…loaded my $15000 AR-15, bought some Dude Wipes, put on my Blu-ray collection of Clint Eastwood movies, told everyone I came across that I wasn’t gay, stifled all emotion, had my wife make a sandwich and raise my kids, told my black neighbor he was “one of the good ones”, shared videos of dead Palestinians, put on my “Mission Accomplished” bumper sticker from 2003, turned on my Joe Rogan podcast, clocked out at the racism factory, and drove to the polls here in Whitesville Texas. Brought my wife and kids too. We understood the assignment. We were adulting. We did a democracy. Donald is right behind me isn’t he?
Fell out of bed from a 7 day bender, threw on my finest sweatpants and buldak ramen-stained tagless t-shirt, hopped into my 2012 Toyota Corolla that is literally held together with duct tape and is probably not even street legal, stuffed a celebrity rockstar sized line of cocaine into my face and voted for “Pig Poop Balls” as my write-in candidate. I understood the assignment.
2012? Your car isn’t of legal age?
If you’re going to write about me at least have the decency to tag me
I was writing about me… 😳 Lol
I was just making a joke, didn’t mean to steal your valor
Nah you good I was making a joke off of your joke rofl. Besides I’m too broke to afford cocaine.
I’ve got a trick for that. Find some people selling cocaine, then ask to become a dealer (you have to gain their trust thru a weird little minigame of some sort) then when they give you the cocaine pretend to go out and sell it and then just do it all yourself.
Literally flawless strategyI hope it’s a fishing mini game.
I was thinking of the oblivion one, but sure
2012 Toyota Corolla
Damn, you’re rich?! I have a 1998 Corolla
It’s my partner’s old car actually so I never even bought it. Her parents like to throw their money around to show God how humble they are.
I look like le republican, but really I’m le democrat
SO. F*CKING. EPIC!!! THE NARWHAL BACONS AT MIDNIGHT!!!
Occupation: Counter-terrorism Interrogation Specialist, B.A in War Crimes, lives on a DHS black site near El Paso
“Good Sir, you just won the internet today. Welcome to the resistance.”
Why are Texans so fucking weird
You have to understand that most of the ones you see online them are the worst Californians imaginable that have moved to Central Texas to not pay income tax and because they think it is less woke
I’m not saying there definitely IS a hellmouth out in texas, but after reading some Joe Landsdale (CW:SV) and listening to some Butthole Surfers, I’ve started coming around to the idea that whatever eldritch force exists there is a totalizng one: You either fall invisibly under it’s spell and purchase a large belt buckle, or you can perceive it out the corner of your eye and are compelled to find ways to express it like a Lovecraft protagonist.
If I thought magic was an actually existing physical force I would absolutely, deeply, sincerely believe that Texas has been eternally cursed by all the gods for it’s twice-treason in the name of enslavement.
After seven days and seven nights when God created the heavens and the Earth, he threw everything leftover into Texas before he rested.
It’s like that fort you built out of toilet paper rolls and the last bits of scotch tape before you gave up after realizing you needed better materials when you were little. Your grandma yelled at you for wasting the tape in drawers, even though she should have thrown them away.
I HATE PERFORMATIVE TOXIC MASCULINITY
I HATE PERFORMATIVE TOXIC MASCULINITY
We understood the assignment
I HATE TACTICOOL COP LARPING
I HATE TACTICOOL COP LARPING
“understood the assignment” is actually young people slang, it’s like a meme phrase that people overuse on twitter. it’s not a cop thing
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/they-always-understood-the-assignment
That’s news to me.
it started as a sycophantic celebrity worship thing so you’re better off
and I guess now Kamala fans are using it to pat themselves on the back for voting for a genocidal cop, which is even worse
Question for our non-Yankee Hexbears: is cop language an international phenomenon? And if so, how is it similar to/different from the American variety? I’m particularly interested in non-Anglosphere cops.
i bet he drinks his beer in 0.33l (or whatever the US equivalent is) bottles, which makes him a gay communist cyclist. sorry, i dont make the rules.
More fancy beer for me I guess
we understood the assignment
All that big man posturing and he still thinks of voting like homework assigned to him by his teacher
I think it was meant to be hard boiled detected/cop talk.
If there’s no one around to observe your forced performance of the idealized version of masculinity, can you still call yourself a man?
If a ballot falls into a ballot box, is anyone around to hear it?
some people are really really comfortable living in a prescribed train of thought
This man sucks, and what I am about to say isn’t the point of the post, but I gotta get something off my chest… I like cigars. My cousin smokes them and he’s pilled me on them and they taste good and it’s one of the few things that actually make me sit down and just be present in the moment. No yapping, no phone, no nothing. It’s incredibly pleasant.
I hate how there’s a cargo cult around cigars and how they’ve become a signifier for masculinity and wealth, because they used to be working class and they’re a lot of fun to smoke with my girlfriends too. I understand the apprehension towards cigars because all one sees is dudes like that smoking them, but really I would recommend them. They’re not super expensive and it’s a nice time. They also get you high, which weed does too, but cigars also do it. They’re nice, okay?
