Hello there everyone. A bit of context:
I’ve kinda known I’ve been genderqueer for the majority of my life. My wife and I just got married a little over a year ago after being together for 10 years (aww high school sweethearts). I’ve really only told her about my sexuality and gender stuff as shes been the only person I’ve ever been able to be myself around. She was a little weird when I told her I was bi a few years ago (consider myself pan now) but was fine with it and said she was as well. After that I started opening up about gender and that’s when everything got weird and we would stop talking about it besides a few times here and there throughout the years.
Over the weekend she brought it back up saying I could use they/them if I wanted, but she thinks “we need more guys like you” in the world. I guess if I change my pronouns and don’t identify as my agab I’ll be wasting the potential as a guy who stands for humane rights. Shit just fucking sucks.
I feel like part of it is being an interracial couple in the Midwest and she sees it as just another struggle we have to go through. She’s talked about that and I get it but it doesn’t make me feel better.
Sorry for venting, but it’s just so frustrating. Like is this normal for couples who go through this situation? I’m just really pissed hearing my wife say “I understand, but most guys sucks so you should be the example” when I don’t feel like a guy.
first, congrats on being genderqueer & thinking about new pronouns!!
i personally tried to hold on way too long as a “positive example of masculinity”. eventually i realized that even though im awesome, i was never going to be a positive example of a man since i wasn’t a dude to begin with.
i think your wife might just need some time to adapt / learn more about transness / gender queerness.
Thank you. The sexuality part was hard to bring up/talk about at first but we’re doing fine on that front now. I brought up gender shortly after and that’s been kind of an on and off again conversation for a few years now. Tbh I feel like she’s trying to protect me from my own family, some of hers and just the area we live in. One of her cousins came out as NB recently and that’s been a weird topic of discussion at family events when they aren’t around.
It just hurts to hear that my principles and way I’ve been going about life are lessened because of how I identify. Feels like I have to be a poster child for “Let people love people” instead of loving myself.
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I think for me, it was less about changing anything than letting myself accept myself as I was.
Really vibe with what @Transgenderista@hexbear.net said elsewhere in this thread
i personally tried to hold on way too long as a “positive example of masculinity”. eventually i realized that even though im awesome, i was never going to be a positive example of a man since i wasn’t a dude to begin with
Except as a nonbinary person. Rather than spending time making sense out of how to fit a round peg in a square hole, I could just be and make sense as I already am.
I stopped myself from coming out as agender for like a year after I basically realized I was (or something like that), cuz I worried about stuff like “am I being selfish by renouncing being a man rather than being a good man,” etc. It wasn’t good, and I’m a lot happier now. There is a lot of (correct) pushback against individualism around here, but somethings literally are about you - and how you identify is one of those things. We’re not Jesus or some shit, it’s not our job to take on and suffer the sins of men.
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