Iāve stopped caring. I need help. Iām going to go on a weird rant here, but itās how I talk when Iām super focused on somethingā¦like getting help. Iām going to try to cover as many faucets that I feel are broken as I can, so itās going to be long. Iām sorry.
I donāt know when, but itās been a LONG time and itās affected my physically, mentally, emotionally. I know I have depression, I know I need to want to change. I know most of the psychiatrist things, well not true but I have a hard time siding with or following through with theā¦I donāt know how to say it but like the feel good therapist talk? Follow this color wheel of emotion stuff kinda stuffā¦or write out your emotions in this diary.
Iām isolated, lonley, disconnected from everything, not eating, not drinking enough, vices are at an all time high, hygiene is non existent, house upkeep is basically non-existent, physical activity revolves around walking to the kitchen, basement/upstairs, to my office, and to bed where I spend more than 10+ hours laying there waiting for the day to be over so I can go to work as I enjoy it. I havenāt seen my doctor in about 2 years or so and at that time I was prescribed some anti depression stuff, makes my heart explode. I need help. I donāt know where to go, how to fix this or even see light on the other side.
Iāve made appointments with my doctor, but I always forget to go, or book the day off. Even with alarms and whatnot. Iām horrid with keeping scheduled things that arenāt immediate. Doctorās visits are like 8 months+ before I get a date.
Iāve disconnected myself from everything. I try to communicate with my son, but he lives too far and I never seem him. Iām horrid at texting people in that if itās out of sight out of mind. I never just text and forget to text. If itās not constant communication, I forgot. If itās constant, I will be there and be a part. But once it gets quiet again, I ever check it. My mom, brothers, same thing. Friends, same thing. I donāt buy/Subscribe/consume anything, literally nothing but food and stuff for my dog and cat. Iām like a hermit.
This part bugs meā¦I can go months without anyone so much as looking at me. Itās like I donāt exist. No calls or messages from friends, family (unless I didnāt pay a bill or something). No birthdays, no oneās said Merry Christmas to me or even happy new year yet. I get no acknowledgement from anyone unless they want something from me which Iāll always do because I like doings things for others. No one acknowledges societal things with me and it hurts. A lot.
I have no energy. I sleep/lay down from about 6ish until 10pm, eat, then lay down. I get up periodically to put the dog out or take her to the park for offleash but thatās it. Iām in bed or working. Iām on a steroid which is supposed to give me energy but yeahā¦doesnāt do it (anymore)
I eat like trash. This obviously doesnāt help. I will go 36 hours on coffee and bananas, then consume some fast food. Iām overweight but not crazy bad. 6ft235. Iām dehydrated from drinking a glass of water maybeā¦every week? Maybe 2. Itās mostly coffee and milk.
I donāt clean my house, I canāt throw things away. I have a couch thatās got destroyed cushions from dog as a puppy, it just sits there. I donāt even use the thing. Never have. I canāt throw it out. Not donāt want to, just canāt be bothered? Crap is everywhere in the house. And I use none of it. 2 computers, and a bed. Thatās what I use.
Trust issues. I donāt trust. My trust has been broken so bad which I suspect is the reason I donāt consume. I donāt trust products, or companies claims. I assume they will just break and Iāll be stuck buying to replace forever. I canāt bring myself to buy things that I donāt trust which is another reason why I havenāt bought a couch or new clothes.
In short, Iāve completely checked out from life and society as a whole, and Ive upset myself to the point where negative intrusive thoughts towards myself enter my head. I wouldnāt ever act upon them, Iām more logical then that but they exist unwilling and I want them to stop. I need help, if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction?
(I would have posted this in the seeking help or asklemmy sub but I was banned for something or other. Probably a bad day on my part. Regardlessā¦step 1)
Everything you feel is valid and it is overwhelming. You canāt fix it all quickly. It will seem awful to fix. It can be fixed. When it is behind you, you will be so grateful. You canāt fix all problems now, but when you fix the last problem, you will be grateful to past you for fixing the first problem. However bad things are now, they can get worse, so realize that honestly admitting to these things now under the guise of getting help is not something you should be ashamed of. I have been there, I got past it, and everything changed. Getting my depression dealt with took years, but when it was done, it gave me the space to tolerate the discomfort of weight loss to go from 310 to 185 and to fixy career and health.
You need a therapist, and the right one. Donāt feel embarassed if it isnāt the right fit, I went through 5 or 6 and Iāve been with mine for 10 years. You donāt need to want to get a good grade from your therapist, you wonāt disappoint your therapist by having a bad week, your therapist gives you the skills to deal with the difficult things so YOU can fix your problems.
Meds wonāt fix the problems, but they will help interrupt the feedback patterns that cause feelings to amplify and seem insurmountable. The right meds will take time to find and dose right, it can take months, but it can be the enabler to help you open mental doors easier. Donāt listen to social media opinions, have an honest discussion with your care team and be open to options that have helped this process for millions of people to your own comfort level. Effexor and lexapro caused more issues than help for me, but Zoloft changed my life and after a decade I am now tapering offā¦ Everyone has a different chemistry and understand the right mix takes time.
