I honestly feel bad posting here again, I feel like a burden. It’s just me struggling… so feel free to skip this post and look at more interesting things
the past two months have been much tougher for me than usual, and when I am not doing well, my capacity to interact with other people is pretty close to zero. I feel a very strong desire to be alone. Having other people notice that I am not well is pretty much the worst thing - I can’t talk about what’s wrong, and every time I tried my best expressing myself it didn’t help. All I really get is advice that does not work for me. So I usually try to pretend I am okay, but at a certain point I can’t even really do that anymore.
problem is I’m not living alone. I’ve skipped quite a number of meals in the past week because I don’t want to get into conversations that I don’t want to have. I feel like it would be disastrous unmasked, that’s why I go this far just to avoid interaction. both of my roommates judge me for spending so much time in my room and I think they tell me to get out every time they see me. I never know how to react to that. Being open about my mental health isn’t a good idea - it will end up in them giving me advice that might work for neurotypical, and then they’d blame me if I don’t follow their advice. They already kind of do that. I’ve told one of them about my diagnosis but I don’t really think that has no meaning for him.
I feel pathetic skipping dinner anything because I want to avoid social interactions. But in all honesty, I still think it is not worth the stress.
Maybe try to force yourself to leave your door open and be ready to act all day. Try to do what exhausts you and put a ton of effort into it. Seriously.
If you do kind of well and the day is over… don’t go to a deep dark comfortable place and don’t tell yourself how relieved you are. Don’t have any thoughts about the effort that you expended. Just go to sleep and try it again the next day because it wasn’t a big deal.
This immersion mindset for me helped me with anxiety. I only figured it out because I found myself in situations where there was no other option… like a weekend camping trip or something.
Just remember to force yourself to be present. Don’t get comfortable. Your discomfort will become your new comfort as you get used to the burden of maintaining social expectations.
Are you neurotypical? Because following this advice typically drives autists to a meltdown.
Maybe a fellow autist who is suffering deep in his mask saying “this is fine” and not even wondering why the sight of autistic happiness makes him so irrationally angry.