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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-02-08 06:01:36.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAeverythingn
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My husband (M39) has thrown me(F27) under the bus to his family with his silence and complete lack of a spine, how do I salvage this?
Trigger Warnings: infertility, miscarriage, accusations of infidelity, sexism, neglect, betrayal, verbal and emotional abuse, threats of violence, property damage, spousal abuse
Original Post: January 29, 2024
My husband Owen and I have been trying for a baby for years with no luck. I would be happy to adopt but Owenās family is against it and has influenced my husband to also be against it. After our second year of trying I begged my husband to go with me to get a checkup to see if either of us or both of us is infertile. He was strongly opposed to this as all the men in his family are extremely fertile but eventually gave in and as it turns out his sperm count is extremely low. He was heartbroken as was I and we both got therapy.
After a year of no longer ātryingā I got pregnant but lost the baby, and we were devastated. Owen blamed himself and proposed that we start the process of getting into a family planning center for a sperm donor which I agreed to. He asked me that we not tell either of our families about this or our friends and I agreed because I would never want to emasculate him. With the help of our donor, I was able to successfully become pregnant and we had our little girl last year, she is healthy and progressing amazingly and I thank God for her every day. I kept my promise and never told anyone, however, Owen is struggling with connecting with our little girl.
Here is where the trouble begins. Last month when he went out of town with his brothers for their friendās bachelor party. While on the trip Owen told his brothers about our infertility issues and that our baby wasnāt biologically his. One of his brothers must have told his wife who told my husbandās mother. I donāt know why she would tell my husbandās mother except that she has never liked me.
Their mother then came to our house and called me a lying whore and tried to get my husband to leave with her. He just stood there silent. I told her that it was Owenās decision not to tell anyone and she asked him if this was true again he was silent which his mother took as me being the liar she then went to our nursery and started taking everything sheād ever given us for the baby back. I told her I didnāt care about it and I made more than enough to buy everything she gave us myself and better quality. This set her off and she called my baby a filthy bastard when she said that I did something I know was harsh but I believe she deserved it.
I physically pushed her out the door (I didnāt hit her but I did put my hands on her shoulders pushing her out the door) and threw all her shitty things out with her. After spirits had calmed down I realized my husband had said nothing when his mother was berating me, calling me a liar, and when she called our child a filthy bastard so I asked him why he was silent he said he wasnāt raised to be disrespectful the way I was and that his mother hadnāt said anything that wasnāt true she was just hurtful with what sheād said and that we should let it go and wait for his mother to forgive us. I told him that I would never let it go that his mother and anyone who agreed with her was not welcomed in our home and that I donāt need to be forgiven when Iāve done nothing wrong. He then said the house was his and as the head of the family it was his decision. I told fine but why did he allow her to call me a liar and a whore those things are not true and our child (no child really) should be called a bastard. He just repeated he would not argue with his mother.
After that, I stopped speaking to him and started gathering up my daughterās things and purse and walked out the door with her. He tried to stop me and told me I couldnāt take his daughter anywhere without him and I lost the little bit of composure I had left. I told him she wasnāt his daughter. Heād proved he didnāt see her as his daughter when heād allowed his mother to call her a filthy bastard and told him she wasnāt his. He broke down into tears and begged me to come back inside but at the time I felt nothing he looked pathetic to me.
Iāve taken my baby with me and gone back home to my parents and finally told my family the truth which feels so good. They are completely in support of my decision and are not allowing my spineless husband anywhere near us as he still refuses to apologize to me or set the record straight with his family. However, I told the sister-in-law that I was close to the truth and she told the rest of his family. Half of his family is understanding while the other side is on his motherās side but they all are mad at my husband. I need time to cool down but I know eventually my husband and I need to figure our marriage out. One thing is for certain I will not return to āhis houseā until he apologizes to me and promises to protect me and his daughter fiercely. I want to see this in action form starting with him telling his mother what she did was wrong and banning her from coming to see us until she asks for my forgiveness. We were also planning on having more children as he wants a big family but that is off the table as I donāt believe he is ready and we both need to get back into therapy
RELEVANT COMMENTS
aLovelylove Ask yourself this, do you believe he is capable of changing? Everything he has said and allowed to be said to you is nothing but disrespectful
OOP I am beginning to conclude he does not love me enough to change or protect us
ACM915 Does he have any redeeming qualities? It does not seem so and Iām sure you are aware there is nothing worth saving. Please donāt allow yourself or your child to continue to be abused by these total AHās.