You got this.
Not looking or thinking it can be fixed quick, itās already been about 10 years feeling like this, but itās only getting worse and more extreme. The unfettered anger is really nothing me, but I think thatās somewhat by design of current day everythingā¦
Maybe I should look for different therapist. Last 2 were justā¦fake feeling? I dunno. Thanks for listening. I got a lot to figure out
Conventional therapy wasnāt working for me either. Most of them just let you free talk, but what I really needed was informationāuseful information, not just a list of disorders with discombobulated symptoms. I started getting into bibliotherapy with The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Itās a good place to start even though itās written a bit clinically. Other good ones are The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, and Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
The books gave me things I didnāt know I needed: examples of healthy and unhealthy behaviors and relationships, examples of healthy boundaries and how to make them, and types of trauma or neglect that may have happened in childhood. I also learned about the four F responses (freeze, flight, fight, and fawn) which helped me to interpret my own confusing emotions and behaviors in a new light.
It sounds like maybe the first step is to cut yourself some slack for being stuck. Most of us donāt choose to go into the hole, we just find ourselves there. Itās ok. With the right tools, you can get yourself out.
You need to get yourself to the doctor where you can have a very honest discussion about how your feeling. Donāt worry about fixing everything right now. Just focus on this one thing. Different anti-depressants affect different people differently. They also take time, sometimes up to a couple weeks, to get dialed in. My psych put me in Vilozodone this past summer and it was a good three weeks before things started evening out. Iāve felt pretty good since then.
After you get on a good med regimen, focus on self care. What do/did you like to do for fun? Iāve spent a lot of time playing golf and fishing whenever I need a break but thatās what I like to do.
Depression is rough, man. It can drag you down like an anchor and make it feel like you canāt keep your head above the surface. It sucks the joy out of every part of you life. Start fighting and winning this battle and youāll find that the other ones become easier.
Iām sorry to hear youāre feeling like this. For what itās worth: happy new year. Perhaps 2025 is the year where you turn things around, maybe even just one thing!
Iām no expert at dealing with things like this, but perhaps thereās something you could do to take that first step. Something that doesnāt rely on you remembering to do something with other people, or keep communication going, etc. Maybe some sort of hobby like hiking where you can do it alone, and if you do bump into someone else, thereās no expectation that youāre going to have to maintain a 2-hour conversation with them, or meet up every time you hike. Just a casual nod to a stranger as they go by.
It could lead to you buying new clothes as youāre in a different environment. Sunlight (if youāre lucky enough to get some in January) can make you feel better. Exercise makes humans feel good. Itāll lead to an increase in water intake, unless youāre hiking between Starbucksā.
Itās just an example that came to mind.
Have you tried therapy? I havenāt tried it myself, but I know people who say it helped them.
routine!
a couple of years ago i found myself in a similar rutt as yoursā¦ all day in bed consuming various media with the lights off. no physical activity.
looking back over the past couple of years, the first step was establishing a very simple routine. physically GET UP out of bed upon waking and turn on the lights! commit to a simple physical workoutā¦ 15 push-ups first thing. put your shoes on and go OUTSIDE for a short walk.
very simple changes. one simple thing at a time. but stay consistent and allow yourself to FEEL SATISFIED with the consistency.
add new actions to the routine slowly and deliberately. always be kind and supportive of yourself.
eventually, you will get to the point where you can trust yourself to follow thru with seeing a doctor who may be helpful with managing your physical symptoms. going to the doctor may be a good intermediate goal to look forward to while you are building your basic routine.
this should be a self-reinforcing process. it will probably take many months and years to find your own rhythm. but every single day, remember to acknowledge and be satisfied with building slowly and consistently.
good luck buddy. i think you will be okay.
always be kind and supportive of yourself.
This is probably the hardest for me, I care more about others and want to make others happy and have never cared about my own self.
A good routine would probably help since my current one is work, sleep, work sleep. Thank you.
First of all congratulations on seeing how things are and wanting to improve them :-)
If i may ask, what would bring you joy? What keeps you from going on a hike, swimming, or something else? Are you overworked? Do you just not know who to talk to? Maybe you want to live closer to other people? If so, have you thought about moving closer to a community or something?
What would bring me joy?
Honestlyā¦I donāt know. I know what USED to bring me joy. Cooking was probably the number one thing that would make me happy, not the cooking itself, but doing it for someone else.
Nothing is specifically keeping me from doing things, I do got for longer walks with my pup as I know she has exercise needs that need to be addressed, so lots of offleash for her but thatās about the extent of it.
I live smack dab in the middle of the city, thereās a community center likeā¦1 minute behind my house. Maybe I should just get a swim membership or something, Iāve thought about it but never followed up.
