have to take some minimum care of the foundations before you fix the roof. Do not feel bad for asking for help, everyone feels at a lost sometimes through their life.
it is viscous and it affects pretty much everything I do. The people I live with aren’t really able to understand my condition, so I can’t expect to work out something that works well for me. I’ll move somewhere else when I have the time, energy and opportunity to do so, but until then I’ll just make do. I don’t want to work on the foundation of a house I don’t care that much about. And I’ll just use buckets for now if the roof is leaking and look for another roof to live under.
It isn’t worth the stress for me either. I keep my interaction with other people to a minimum, and try to save most of the interaction energy I have for my family. Keeping up a mask around neurotypicals is exausting. I feel for you.
Sometimes I just lie and tell poeple I’m sick. Something like a sinus infection or headache. Easy to get, not necessarily any visible symptoms. Explains the lack of appetite too. They don’t necessarily need to know the exact reason you are keeping to yourself.
I do that too. But I wish I could live around people I could just be honest to and have them understand. I feel bad and dishonest. It’s pretty much masking - it helps you survive but it makes you a shell of a person.
It sure does!
By this
Having other people notice that I am not well is pretty much the worst thing
Do you mean
- Feeling shame/guilty/etc about how you’re perceived by others, or
- Needing to manage their reactions (like, what you talked about for the rest of your post)
I think it is both. Having people notice makes matters worse for me. Even with the best of intentions, other people’s advice is not helpful for me, and I always feel like I have to pretend to be appreciative of what they say.
I see. For the first part, it sounds like it’s pretty wrapped up with ideas about what you should be doing and what other people think about you. It can be helpful to recognise what those ideas are, and that you don’t have to believe them if they’re not working out. NT strategies like CBT or mindfulness can actually be decent for this sort of stuff (even if they insist on recommending it for frikken everything), but it’s a bit of a long term project and better to tackle when you have energy for it.
For the immediate problem, there was a suggestion to get out on a long walk. There’s also options of somewhere like a gym or library if it suits you better. If you do still need to communicate with your flatmates, is there a medium that would suit you better, like text or a written note or something?
This is also someone else’s advice btw. You’re free to tell me if it’s unhelpful bullshit. In fact, I insist on it!
Maybe try to force yourself to leave your door open and be ready to act all day. Try to do what exhausts you and put a ton of effort into it. Seriously.
If you do kind of well and the day is over… don’t go to a deep dark comfortable place and don’t tell yourself how relieved you are. Don’t have any thoughts about the effort that you expended. Just go to sleep and try it again the next day because it wasn’t a big deal.
This immersion mindset for me helped me with anxiety. I only figured it out because I found myself in situations where there was no other option… like a weekend camping trip or something.
Just remember to force yourself to be present. Don’t get comfortable. Your discomfort will become your new comfort as you get used to the burden of maintaining social expectations.
Are you neurotypical? Because following this advice typically drives autists to a meltdown.
Maybe a fellow autist who is suffering deep in his mask saying “this is fine” and not even wondering why the sight of autistic happiness makes him so irrationally angry.