I buy them from a cool little shop where the guy says he gets them from his cousin in Cuba and sometimes he’s pissed at his cousin because his cousin just ships random shit instead of the specific things that are ordered and I think it’s funny and cool and sometimes I get free cigars because of the cuban cousin and it’s good okay?We all have our treats.
Yeah Fidel loved ice cream.
Now prostrate yourself and confess your treats! (The prostate is not a valid answer, since you cannot spell it without spelling pro-state)Fidel loved ice cream
He just like me fr fr (my partner got me a honeycomb flavor that I’m excited to try tonight as a celebratory thing)
Honeycomb is so fucking good. How do they do it?
me too… i even bought the ‘churn out the vote’ ben & jerrys the other day just to try it out… its not that great, but its still ice cream and i love ice cream
I really, really like bread and any sort of snack that’s bread related, to a carbohydrate-chasing level of vice.
I really like any and all snacks tbh. Just sit there doin nothing and eatin snacks…yup
I share your feeling. I live right next to a super fancy bakery and I go by every evening around closing time and chat up the people behind the counter. I get so much free and fancy bread. Sourdough bread measured in kilos rather than amounts. Seasonal pastries. It’s so good but also a danger to my health.
I share it around with friends, family and those in need. Mainly because I love sharing things and helping others, but also because it would seriously endanger my health otherwise. I recently got three dozen cinnamon buns with caramelized bottoms and some lemon zest on top
I am quite certain the amount of… well everything, bread, butter, sugar, deliciousness, etc could put me in a comaI live right next to a super fancy bakery and I go by every evening around closing time and chat up the people behind the counter. I get so much free and fancy bread.
I share it around with friends, family and those in need. Mainly because I love sharing things and helping others, but also because it would seriously endanger my health otherwise.
I did the exact same thing whenever I walked by the homeless encampments from work back to my house; I’d be a mess, maybe even pre-diabetic, if I didn’t deliberately share whenever I hit the not-free bakery after getting once again pulled in by volume discounts.
Pictured: Me not telling somebody about the free bread for more than 5 seconds (the vein is bulging because I’ve ingested several pounds of pastries)
I did the exact same thing whenever I walked by the homeless encampments from work back to my house; I’d be a mess, maybe even pre-diabetic, if I didn’t deliberately share whenever I hit the not-free bakery after getting once again pulled in by volume discounts.
Rad!
when i want to get that nicotine high but i also want my mouth and clothes to smell like burnt cat food
maybe i only had shit cigars because the only times i had them were when old dudes gave me cheap cigarillos playing pool.
i like burmese cheroots though, you can get them in yunnan for very cheap and they’re smooth and funky
maybe i only had shit cigars because the only times i had them were when old dudes gave me cheap cigarillos playing pool.
when i want to get that nicotine high but i also want my mouth and clothes to smell like burnt cat food
Sounds like you did
I used to think the same as you because I’d only gotten bad cigars. Then my cousin gave me some good ones. They were nice. Cost about $ 5-7 a piece and lasted about 40 minutes to an hour.
Or maybe you just don’t like the taste
I used to get these little cigars made with Madagascar vanilla and cognac or some shit and they were amazing.
Maybe if you wanna partake in the tobac, look into pop smoking. I donno what it is that makes the two different but I’ve always loved the smell of pipe tobacco.
I smoke pipe too sometimes! I think the big difference is that pipe tobacco is able to be flavored and treated with other processes than most other types of tobacco. I don’t know why though.
I had one that was mixed with apples. Felt like I was smoking apple-tea, but not in a sugary vapey way.It’s like the tisane of the tobacco world lol.
When I was a small kid, I would go with my dad a lot to cut wood. We would go on the land owned by his godfather who always had a pipe in his teeth. Super old dude in overalls just smoking a pipe and putzing around on a tractor. So whenever I smell it, it sort of punches me in the nostalgia I guess.
It’s such a vibe
I quit smoking a decade or so ago but damn I miss the occasional front porch cigar and whiskey or beer sessions sometimes. I’m a pale, scrawny dorky ass mother fucker and I always hated the machismo stigma around them.
I’m a pale, scrawny dorky ass mother fucker and I always hated the machismo stigma around them.
Yeah it sucks! I’ve shared cigars with a bunch of friends and there’s a whole preemptive briefing I have to give about them, because of the macho-wannabe-tough-guy-cult surrounding them.
(I only share with people I know smoke, I would never try to get anyone to start smoking)
that’s pretty much the case with anything one can enjoy… enjoying the thing is pleasant but the cults that form around the thing are very unpleasant
Sure, but I feel like cigars are kind of like Rick and Morty. They’re associated with truly insufferable people.
imagine bragging about voting
Insufferable.
Literally everything about this screams “Republican”, jesus christ.
So brave and epic of that Texan to risk his life entering some assembly hall/community centre and shit to vote./s
