lol. child.

Unlike you, I have already finished education, and I did so a long while ago.

neither governance model can achieve those goals

The USSR did. The PRC did (remarkably similar in this regard, down to the 60% life expectancy increase figure). Freed Korea did. Cuba did. Angola did. Mozambique did. Vietnam did.
If you know basic macroeconomics, you know why a state that maintains a planned economy (which, by the way, is not synonymous with ‘communism’) not only can but is also interested in implementing things like guaranteed housing (which is impossible under capitalism in the long term, as are the other things on this list), universal healthcare, elimination of illiteracy, developed public transportation, elimination of unemployment, etc.
Both history and (orthodox liberal) economics are against you here. The fact that you didn’t even bother looking up if you were correct is hilarious.

I can literally pick every single one of those metrics and a quick search will debunk claims to each one for both systems

Cool. Why didn’t you?
I know that you didn’t because I have studied this topic and I know that you are being extremely overconfident for somebody so wrong.

for example: you can’t eliminate illiteracy

I do not know of a communist revolution that succeeded and then did not implement programmes for elimination of illiteracy.
The RSFSR/the USSR’s one was even called ‘Ликбез’/‘Ликвидация Безграмотности’/‘Elimination of Illiteracy’, and it brought literacy rates from 15-40% in the late Russian Empire (I have seen a few estimations, but they are all in that pathetic range) up to about 100% by 1939, and managed to produce one of the most educated population on the planet in the previous century. I reiterate, the USSR started with a mostly illiterate population but became the first state to launch a space satellite, to launch an animal, a man, a woman into space, to build a space station, to make (an unmanned and, most importantly, repeatable and actually scientifically useful) landing on the moon with the rover, etc within less than a century.
I don’t think I need to elaborate on stuff with the PRC, Cuba, and the others. They also carried out such initiatives to educate their people.

there is a little thing called genetic defects, and brain damage which both can result in a person literally becoming incapable of literacy

You seem to be a gold medalist in mental gymnastics. What an incredible way to not understand that people can be provided an education for.

So, yes. both systems are equally bad

Again, this is hilarious. ‘Housing people and helping anti-colonial movements around the world is somehow just as bad as torturing and killing people by denying them housing and invading other countries to put them in a colonial yoke’.
If anything, the USSR and other socialist states have had actual accomplishments, unlike AOC. By your standards, you should be singing them praises.