OOP I will most certainly never allow my baby to be abused verbally or physically and his redeeming qualities are few.
Fit_Anywhere_4405 I am confusedā¦ Your husband had a low sperm count BUT he was still producing sperm and the IVF clinic would normally āharvestā your husbandās sperm and choose the healthiest candidate and then inject it directly into one of your eggs.
Why did you decide to get a third-party sperm donor when your husband was still producing sperm, albeit at a much lower quantity?
Defective sperm and low sperm count are not the same thing.
OOP A healthy donor was less expensive and had a higher chance of success than IVF. Weāve had many friends who did IVF and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars only to have no results and or more miscarriages. We explored all our options thoroughly and he chose this one Ā
Update: February 1, 2024
I want to start by thanking those who were so kind, your words of encouragement and advice were greatly appreciated. Here is my update:
Apparently, after I left my husbandās house my MIL, BIL, and SIL accused me of cheating. Iād already begun speaking with a lawyer after Owen refused to tell the truth to his family but knowing he let them tell other people I cheated is like getting punched in the chest. Iām now renting a nice two-bedroom apartment; my siblings and their partners have helped me furnish it and my top priority is ensuring my baby has everything she needs. Currently, Iām working to create a cozy nursery for her and hiring a nanny. Facing the end of my marriage is terrifying but Iām learning to accept my new reality.
When I notified Owen I was going to file for divorce he started calling and messaging nonstop. His messages range from begging me to come home, telling me he will tell the truth and get therapy again, begging to see our baby, and then threatening to drag me home. I told him the divorce was happening whether he liked it or not because he failed as a husband and failed even worse as a parent. He then sent photos and videos of my things in the garbage and him and my BIL trashing the nursery. His exact words, āI donāt need it anymore.ā In the most disturbing video, he threw our babyās car seat in a dumpster. I do not recognize him or his behavior anymore. He claims to miss his daughter and me but is trying to make his behavior my fault for not doing what Iām told. This is not the man I agreed to marry. The man I married was smart, kind, gentle, thoughtful, and funny but this vileness from him was waiting for me the moment I didnāt obey and take the disrespect from his family to save him from the humiliation of his infertility. Before the fallout with his mother, he was nothing like this. Itās certainly NOT an excuse but I believe it all centered on him feeling emasculated and humiliated by his family. I just canāt believe he couldnāt at least stand up to his family for me and our baby, the one he said he would die for.
