Right now, my wife is finishing up her last day of work at her current job. Her boss has been on again/off again toxic and she had enough. She’s got another job lined up right away on Monday.

The past two weeks since she put her notice in, it’s been nothing but a torrent of praise of all of her contributions. Every day she’s been emotional about someone telling her how much they value her and are going to miss her. Taking her out to lunches, numerous emails and texts of positive affirmation.

Her new job comes with a HUGE sacrifice on my end. Not only do I have to do school pickups for our four kids, I had to forgo my remote days (2x a week), so I can depart an hour or so earlier to be the one to pick them up every day. Now I also have the sole responsibility to bring them to appointments.

Now, here’s what falls on my plate:

  • Morning school prep (Make Breakfast, Lunches)
  • Pickups
  • if children are sick, I have to be the one to work from home/PTO
  • Dinner, given she will just be getting done at work
  • Homework supervision
  • Bedtime routines
  • Cleaning

On top of this, she wants more things off of her plate, like playdate organization and activity planning.

I’m super hurt by this. And she thinks I’m not supportive of the job change for her. What she doesn’t realize is that my anxiety is through the roof of managing even more things while being the primary breadwinner.

It’s so unfair.

She gets complimented for everything she does. No one ever thanked me for my time at work, usually just a brief “see ya”.

She gets less and less on her plate, pretty much by brute force. “About time, husbands don’t realize how good they have it.”

She gets everything she wants. Time, space, possessions. She’s the gatekeeper of our intimacy and doesn’t desire me.

I’m always concerned for her, and compliment and reassure her of any insecurities. She will not even flinch if I have an anxiety attack.

I just want to scream.

  • Serinus@lemmy.world
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    2 months ago

    Is she bringing in enough money for the household? Can you afford to be a stay at home dad? Because it seems that’s what she wants.

    • Sea_Foam_Green@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 months ago

      No, I easily clear 3x more.

      It’s a part of my frustration. I put myself out there more than I should comparatively to what we make. Not from prestige, but from security.

      • rooster_butt@lemm.ee
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        2 months ago

        Honestly, I made 3x more than my wife made. She’s a SAHM now. Losing 25% household income is definitely worth our sanity and stress levels. Especially since we have no family that leaves close enough that can help out with our kids.

  • dohpaz42@lemmy.world
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    2 months ago

    Hey. I hear you. If you ever need to talk, I am sincerely here to listen. You do not have to go through this by yourself. And I echo @someguy3@lemmy.world’s sentiment: communicate with your wife about how you feel. If need be, seek marriage counseling.

    Good luck OP! Again, you are seen and heard and not alone!

  • thesporkeffect@lemmy.world
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    2 months ago

    I relate to this so hard. My SO travels all over for weeks at a time for work, comes home and tells me how much fun they are having, and I am stuck home effectively being a single parent 3/4 of the time.

    If anything is broken or messy it stays that way until I personally clean it up. But I am ‘not fun’ because I am sleep deprived and occasionally depressed, so I have to project positivity through sheer force of will.

    • dohpaz42@lemmy.world
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      2 months ago

      Hey, like OP, you are not alone. Your feelings matter and I hope you find a way to work it out with your SO. If you need anything, hit me up. Legit.

  • HobbitFoot @thelemmy.club
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    2 months ago

    I think it is unfair that you are the primary breadwinner while still having to manage the home entirely.

  • penquin@lemm.ee
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    2 months ago

    I do the same exact thing like you, since I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, except picking up the kids. School bus does all that. I’m actually ok with it. I love my family and enjoy doing all this to make them happy. The only difference is that my wife is very thankful and she always makes sure she lets me know that. She always mentions how she appreciates what I do and she makes sure to do as much as she can when she can. She just got a new full time job and is very happy with it. Her having a full time job has helped us tremendously as a family. It’s a team effort. She happened to work in office and I’m at home, why not use that to save on daycare and babysitting? You need to communicate with your wife. Whatever you said here on Lemmy needs to be said to HER. She needs to know that. Maybe she is oblivious to all of this and being honest with her will fix things? You won’t know until you’ve done it. Talk to your wife, friend. Wish you the very best, and hope things work out for y’all.

  • adhocfungus
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    2 months ago

    I feel for you, man. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully you feel a little better after letting it out.

    Are you seeing someone about your anxiety? That seems like the primary issue. My spouse is a stay-at-home parent while I work full time and I still have all the responsibilities on your list. It’s often stressful, but that’s being a parent. If it’s pushing you into anxiety attacks then you definitely need to address that first.

    You’ll also have to be clear on your limits. If she wants you to organize playdates and you don’t have any time left then make it clear they won’t get organized. There are only so many hours in a day.

