Tldr: my wife and I get into verbal fights quite often (once a month or so) I get over it in an hour and it takes her days. Both of us think that the other’s timeline isn’t normal. What’s typical/normal?
I’m ADHD (my current therapist thinks it’s AuDHD) so I’m prone to emotional deregulation and pretty crazy mood swings. I’m pretty sure my parents are somehow ND as well so I don’t have the best basis. My wife is also ND, but it’s audio processing not emotionally related
My wife and I get into fights and arguments sometimes over petty stuff. I feel I hear her out but it’s difficult for her to listen to me straight through as I tend to take a while to get to my point. She interrupts me a lot with either snide comments or questions that if she just waited a sec I’d answer. This leads me to getting frustrated and raising my voice and yelling, which gets her pissed off and raises her voice and suddenly we’re in a shouting match.
Eventually one of us gives up or realizes they’re wrong and we end the fight and go to our separate (safe) areas.
After about an hour I feel I’m back to normal and can talk about other things. (We usually have something we need to do with our kids or work or the house that we need to communicate on).
My wife feels it takes her a day or two to come down from a fight so shes very short with me until that time, where I feel I can talk after an hour or so… She feels that it’s not normal to change in that short of time.
What do people think?
It really depends on the specifics of the fight and the person (neurotypical or not). Perhaps some couple counselling with a professional would be helpful to understand each other better?
I’m ADHD, and a fight will ruin my day. I mean it will literally prevent me from accomplishing ANYTHING besides mindless tasks.
A few hours afterwards I’m often found staring into space reflecting on who said what, what I should say/do if it comes up again, and how it will affect tomorrow or the day after that. For bigger issues, the reflection will gradually reduce over the next few days.
Same for me. I will be in agony until reconciliation is made.
Dude. I’m ADHD and I’m the exact same way. I hate it cause it’s all I can think about.
That sounds more like a minor trauma or so.
That’s funny because in my case fights leave my head and I’m on to something else in no time.
I don’t believe there’s a consistent difference between ND and NT. Everybody’s handling conflicts differently.
There really isn’t a norm. I don’t get mad very easily- I brush off thighs that upset other people - but if I get mad it takes a long time to get over it. I had a gf once who got mad at the slitest thing (often really mad), but would get over it really quickly. There’s a lot of variation. And, of course, it can depend on the issue, too. A guy leaving the toilet set up is different from a guy kissing his gf’s sister.
You brush off thighs?
I love thighs myself, but that’s just me.
You misunderstand: I love them so much that when I see any kind of dust or anything on them, I brush them off.
“Things;” I’m leaving that typo, but fixed two others. Proof reading for the win!
Perhaps they meant “brush against thighs”.
Lol yup
I get the best of both worlds, it takes sustained pressure for a LONG time for me to get angry about something and when I finally do get angry it fizzles out and I’m over it in a matter of minutes to a max of about an hour.
But then again, most of my “negative” emotions are like that, grief, sadness, anger etc fizzle out quickly and I’m back to “baseline”. It’s like there’s a switch on brain that goes “Ok, that’s enough of that, back to normal”, not sure how normal that is in relation to others LMAO
That’s great, at least as long as you’re truly letting go of it and not pushing it down someplace.
It’s pretty easy for me to feel sadness, but anger is just a very unnatural state for me. Probably to an unhealthy degree in that there are probably times when I should be mad, but instead just get despondent.
Forget about what’s normal for getting over a fight. You know what’s not normal? Getting into a screaming match with your partner every month.
I really can’t stress enough, that’s not ok. Not a healthy relationship, not a safe environment for your children, and not a good example for them to follow in the future.
You need couple’s counselling ASAP because this pattern has to stop.
Short answer: it depends on the person and situation.
Long answer: it depends on the person and situation.