I am not blocking Owen as my lawyer said to email everything he says to me to him but the constant threatening messages make me scared to leave my home. Owen knows where I work and has repeatedly told me he will drag us back if thatās what it takes and that Iām making him do this. My lawyer and I are working onā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1alnv27/my_husband_m39_has_thrown_mef27_under_the_bus_to/
Missing the end of the post: āā
My lawyer and I are working on a restraining order, but every woman who was attacked by her ex-husband knows restraining orders donāt keep you safe. However, things took a turn when my FIL showed up on my parentās doorstep, and itās the reason I decided to update. My FIL asked to speak with me. My parents told him they would call me and ask but if I said no then that was final and he would not be welcomed back. I only agreed to speak to FIL because he told my parents he was there to apologize for his family and set the record straight. My dad called me as my FIL was blocked from calling me and when I picked up my FIL immediately apologized for his wifeās behavior he wanted to hear my side of the story as he did not believe I cheated. I thanked him (I was never close to FIL but weāve always been civil) and let him know of course I did not cheat. I told him of his sonās infertility and that Owen proposed we get a donor. I told him very clearly it was his sonās decision, and that because my FIL and his family put blood as the only valid form of family my husband made me lie so our child would be treated equally. After I finished My FIL seemed stunned, he was quiet for a while then asked if his wife and son could come over and see my daughter in person as they missed us and were ready to be a family again but I told him no. FIL then asked if there was anything Owen could do to fix the marriage and I again told him no. FIL tried to say I was being unfair but my dad stepped in and said FIL was overstaying his welcome. Before I hung up I told FIL that his son was sending me abusive messages daily and if he truly was sorry then he should make his son stop. Then I hung up. My parents said my FIL was irritated that I did not respectfully say goodbye or give Owen a chance to save his marriage but left with little fuss after my parents laid into him about raising his swine of a son to threaten his wife and child. Telling his father must have worked because I havenāt gotten a single message from Owen since then. I do not want anything from my STBX, not child support, not alimony, not the house, or any of his other assets. I just need him to agree to the divorce and give up his parental rights so my little girl can grow up with a family who loves her unconditionally. I have a good degree and a great job, my child and I will be fine without him. Owenās lawyer has made it clear theyāre going to fight us for full custody and my STBX has significantly more money than me but my lawyer is confident in our case and I trust them. Today my MIL has been trying to contact me as she wants to be in my daughterās life and is saying she is ready to accept her āas she is.ā As if my daughter NEEDS to be accepted by her, if itās up to me their whole family will never see us again.
ADDITIONAL COMMENTS FROM OOP
Owenās has destroyed hundreds of thousands of dollars of my electronics, clothes, furniture, and paintings. Thatās the only thing I will be making him pay me back for. I donāt want any of his assets just the things I worked hard to earn and he destroyed. There is a report, I donāt know what will come of it I had been living with my parents for 2 weeks before the first post and already had started to talk to a lawyer. Whether or not me and my husband worked on our marriage I planned on not living with him for at least a while after he said it wasnāt my house and my parents pressured me to get a divorce attorney immediately when I moved into their house. Even when I still slightly thought things might work out I was preparing. I went back and forth mentally but I knew this was not sustainable. My family did most of the work finding me an apartment and paying for furnishing it just took a while for me to leave my parents and physically move in. The only truly recent update is my FIL talking to me and learning (through my other family) my MIL wants to reconcile
RELEVANT COMMENTS pineboxwaiting Youāre a fool not to get child support. You should go for court- ordered support, his paycheck garnished.
OOP Maybe Iām a fool but this isnāt his child he doesnāt care about her he just wants to hurt me and make me go through this
angelicvixen It doesnāt matter if she is biologically his or not. Child support is for the child, and legally, he is the father. Youād be a fool not to go for child support. I get not wanting anything of his for yourself, but, as I said, the support is for the child and goes to the child and represents his part of the care for her, esp if you push for full custody. Itās to help provide for her care. Also what a fuckin POS. Youāre a saint to not push for what youāre legally allowed to. God what a dick, Iām glad you got her and yourself out of that situation.
OOP He doesnāt want this child, Iām beginning to think he never wanted a child he just wanted to fit the part. Iām going to take care of my daughter I donāt need his money, she also has my whole family looking out for her. My baby will want for nothing, why would I force money out of a man who does not love her, and has no connection with her apart from staying in my life to make me miserable?
ashburnmom Going to be buried in the comments but how does one move out, find an apartment, get the rental papers taken care of, move into and furnish a new apartment within 3 days? Seems a stretch.
OOP This update is not chronological by day. Iād been living with my parents for 2 weeks before I made my first post, and my family was working to get me out of my parentās house the entire time as well as furnishing my apartment, I paid for some of the things, and my siblings their partners my parents and many other family members donated and bought things. Trust me I could not have done this alone
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
