I fuck myself over by sharing things I don’t need to, and being too honest regarding those things. Sucks that it took this for me to finally learn my lesson. I’ve really fucked myself over this way.
Couple months ago I was sent $4K by someone who just wanted me to be happy. I had literally never in my entire life had money to spend like that. It was a once in a lifetime kind of thing—I know that all too well now.
I almost bought a really fucking nice Jeep Grand Cherokee, with tags good for a whole year, already passed DEQ. Then I listened to a friend who said I should buy a car made by a Japanese company (Honda, Toyota, etc.). So the opportunity passed and never repeated itself. It was only $1,700.
I didn’t spend it all on drugs. I spent maybe a quarter of it just helping my friends out—I sent $400 to an old friend who’s homeless in Austin, TX; I ordered a fuck ton of DoorDash for my friends and I.
I also wasted a lot of it. I’d go buy something stupid, break it or lose it and buy another one. I was careless.
I loved being, for a brief moment in time, like my friends who have seemingly endless money either from rich parents or ripping off Uncle Sam.
It’s my dream to be some sort of content creator—I’ve always had a thing for writing that’s never been executed beyond just like, a private hobby. Like an old friend of mine who draws and makes art and doesn’t really show anyone. Making videos or whatever, too. That’d be cool. Then I can live off Patreon (even if it isn’t much, I’d still be happy—the things I hate about being homeless aren’t the being homeless part, per se).
I believe I deserve a second chance and I know that if I were given one, I would be way more responsible.
But that’s never going to happen. Everyone knows what a fuck up I am now and as winter approaches, I’m legit scared.
I’m sorry.
I’m not trying to fuel my drug abuse and party and shit (tbh right now I don’t even need money for that bahaha). Meth is fucking lame and I hate it anyways.
I just want my knees to stop hurting like fuck whenever I stand up and sit down. I want this brain fog I get from not eating to clear. I want a cozy sleeping bag, clean clothes and facial cleanser. I want to fill in these sunken cheeks and smooth this dry nasty skin. I want to be able to just chill and read or sew or something instead of trying to find breakfast at 4PM. I just want to have a life again.
Ever since you’ve turned over a new leaf with your current account, I haven’t seen anything objectionable at all from you. And even the stuff your old account got a bad reputation for, in terms of how shitty people can be in the grand scheme of things, is not even all that bad.
Several months ago I was trying to arrange to get a meal delivered to you, I had a massive executive dysfunction block and then my savings ran low, but I still feel a pang about that and I leave one of the messages marked as unread as a reminder.
Everybody deserves 4 walls to call their own, a bed, a desk, a chair, a lamp, a laptop, and a bicycle. And ideally a job that can turn 20 hours per week of labor into an adequate living. It’s one of my ambitions to provide this as a baseline, first for comrades and then for everyone.
There have been times of my life when I had a fulfilling existence with all my expenses totalling $500 a month. When you have a home with a working kitchen and bathroom, and a bike, you can feed yourself from raw/whole foods, generate way less waste (as little as 1 grocery bag a month), and not have to worry so much about hygiene. Without having to pay rent to a landlord, 500 a month in some contexts could turn into luxury. But it’s a long road to get the land and structures and social relations required for this.
I have harbored homeless people in my home, and kept others from being homeless, probably at least a dozen times. I’ve even reached out to people sight unseen about it, including people on this site, and it’s often been a rewarding experience. Every time I see a post of yours (including creamsicleposting), I think about how difficult it would be to accommodate you, unless I was further along in acquiring resources. If I knew that offering you a bus ticket here and a roof over your head would work out, I’d do it, but I’m broke right now and my “help people get a handle on life” role hasn’t been very fruitful at all over the past year.
<3