After a fight it helps to talk about the fight. You shouldn’t just fight and then never talk about it again.
my husband and I both have ADHD. typically, we fight, I’m over it pretty quickly, he needs until he can sleep to get over it, but I think this is because we usually fight “My way.” I need us to talk it out and dissect what’s actually the root of the issue (usually past hurt, ongoing pattern, or misunderstanding at the onset of the fight). Once the issue is dissected and we commit to a resolution, or even just commit to acknowledging the issue and working on it, I feel loads better. If our flight is interrupted or he gets his way (ignoring the root cause, taking a short break from each other for a walk) then I’m simmering for ages and not that interested in being friendly again whereas he is back to normal.
Are you better at arguing? Do you typically “win” the argument? Or do arguments usually go along your ideas of how a fight should be structured? This may have something to do with it.
I second the above recommendation for the Nonviolent Communication book. It’s a short little read / work book and it can get you both using the same language, as well as kind of force you to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs.
Those poor kids
That was my thoughts - this is no way to teach them about dispute resolution. OP seems to be focusing in the wrong thing (as everyone deals with things different) and they need relationship counselling.
Not to mention things must be pretty tense around the house. Once a month seems very regular to me to have such arguments.
It completely depends on the person and the fight. I’m pretty much good to go in a couple minutes unless there was some serious betrayal that led to the fight. My wife needs anywhere between 1 and 3 days. Thankfully we really only fight about once a year, and it’s always over some completely pointless bullshit.
As a NT parent, one of the hardest things has been the “emotional whiplash” of an ADHD kid. One minute it’s a horrific display of emotional violence that scars me for life, and then five minutes later it’s like it never happened. I’m probably slower to change my feelings than most - there are things that happened years ago I’m still able to access fresh feelings about - but even when I actively recover from a fight I’m still upset by the time the next one occurs. It’s taken a toll on my mental health for sure.
I don’t know that you are actually asking the question that you want an answer to. So here’s an answer: it’s okay for each of you to take the amount of time that you are taking to recover. But it also sounds like you both may not be understanding each other’s feelings or feeling like your feelings are being understood. Couples therapy might be helpful. I also recommend “Non violent communication” by Marshall Rosenberg. It’s essentially an extension of the therapisty thing of using “I feel” language.
Eh, for me it’s maybe twenty minutes at most, but I don’t do fights with people I care about. If things are reaching the point where voices are raised, it’s time to step back and figure out why things are going bad, then come back to the subject matter from a place of love.
As far as how long it should take for you and your partner, it depends on how each of you handled things. There’s no single answer to it. The nastier the other person gets, the harder it is to let go, even when the issue that started the fight gets resolved. It becomes about the behavior during the fight, and that’s a separate thing to get over.
You both would benefit from extra guidance by professional in anger management and negotiating relationships. If you’re fighting like that often enough to be asking this, neither of you has the skills needed to be healthy for each other.
I wouldn’t say there’s a norm, everyone varies. What would probably help a bunch is some sort of validation for how that fight sucked for the other person, no matter who’s right or wrong.
“Hey, I’m sorry we fought. I hate it and I know you do too. I don’t ever mean to make you feel bad. I love you and want us to be ok. Is there anything else you need me to understand?”
Neutorypical here (possibly a touch of undiagnosed autism but not a lot)- I don’t get into them.
My wife and I take a very proactive approach to communication. We talk through decisions before either of us gets emotionally attached to an answer. We trust each other to have good decision making processes when that isn’t an option. We have thoroughly established that both of us are putting the interests of the household first. We know both of us are acting in good faith, we both apologize, and we accept each other’s apologies.
In previous, less healthy relationships, I realized what made a “fight” was that her or I wanted it to be. Maybe one of us wanted attention or affirmation or had some inner problems was taking out on the other. Perhaps we just didn’t feel like we were properly heard unless we were angry. Whatever the actual fight about was usually something that could’ve been resolved without emotional energy.
As for how long to recover after… When it happened it always depends on the specific fight. Sometimes hours, sometimes days, eventually the big one was that we broke up permanently. If the issue has been resolved and someone is harboring resentment because the other party disagreed with them, there’s more underlying emotional issues that need to be resolved.
