Well, a lot of it was because of that chick that lived in my backyard. We were best friends. We never dated. We never had sex or anything, but we slept in the same bed a lot of nights. We took showers together, and more importantly. We had this unspoken contest to see who could be the bigger agent of chaos.

One night she asked me to go with her on a date. It was at this guys house that she had never met in person. On the way there she makes a big deal that he only has one leg. Whatever ya know. I don’t care.

We get there and they go watch a movie and make out. I’m bored so I raid the liquor cabinet. After I get super drunk. I go to the garage and look around.

I found an electric chainsaw, an extension cord, and an economy sized bottle of laundry detergent. Now I was super drunk, but I still didn’t want laundry detergent all over my clothes. So I took all of them off, and set them far away from the detergent.

Then I hook up the chainsaw, and saw through the jug of detergent. The chainsaw slung liquid detergent all over me, and the garage. Now I’m standing in this man’s garage with no clothes on. I’m covered in laundry detergent, and waiving an electric chainsaw triumphantly in the air like leather face. That’s when they opened the door to see what the noise was.

Needless to say I had to wipe off and put my clothes back on because we had to leave, but she laughed the whole way home. She thought that was the greatest shit ever, and looking back I’m surprised he didn’t kill me.

She also was the best wing man or wing woman? We would go to bars and meet some chick. Then let’s call her Mary. Then Mary would tell the chick what a good guy I was, and how I’d been wronged by some bad woman, and all I needed was a loving woman to be there for me. It worked almost every time, and I just want to be clear. I never once asked Mary to do that for me.

She just thought that tricking chicks into dating me was hilarious. Mainly because I was a trash human back then.