I still don’t know how I did it, but when I’d fake sick as a child my mom would leave the room for a bit while the thermometer stuck in my mouth, beneath my tongue. I would then breath the “hottest” air I could muster repeatedly from my lungs, believing that it would bring the thermometer up to fever levels… and it always worked.

Did I just have a really chill mom who recognized when I didn’t want to go? Or could this absurd method actually trick a traditional thermometer into going up?

Maybe it’s best that I don’t know, as I have a daughter now and it’s important to have her back when she needs needs a fuckin’ day.