WASHINGTON, D.C. - With US President Donald Trump declaring 25% tariffs on most Canadian goods, American citizens have officially chosen the most circuitous and economically painful method possible to investigate what everyday goods originate from Canada.

The Canadian government has insisted that information on domestic goods is readily available to all trading partners, even including nations that recently elected a felony-convicted game show host to be their head of state. Instead, the United States has decided to employ a rarely-chosen trade tactic that international economists refer to as the “fuck around and find out” model.