*2043, Theatre Upstairs at the Royal Court (a well established subsidised “new writing” theatre in Sloane Square). It has been frugally adapted for living. There might be a compost toilet in the back, something for cooking. Three elderly squatters surround a heat source, eating Pigeon On A Stick, reminiscing. *
ARF: Prawn Mayo sandwiches!
SHERBOURNE and OFFALY recoil in disgust
SHERBOURNE: We were vegans.
ARF: So was I… CORNETTOS!
OFFALY: They’re back now.
ARF: What?
OFFALY: They’re back now.
ARF: But- not with sugar and cocoa
OFFALY: Yeah, with sugar and cocoa.
SHERBOURNE: Yeah, but it’s Cadbury’s now, coz they were Quakers. So, like, socialist ice cream.
ARF: how. where did they get the sugar and cocoa from?
OFFALY: South America. It fell like two months ago.
ARF: South. South America… The whole of South America? Or just former Brazil?
SHERBOURNE: The whole of South America Arf. Fuck, I’m so sorry, we thought you knew
ARF: I NEVER FUCKING GO OUT DO I?!
OFFALY: I’m sorry.
ARF: Tell me what happened.
OFFALY: The SRUSA&C took it from the air. Fucking dropped robots from helicopters. Cleared people out, put them to work.
ARF: What was the justification?
(pause)
SHERBOURNE: The American people wanted ice cream.
OFFALY: Fully Automated Luxury Communism
ARF: Fully automated luxury fucking communism.
ARFUR is picking their nose
SHERBOURNE: aw, Jesus Arf
ARFUR: what?
SHERBOURNE: come on that’s disgusting
ARFUR eats the bogey
SHERBOURNE: ewwwwww!! JADED: arrrrrr!!! OFFALY: smiling Arf…
ARFUR: I like picking my nose. I like picking my nose. It’s satisfying. And it’s tasty. And it helps you breathe. The only reason not to pick your nose is the fear of being judged. So, when you pick your nose… (really starting to enjoy themselves now), when one picks one’s nose, one gets the satisfaction of peeling a gnarly globule out of a fleshy cavity, a tasty little salty snack, clear airways, and, liberation from shame.
OFFALY: Nose-shame in that.
JADED: weyyyyyyy ARFUR: weyyyyyyy SHERBOURNE: weyyyyyyy
ARFUR: Nose-shaming (pleased with this term) Is a white supremecist colonial construct.
JADED: Designed to keep our airways blocked
ARFUR: Stop us breathing!
JADED: Keeping us anxious
ARFUR: Dulling our sense of smell!
OFFALY: So we can’t smell out the rat!
SHERBOURNE: Ah now guys, leave the ratties out of it. to ARFUR Do you feel like this about scabs?
ARFUR: …Alright I kinda feel the same about scabs.
SHERBOURNE: Okay but scabs, there are good sound medical reasons not to pick your scabs, so…
ARFUR: Well, speaking as a Trade Unionist
SHERBOURNE: Former trade unionist
JADED: Woah
OFFALY: Yeah what was that?
SHERBOURNE: Sorry sorry, dunno where that came from
ARFUR: It’s calm. Speaking as a former trade unionist, I know that the best way to deal with scabs…
JADED: Here we go
ARFUR: Is to just picket.
JADED: weyyyyyyy OFFALY: weyyyyyyy SHERBOURNE: weyyyyyyy