Repression. I fought most my life, telling myself my thoughts and feelings were wrong while also finding outlets that felt “safe” and telling myself that was it, I just needed a way to get the thoughts out and they’d go away. Anything and everything was a way to stave off the thoughts about myself, my desires, and my own needs.
It’s taken me time to really accept it, but it’s more than a dislike. I was fucking miserable identifying myself as a man. Looking back now, all I get in my head is Edgar, from Men in Black. Ill-fitting, angry, and ugly(more mentally/emotionally than physically).
Hell, I’m an oldass, I remember seeing people talk about Linkshells with certain interests on the forums and in-game. FFXIVs sense of community has been awesome for a long time, and they’ve only improved it from what I’ve seen.