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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-02-06 05:02:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/confusedbride2019
AITA for being ok with my parents (and family) not attending my wedding because they wonāt accept my friend
Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole
TRIGGER WARNING: Transphobia, bigotry
Original Post July 28, 2019
I (28F) am marrying my fiancƩ (32M) in March.
I was in my parents home recently and I was telling them about our wedding party, which is going to include a male friend of mine as a groomsman. For some background. This male friend, weāll call him Stephen, went to high school with me and is a post op trans man. My fiancĆ© said heād love to have Stephen as a groomsman, and i asked Stephen and he was delighted!
Then, I told my parents, and they were like āoh we didnāt realise she (yep, she) was going to be actually in the wedding. Sheāll be in all the photographs, we donāt think thatās appropriateā So I was obviously instantly mad.They then said that they werenāt going to be comfortable attending and being in all the photographs with her (yep, her again), and that I would need to remove Stephen from the wedding party if I wanted them to come to the wedding.
So I basically told them that if they werenāt comfortable they didnāt have to come. I left, came home and immediately transferred them the money for the wedding dress. I then get a phone call from my mother telling me that they will pay for the whole wedding if I remove Stephen. Basically bribing us. I just told her I needed space and I hung up.
That was 3 days ago and I havenāt spoken to them. Iām shocked because they have never spoken ill of Stephen before,! Iām upset that they would show so little respect to someone who is so important to me. I am also upset that they have so little respect for me that they think I would turn my back on a lifelong friend for money.
I donāt know if I should speak to them in a few days when everything has calmed down, or if I should leave it to them. A few people Iāve spoken to have said Iām being a bit of an asshole because theyāre my parents, and they have a right to an opinion even if itās something I donāt agree with. That Iāll regret them not being at my wedding and that realistically it will ruin our relationship. Iāve had aunts and uncles calling me saying that this will tear our family apart and Iām being selfish. A cousin texted me to say that Iām choosing friends over family and that she and her parents wonāt be attending if my parents arenāt, and the same for other members of the family. So itās basically blew up into this huge deal where a good portion of my family will likely not attend either!
My view is that I donāt think itās selfish to want to celebrate my day with everyone I love. I feel like the ball is in their court and they have the choice to come or allow their bigotry to stop them attending their only childs wedding!
Also to be clear I am 100% not removing Stephen from my wedding or taking the money, Iām not considering either option (my fiancĆ© is in full agreement). But I just want to know if Iām the asshole for so easily accepting that my parents (and by default a lot of my family) wonāt be coming to my wedding?
VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE
RELEVANT COMMENTS
odeorain
Nope. You are absolutely 100% NTA. Although reddit is full of some horrible people who are probably going to come in here and tell you otherwise. I would have absolutely done the same thing for any of my trans friends. And the thing is, you get married (in theory) ONCE in your life, and the fact that your parents would rather stand by their bigotry than attend your wedding just goes to show how deep that hatred and misunderstanding runs. They are absolutely the assholes in this situation. And I really, really hope you understand how wonderful and supportive of a friend you are being. What you have done for Stephen is a perfect example of how allies should act.
I donāt know how recently this conversation was, but if it is really fresh then give it some time. Then I would call them up and say you really wanted your parents at your wedding, but this is absolutely something you are standing your ground on, and while you wonāt stand for them saying or doing anything to hurt Stephen, if they would like to attend and keep their opinions to themselves then they are still invited. This is ONLY if you actually want them there and you think they wouldnāt ruin your wedding by being unable to hold their opinions to themselves. Donāt let other people judging you convince you to extend the invitation back to them. If itās more important to you to keep a totally safe space for Stephen then by all means make them stay far away from the ceremony.
My parents are both equally as hateful towards the LGBT+ community and POC, and I would absolutely do the same thing that you did if they expressed issues with my wedding party. Because of that though I also understand how bad it can hurt when you realize that your parents can hate more fiercely than their love for you runs. I doubt any of your friends passing the judgement on you have taken even a second to consider how raw and abandoned you might feel deep beneath the anger. But this wedding is about YOU and your husband, and if that includes Stephen then dont let anyone tell you different. Take care of yourself and donāt let anyone try to take your moment away from you. I think you are a brave ally and a wonderful friend. Stephen is lucky to have you. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage. You deserve it!
OOP
Thank you, youāve sort of hit the nail on the head, I feel very hurt that they would feel this way but also that they would let those feelings get in the way of something so important to me.
Also thank you for saying Iām a good friend. Honestly itās not hard to be a good friend to him because he is such an amazing person. Iāve been lucky beyond measure to have him in my life for the last 14 years and to know heās in my corner for life!
PoliticalMilkman
I think it would be a good idea to mention that phrase if you do get the chance to have a discussion- āIt is disappointing to see you would choose to hate someone more than you love me.ā It May make them take a look at themselves. Also NTA, obviously.
UPDATE: First off I want to say thank you for all the lovely comments, and for people taking the time to weigh in! I tried to keep up with them all and I just couldnāt, so Iām so sorry if I couldnāt get to your comment!
Just to be very clear, I was not asking if I am asshole for standing up for my friend, I stand by my actions 100%. I am trying to figure out if I should have done more to convince my parents to come rather than simply accepting they wonāt be there.
I am going to take the advice many of you have suggested and have another sit down with my parents and reiterate my feelings. I will be firm with them and remind them that they are welcome to come but that if they do I expect them to be kind and courteous to all!
I will do an update when I speak to them, thank you again reddit x
Update July 30, 2019
Hi Everyone (sorry for some reason this post was deleted from the AITA page so I just thought Iād post here and then at least some people might see it)
Just wanted to do an update since everyone was just so kind and helpful in the comments!
I met my parents for lunch yesterday, and just laid everything out. I stood my ground and explained to them that Stephen would be in the wedding and that I wouldnāt be accepting any money from them. I asked them why none of this has come up before and they basically said theyāve been holding their tongues and this has just brought it all to a head. So theyāve basically always had this issue, but I suppose have never had a reason to bring it up, because they didnāt want to start a fight.
At the moment we are at a bit of an impasse, they are still saying they wonāt be attending. But I have reiterated that if they can put their feelings aside they are welcome, no questions asked on the day. My only requirement is that they are kind and courteous to all in attendance. So I guess we will just have to wait and see!
I have sent a message to my cousins explaining the situation and Iāve yet to hear back so thatās up in the air too.
I feel like I also need to say that I have spoken to Stephen about this. I know a lot of people said I shouldnāt speak to him about it, but that just wasnāt an option for us. We have a very open friendship and we are always honest with each other! He always would have known something was up if a big chunk of my family just suddenly werenāt at my wedding! He was obviously very upset, and he immediately offered to step back from the wedding party. Both my fiancĆ© and I were adamant about how important it was for us that he remain part of the wedding. My fiancĆ© said that he is an important part of our lives and it would mean a lot if he was standing up there beside him. We all cried a bit, and ultimately heās staying!
So thatās really where we are at right now, itās not an ideal situationā¦
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