I watched Irrational Man starring Joaquin Phoenix and Emma Stone, because I wanted to see something different.

I was tired of watching bad movies, so I thought, “Let’s go for a simple rom-com with some decent actors.” I had no idea what this movie was about—Prime Video just recommended it.

Well, it’s awful. It’s terrible in ways that felt particularly off. It’s clear this was written by a guy who can’t write women. All they do is obsess over men, especially the main guy, Abe Lucas, who’s a complete jerk with zero redeeming qualities.

Abe, played by Joaquin Phoenix, is supposed to be some troubled bad boy, but he’s just a drunk slob who does the bare minimum. And honestly, I don’t get why all the women on campus are into him. He’s not in shape, and the movie even says he’s not impressive.

The plot? It’s meant to appeal to white, middle-class liberals. Abe’s character is like a cheap version of Charles Bukowski meets Rodion Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment. It’s so heavy-handed, they even have him reading Dostoevsky.

But it doesn’t work. Raskolnikov was an idealist, while Abe’s just jaded and believes in nothing. So when he commits his crime, there’s no emotional weight. He doesn’t even seem to care except that he thinks it’s a game.

As for the love story? There’s no real one. The women just want to sleep with Abe because they think he’s some kind of god. I don’t get it—he’s just a professor with no original thoughts, but everyone’s obsessed with him.

Sure, Joaquin Phoenix is good-looking, but that’s not the point. The movie isn’t about him being hot. It’s about a narcissistic failure who commits a crime, and it just doesn’t work.

Emma Stone’s character is equally annoying. She talks about Abe like he’s some mythical figure, which no real woman would ever do. It’s just not believable.

And the dialogue? Everyone sounds like they’re trying way too hard to sound smart. It’s like they just threw in big words to make the characters seem intellectual.

And then I found out Woody Allen wrote and directed it. Of course he did. Abe Lucas is just Woody Allen imagining himself as a tortured genius.

I’m done with Woody Allen’s self-mythologizing. I was done years ago, and if I knew he was the mind behind this film, I probably wouldn’t have watched it. Irrational Man is a mess, and I couldn’t stand it.

@movies