  • graeghos_714@lemmy.world
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    2 months ago

    My little brother’s wife had little interest in raising kids so it all fell on him. Without him, there may have never been love felt by his child. Her only interest was her career and living the high life. Having kids requires so much sacrifice which can make it very challenging when only one parent accepts the sacrifices. But he’s reaped the rewards. His wife doesn’t have much of a relationship with their child now that they’re an adult. And she’s kind of okay with that. Right now. The future has a way of biting us for the sacrifices we chose to pass on to others. I imagine as she ages, she’ll have regrets that can’t be walked back any more.
    If you put in all the effort, the kids will remember. The future you’re sacrificing for may bring greater value than what you sacrificed. She may even see and hear about all you do together as a family, minus her, and want to become more part of what she’ll be missing.
    None of that makes it easier now, and not having any free time to decompress really sucks. With all the micro time management you’re going to be doing, hopefully you can find time for yourself to fill your wants and needs.
    If your spouse doesn’t appreciate you or consider your needs, that’s another issue to find a solution for that kids certainly complicate. Relationship issues are tough to work through and if either or both people don’t look at themselves in a mirror it can be insurmountable for the time. Then your choice becomes going into a holding pattern or finding someone else who can fill your needs you spouse won’t fill, or last; walking away which won’t make anything easier even if it can solve a problem

  • dumples
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    2 months ago

    It really seems like your job is a huge part of this problem. She has exciting new role energy for her job which has coordinate with her old job giving her praise. You on the other hand seem to be in a job that you either hate or don’t like very much. You are jealous of what she has with her new role.

    I am going through the exact same thing with my job and my spouses job. She has an emotionally demanding helping profession job which is draining emotionally but she is great at it, loves her coworkers, has autonomy and does something useful for the world everyday. My job while much higher paying is a high stress and yet boring corporate job in which I get little praise and high complaints. I have been so jealous of her when she talks about work even when she is complaining. We have talked this through and I am going to find something better for myself but I understand the jealousy. I am both proud of what she does and jealous that it isn’t me. Relationships are complicated like that and you need to understand each portion of it.

    You seem frustrated about the additional emotional labor and reasonability you are getting from her new job. This is highlighting how much emotional labor you have to put with at your job which you can’t give to your home life and family. It is exhausting putting on fake and false face for your job. This need to hide everything at work and its getting you in the habit to hide at home. Look for a new job and talk with your wife about how her new job is bringing up these complicated feelings about your role. You got this but need to talk it out

    • Sea_Foam_Green@lemmy.worldOP
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      2 months ago

      I actually like my job.

      I just have never had a place/coworkers that actually went out of their way to tell me that they appreciate me. My wife doesn’t compliment me ever, and now I have an extreme imbalance of responsibility and tasks.

      • dumples
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        2 months ago

        It seems like you have a lack of appreciation both at work and at home. Asking for compliments from your wife would help this with your new transition. I would suggest you start with thanking her for taking these responsibilities beforehand and ask if you can get it back in return. Gratitude goes both ways and is infectious. Start with thanking her and see if she does it back if you are feeling like you can’t ask.

        See if you can get some appreciate at work by asking for it from your manager or anyone else. This is more difficult since people are pretty thankless in their jobs as well. Similar tactics of thanks others might get you thanks at work.

        Dealing with the lack of thanks and gratitude is a complicated emotion to deal with. You will need to talk about it with the people who matter in your life. Some thanklessness is part of any job as well as being a parent and partner. But you should be able to ask for it and be appreciate it. I know I need lot more appreciation from my personal life if I am not getting it from my job.

  • RBWells@lemmy.world
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    1 month ago

    I’m confused about the kid pick-up and your WFH days. Wouldn’t it be easier to do that on a WFH day?

    Have a meeting and allocate the work better and if you can, get help with cleaning or childcare. We get house cleaned to have weekends free, and my kids have done babysitting for other families so that the parents could get stuff done.

    You are going to feel overworked with 4 kids, I’ve been there. It does get better as they get older. But if you are both working, use some of that money to buy back some of your time.

  • I'm_All_NEET:3@lemmy.ml
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    18 days ago

    I understand what you’re saying here. I know this may sound like a pity drag but as a female I get a lot of compliments which I have a love/hate relationship with as sometimes they can be pretty lewd and it gets exhausting after a while having so much attention all the time. I noticed people checking me out sometimes and clothes most people can wear look indecent on me. Things like shorts, yoga pants, tight jeans and even sweat pants. I remember this time the teacher made me stay after class and told me to stop wearing jeans and yoga pants to school as according to him it was "distracting"💀. The summer time is hard for me as things most other people can wear like both swimsuits and bikinis look “inappropriate” on me.

    It used to make me uncomfortable the thought of so many people looking at me but I thought about it and now I don’t really care. 1) you can’t exactly blame them 😏 2) I’m not above this behaviour.