Welp, I’m posting anyway because I need something to do instead of drinking. The urge is real and usually on a Saturday I’d just give in and slip into IPA oblivion. But I’ve made a decision and I need to stick with it. Not for anybody else… there is no one else in my life. The booze is to blame for a lot of friends and lovers lost and I’m lonely now, even if I am an introvert who enjoys being alone a lot of the time. I also need some human contact. Right now my massage therapist is the closest I’ve got to a friend… but I pay her so it doesn’t count.

I need to keep reminding myself, as I furiously gulp down coffee and kombucha, that the few hours of bliss I might achieve with getting wasted are just not worth it. It’s the same old thing every time and it’s quite pathetic. The first 3 hours are good. I trip out on music, I can be productive and creative… then it all goes to shit. The music is too loud for an apartment, I have a tendency to send texts and post things online that either make no sense and/or are completely humiliating and ultimately end up alienating anybody at the receiving end. Then later on I black out and get hungry. So I eat like a pig. Last weekend I was making a delicious whole chicken in the crockpot and by the time it was ready I was cooked and almost ate it all. A whole chicken. I don’t even remember what it tasted like the next day. The only reason I know I ate it is because of the indigestion, the mess in the kitchen and of course the ridiculous bit of meat left in the pot. Oh and a burned mouth because I’m eating straight out of the pot and it’s too fucking hot! Oh yeah… it’s good to put this into words and think about how pathetic I am when I’m wasted. And that’s before I embarrass myself with my loud music, sometimes shitty singing and sometimes beating on my thighs or a wooden table because I’m so into it. I at least have like zero bass on my player so the neighbours don’t suffer too much but it’s still fucking embarrassing. They know I’m alone in here getting wasted. Sometimes it’s sad ass music… sometimes it’s metal… It’s gotta be always annoying though. Thank god I start early so I’m usually out by 10pm…

I’m on bupropion and amitriptiline too and those intensity the effects of alcohol. I’ve woken up a couple times in my own piss. Yeah. Otherwise when I manage to not piss myself, I wake up the next morning with my heart pounding at 100mph. Especially when I’ve eaten half the contents of my refrigerator… I’m anxious, I’m embarrassed, I’m sad and I start thinking about my ex too much again. I want nothing to do with the world and I know it’s just going to be another wasted day of recuperating. At least when it’s a Saturday or Sunday I can do it at home. Otherwise I have to go and do it at work… on the road and visiting customers. Fuck that’s horrible. I need to stop. I can’t have a good relationship with booze. It’s all or nothing. The few times I had just a drink or just one bottle of wine with a friend, I felt like it was just a tease. If given the option, I’ll get more. I need to overdo it. I’ve been like that since I started drinking at 12 years old and stealing booze from family members who also had a disfunctional relationship with booze.

I can stick with weed. I can handle that just fine. It’s just that now it comes after a couple of drinks and fucks me up just great.

But I can have just that. I have to. It’s time .

I’m not ever going to have anyone or anything good in my life if I keep doing what I’ve been doing. And I want more.

IWNDWYT!

I know I’m talking to myself but it’s easier to do it here than in my head.